Sunday, December 27, 2015
Insomnia continues to be an issue for me. I didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve, and last night I had a restless sleep. Every little distraction had me looking at the clock just to see that time was crawling by. I drifted in and out of a light sleep in between. I have been grinding my teeth at night and wake up with tension headaches. I had a dream last night that I went to lunch with a childhood friend of mine. She is pregnant, and in the dream she started to tell the table about a complication with the pregnancy. I instantly started sobbing as I jumped to conclusions fearing the worst for her and her baby. She reassured me that it was nothing like that, but it just showed me that my subconscious is still working on this fear of mine.
It is very difficult for me to be around friends and loved ones who are pregnant. A small, small part of it is the sting of jealousy, but mostly it is the consuming fear that their baby isn't healthy. I know that once their babies are born and I can see that s/he is healthy, I'll be fine. But pregnancy strikes on a nerve for me and is a painful reminder of a weakness in my faith. It is an aspect of the "seeing is believing" that I have a hard time putting aside. It worries me for the future as I think about the possibility of becoming pregnant again myself.
I try not to get too far ahead of myself and play the "what if" game. Thinking about all the possible outcomes... it's overwhelming. And yet there is a part of me that believes that I will be able to joyfully go through a pregnancy if I should be blessed with one again. One thing is for sure: we will celebrate EVERYTHING if we have the chance again! Pregnancy announcements, gender reveal, baby shower, we will embrace it all. The next day isn't promised, so you have to live in the moment and love what you've got. And we will! One of my biggest regrets is that we canceled Rosa's baby shower... sadly, she was stillborn the exact day we planned her baby shower. I look back now and wish that we had rescheduled it to earlier in the pregnancy. It breaks me up knowing that we didn't celebrate her in that way. She deserved it, and we failed to give that to her. I don't know how, but I'll find a way to make it up to her.
In other news, John & I had been going back and forth on testing our frozen embryos. It's expensive ($5K!) and we're not sure how the future will go. If we do not have a take home baby amongst our four ninja squirrels, then we're going to look into adoption in 2017. Should we save the $5,000 to put towards a potential adoption? Ugh. It's so hard to know which way to go! John wanted to save the money and was also afraid about the risk to the embryos in the thawing and refreezing process. I wanted to test the embryos because I think it's worth every penny to have that peace of mind if we do have a subsequent pregnancy. A few weeks ago, John said that he was willing to do the testing even though he didn't want to. I was hung up on him agreeing with me, so we "slept on it" for the next few weeks (I am laughing because of the irony of him snoring while I lay awake with insomnia!). After a beautiful Christmas Eve mass, I was able to pray on it and then had a beautiful moment of clarity. It was like Jesus was born into my heart to answer my prayer: TEST THE EMBRYOS! I don't need John to agree with me. If he agreed with me, then it would be easy. But the fact that he doesn't agree, and is still willing to put his fears aside to make me happy is the ultimate sign of his love. We decided on Christmas morning that we will indeed have our embryos tested. We are going to dedicate 2016 to seeing these four embryos through. We are 100% committed to them and invested in them.
I have a few appointments coming up that are important: we finally got on the schedule for a preconception visit with our new MFM. That's on January 6th. The next day, I have my hysteroscopy. All I want for Christmas is health & happiness for myself and my babies. So here's to a healthy uterus and four healthy embryos! And Rosa & Robin smiling down from heaven as they wait for us!
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
At my last rheumatologist appointment, the doctor kept using the word "lupus." Here's where a lot of confusion has always set in: the doctors have always said that I don't have it, but that they're keeping me on their radar. Well, my head started spinning, and finally I interjected and said, "Do I have lupus?" The doctor explained that my C3 is low which could possibly be the Sjogren's, but she suspects that it is lupus activity :( She said that I am flaring right now, so I am on a course of prednisone. Hopefully, that will help to clear things up. Since then, I have been taking into account all the symptoms I've been feeling... muscle pain, muscle stiffness, joint pain, fatigue, brain fog... It is scary to think about where this could be heading, so I've been redirecting those thoughts so they don't get away from me.
Things have been tricky in this department. All of my scars from the past.... infertility and loss have really taken a toll on me. Add on top of it that we're still dealing with infertility along with autoimmune diseases... it's a lot to manage. I feel like I'm in a good spot at the moment. I've been working really hard to untangle the mess and to try to find some form of balance in my life. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up :)
I am on CD15/1dpo on our last natural cycle before we get going again. We tried our best with the hopes of a spontaneous conception, but we are keeping our hopes in check with reality. Let the record show that we are open to the miracle if that should be the way we are to go :) But at the same time, we have a plan for our next FET, and that gives me a lot of hope. That is my anchor right now. Here's the rough timeline of "the plan."
- 12/19 - CD1, call my nurse
- 12/21 - CD3, blood work to establish baseline, start BCPs
- 12/29 - hysteroscopy, cross fingers that this is simple and smooth!
- 1/22 - come off BCPs, start FET cycle
- 2/12 - meet one of our ninja squirrels :)
I'm sending lots of love & light out there for anyone who is reading this! Take care of yourselves!!
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Thursday, August 6, 2015
I liked her a lot. She listened to everything we had to say, answered our questions honestly and professionally, and overall had an excellent bedside manner. She offered to reach out to the other doctors on our team, including my rheumatologist and the MFM doctor from CHOP. When I mentioned that the genetic counselor from CHOP would be willing to consult regarding our frozen embryos, she was very pleased to hear that and said absolutely they would work together. I really that she is willing to go out of her way to help us. We are a bit complicated and puzzling, so we really need doctors who are willing to work together and think outside the box.
We reviewed our history and past protocols. As I expected, she was open to all of the medications I was on with the exception of the high dose of Prednisone and the use of IVIG. All the other medications and supplements were fine by her.
She recommends a diagnostic hysteroscopy prior to a transfer and testing our embryos. The hysteroscopy is a no-brainer. Testing the embryos to me is too, but John is afraid about the risk of losing viable embryos in the thaw and refreeze... Dr. S said that the survival rate at their lab is 97% for the first thaw, and then the second thaw would go down to 95%. She said that usually the embryos that don't survive are not good quality... our embryos are of very good quality. But still, I can see John's hesitation because someone has to be the unlucky 5%. We have proven to be the unlucky percentage almost every time in the past... is it worth it to take any unnecessary risks? I don't know if I could proceed with a pregnancy knowing that the embryo had not been tested... That's something we'll have to think about before making a decision.
Dr. S recommends waiting at least six months postpartum before transferring another embryo. She said given our history, we could transfer two embryos if we wanted, however she'd feel more comfortable with a single embryo transfer. We agree... as much as I have always dreamed of being a twin mama, it is not worth the risk to our precious babies. Besides, I already am a twin mama... Rosa & Robin made it so <3
I asked if she had any recommendations for my diet & lifestyle. She referred me to the nutritionist, so we'll schedule a consultation. She said that running is not a problem for a future cycle nor a potential pregnancy. I like that very much. VERY MUCH. I can't begin to tell you how important it is to have the option to go for a run through all of this... I need to feel like myself in order to keep my head on my shoulders.
I asked her when my period should return. I'm still not sure if the bleeding I had 5 weeks postpartum was my period, and even still, it has been 32 days since that bleeding. She said that right about now is when I should be getting my period again, and then said she'd do an ultrasound and blood work to see where I'm at in my cycle right now.
The physical exam showed that I have high blood pressure (what the what?! 138/82... so out of the norm for me). I gave blood and urine samples for testing. My weight has gone up 5 lbs (which to this marathon runner is a win! I know it's the muscle mass that I've gained over the past several weeks of training). The ultrasound showed possible calcification in my uterine lining. And, get this, my lining measured 9.8mm and was Type III. NEVER in all of my documented cycles has my lining been that thick. I know it doesn't bear any significance, but I am kinda proud of that. My ovaries are doing their typical thing. Righty had 6-8 follicles measuring under 10mm and a 22mm cyst, Lefty had 4 follicles measuring under 10mm. The cyst might mean that I ovulated. We're waiting for blood results to see what's what. Depending on my blood work, I will probably be prescribed Provera to induce a period. Then I'll go in for another baseline on CD3 to see what's going on with my uterus.
The final question we asked was to look up the sex of Frostie Ninja. We had him/her CCS tested after IVF #3. S/he was normal, but we didn't want to know the sex at that time. Now, I think we're ready to find out. Though, I have to say, I am a little nervous to know. I have a gut feeling, but what if I'm wrong? I have been operating under the assumption that Robin was a boy. We won't know until we get to heaven... if I was wrong about Frostie, then it'll make me wonder if I am wrong about Robin too. I hope I am right!!
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Friday, July 3, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
I also pounded the pavement and went for my first run back. It felt incredible! I cannot describe how good it was for me. I could think again! I felt centered and like me for the first time in months.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Why are they so fabulous, you ask?? Well, check this out:
They made this beautiful flyer and then organized an event where people could perform random acts of kindness in Rosa's honor. :') Just beautiful!!
Here's how John & I participated.
- Shopper at the Farmer's Market. She saw me while I was buying the flowers and commented that they were really pretty. She asked who they were for, and I told her they were for my daughter. She said, that's nice, for a graduation? How old is your daughter? I told her that my daughter was in heaven. She gave me a hug, and I gave her a rose. She asked if I was sure, and I said, yes, Rosa would have wanted her to have it.
- The receptionist at the vet's office. We had to make a visit because Mocha got injured from falling out of our bed last night :( She's ok, but we had to get her checked out. I didn't explain why I was giving the receptionist a rose. But it was nice to see her smile :)
- My MIL
- John's Grandmother
- The worker at the gate. My MIL's community is gated, so I handed a rose to the worker at the gate. She asked if there was a special reason why I was giving her a rose. I knew I wouldn't be able to explain it without crying, so I just smiled and said, "It's just a random act of kindness." She smiled back and said thank you.
- My neighbor. She and I were bump buddies... she is due three weeks after Rosa was due. She is expecting a baby girl. Sigh. It is and will be difficult to see her growing belly, and eventually growing baby girl... a constant marker of where Rosa should have been. So why did I give her the last rose? Because I feel like that would have made Rosa happy. I want to buy all the roses in the world... and I want to give them out to the whole world to leave Rosa's mark all over the place. It's like she is here whenever there is a rose.
You can probably imagine that June 24th - a day that was supposed to be happy, our daughter's birthday - has now become a day that will forever be remembered along with a string of "what ifs" and "could have beens" and "should have beens." We knew going into it that Rosa was going to have to fight and probably fight hard in order to survive... but in my heart, I really thought that she had a chance. We were completely blindsided by her fetal demise... even though we really had no right to be blindsided... the doctors told us all along that it was unfortunately a possibility.
So today is here. It's the day that should have been everything that it is not. We should have been in Philadelphia right now by Rosa's bedside as she fought and kicked ass and survived. We should have been starting a new chapter in our happily ever after. We should have been... but we are not...
Instead, the day started out with a restless night's sleep. I tossed and turned through most of the night. My legs felt so antsy that I remember actually kicking and almost running in my bed. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin! I needed to MOVE!!! Mocha was also restless...
It really is remarkable to me the bond that Mocha and Rosa shared... and still share. Call me crazy, but I truly believe that they are connected on a spiritual level. Mocha just knew when things weren't right with Rosa. She sensed that Rosa was there. She snuggled my bump on several occasions, and it seemed that whenever Rosa took a turn for the worse, Mocha would have sympathy pains (causing us to run to the vet).
The night before we went to the hospital the last time, Mocha was restless. John distinctly recalls Mocha laying on my bump in the middle of the night and swears that was the moment that Rosa probably passed... I wouldn't put it past her to have known. When we returned home from the hospital, Mocha jumped up on the couch, sniffed my belly, then jumped down and turned her back to me. Is it possible that she knew Rosa was gone?? I really think she did.
So going back to today. It was three in the morning when I heard a THUMP. Mocha fell out of our bed :( Poor pup! I picked her up, and we cuddled and fell back to sleep. When we woke up this morning, she was limping. We took her to the vet and thankfully she's going to be alright, but she sprained her leg. My poor baby!
I got to thinking... and it just seems like more than a coincidence that Mocha got injured on THIS day. On Rosa's day. Perhaps a sign?
|Taken just 10 minutes away from Kristen's house on June 23, 2015|
Between the storm, the literal road block on our route to the hospital, and Mocha's injury, I'm calling it a sign. Rosa is telling me that today was not our day. I will never know for certain if she would have survived had she had a chance to have her surgeries. But I know for sure that if she was born today like she should have been then she would have felt so much pain.
I so wish that things could have been different for our dear, sweet Rosa Kimberly. But I am thankful that she never felt pain. That I was able to endure all of the physical pain for her. That John & I, along with all our friends and family, will shoulder the emotional toll of losing her, and that she'll never have to know what pain feels like.
I am thankful that Rosa Kimberly only ever knew the loving embrace of my womb.
She only ever knew the sound of my heart. She never knew pain.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
We were taken from the triage room to a delivery room at the end of the hallway. Dr. Ntoso told me to eat a good meal. I would need my strength. But food turned my stomach, I was too upset to eat. I managed to eat chicken noodle soup and part of a soft pretzel.
John called his parents to tell them the awful news... I called mine. I could hardly say a sentence without sobbing into the phone. My mother cried back on the other end of the line as she made sense of what I was saying. She said they'd be there soon.
We spoke to Dr. Cole and went over the plan we made just two days before. The "palliative care plan" just incase the unthinkable happened. Did we want to take pictures? Did we want to make momentos? Hand prints, cut lochs of her hair... When we made the plan, I had hoped to never see it again. Then Dr. Moldenhauer called to tell me that we would plan to meet Rosa on June 24th. But now that wouldn't be happening...
My parents & sister arrived while we were talking to Dr. Cole. They said hello, and then we told them we'd get them when we were done. Honestly, I can't remember much of what was said. I felt like I was in a fog.
My brother came up and brought me a picture that my nephew made. Dr. Ntoso came in at 8:00pm to give me the first dose of misoprostol. I felt mild contractions within ten minutes. My family left around 9:00 or 9:30. I was sleeping by 10:00pm. The nurse and doctor came back in at midnight to put in the next dose. I couldn't fall back to sleep, so around 2:00am I asked for an Ambien. The plan was to get two more doses of the misoprostol at 4:00am and 8:00am, but I woke up at 6:00am and the nurse told me that they decided to wait because my contractions were too close together.
At 9:15am on Saturday, the doctor put in the next dose. Again, I felt mild contractions within 10 minutes. At this point, my cervix was 70% effaced and 2 cm dilated. My parents, sisters and brother all came back to be with us. I called Father Bruce to tell him what was happening, and he said he'd come around 1:30pm. My best friend, Kim, drove up from Virginia. My best friend, Kristen, came too.
The next dose of misoprostol was put in at 1:15pm. The contractions started to become much more painful, but I was able to manage them by breathing through them. I sat on the birthing ball, and held onto the side of the bed. I started feeling nauseous and as I mentioned this to the nurse I said that I should probably have a puke bucket nearby. Actually, I need one RIGHT NOW. The second it was handed to me, I got sick. I told the nurse that I wanted some anti-nausea medication. I could deal with most physical pain, but nausea and vomiting bring out the wimp in me. I got some zofran and as it was dissolving under my tongue, I felt the nausea creep back.
Kim took a deep breath and said, "So what mile are we on?" She was referencing a marathon because she knows how meaningful that is to me. I mumbled, "I don't know," while reaching for the puke bucket and vomited again. So much for the zofran! Kristen went to tell the nurse, and they gave me an intravenous version of the medication. The nausea went away almost instantly.
Father Bruce arrived around 2:00pm, and everyone cleared out of the room so John & I could talk to him privately. I told him that I might not be able to participate in the conversation too well because the contractions were getting intense. It wasn't long before I think I scared him! He said that he was present for his wife's three C-sections, but this was the first time that he was ever in the room with a laboring woman. I'm sure it wasn't pretty to witness! He & John eventually left the room, and the nurse stayed with me.
I went back and forth between the birthing ball and the rocking chair. At some point, I think my water broke. That was a surprise to me because there was no amniotic fluid detectable over the past six weeks. The contractions were so intensely painful. I started to wonder if I could do this without medications. I had no idea that I was in active labor at this point. I just knew that it was extremely painful.
The midwife checked on me at some point within all this. I was 80% effaced and 4 cm dilated. She apologized saying, "I know you probably hoped to be farther along." I hadn't really hoped for anything... I had no expectations for this experience. The only thing I had invested my hope in for the past three years was already gone.
Father Bruce came back in the room and said a blessing over me and the baby. The contractions made it very hard to focus, but I'm glad he was there to do that for us.
John & I stayed in the room alone from this point with the nurse & midwife coming in every now and then to check. John tried to comfort me, but nothing made me feel better. He asked me questions. I couldn't answer except in one word responses. "Water." He came running to my side with the water mug. I got up from the birthing ball and walked towards the bathroom. He came running over to move my IV pole. He was trying so hard to take care of me, and find out what I needed and wanted. I couldn't respond to him. I was so focused and concentrated on each contraction.
I felt like I had to push, but I wasn't able to verbalize it. I thought it might help to use the bathroom, and that's when John realized that he had to get the nurse. The midwife came in and said that she would check me. She said very calmly, "You are about ready to go." There was a lot of commotion around me as the nurse assembled the instrument table and the doctor came into the room. Jessi, the midwife, told me to try to breathe through the next two contractions to allow my cervix to get completely ready. I wanted to push very much, but tried to breathe it out.
Finally, Jessi said to push. She was so calm and serene. Pushing felt like a relief. The contractions almost seemed to disappear. Now the pain was entirely focused on the baby trying to come out. The time in between contractions and pushing seemed to stretch on for a long time. I winced from the pain, and Jessi assured me that it was ok, that it was just stretching. I sat with the pain and accepted it for what it was. It was uncomfortable and peaceful at the same time.
The room was so quiet. The nurse held one leg back and taught John how to hold the other. I looked to Jessi for direction. She quietly told me what to do. The look in her eyes was serene and sympathetic.
Rosa was breech, so her butt came out first. John decided not to look, but was asking what it looked like. Jessi explained that it looked like the baby was crowning, but instead of her head, her butt was poking out. I said, "She's butting." John misheard me and thought I said, "She's budding." That way was much better <3
After about four pushes, her butt, legs, and body were out. Just a few more pushes to get her head out. On the next push, I felt a woosh as she slipped out. It was the most incredible, indescribable feeling. John cut the cord, and the doctor and midwife explained to him that the placenta still had to come out. They said it could take 30-45 minutes more. But with the next contraction and push, it came out. All of the pain stopped. The nurse handed Rosa to me, and I just marveled at her beauty. She was beautiful.
It was such a peaceful moment. I couldn't believe how sweet her face was. Her skin was so soft. I wrapped her little hand around my thumb and stroked her cheeks with my finger. She was so perfect.
The world kept whizzing on, I'm sure, but for me, it's like the world stopped in that moment. I am still stuck there. I think I will be for the rest of my life. I gave birth to an angel. I can't wait until the day comes when I can join her in heaven. I love her so much.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
But the righteous, though they die early, will be at rest.
For old age is not honored for length of time, or measured by number of years;
but understanding is gray hair for anyone, and a blameless life is ripe old age. There were some who pleased God and were loved by him, and while living among sinners were taken up. They were caught up so that evil might not change their understanding or guile deceive their souls. For the fascination of wickedness obscures what is good, and roving desire perverts the innocent mind. Being perfected in a short time, they fulfilled long years; for their souls were pleasing to the Lord, therefore he took them quickly from the midst of wickedness.
Is it possible that Rosa's soul felt so much love that she was deemed ready by God for the next life? I think so. She was surrounded by so much love... I am so grateful that she felt that. I know she's up in heaven now, and I know one day we will be together again. And in the meantime, the love we feel here from our incredible support system lifts us up.
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you ❤️
Thursday, June 11, 2015
|Rosa Kimberly was born sleeping on May 30, 2015. |
She weighed 3 lbs 6 oz, measured 15 inches long, and was a perfect little angel.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
The Wharton jelly cysts seem to be gone now - whew! The ultrasound tech couldn't get a look at the entire umbilical cord because the baby was moving around so quickly, but we did get to see the section closest to the baby. That's where the cysts were noted last time, and there were none to be seen this time. HOORAY!
The baby's growth is right on track and we heard the heartbeat going strong at 136bpm. We've been listening on the home doppler, and I just love that sound!! I made a recording on my cell phone, and then on Valentine's Day, we went to Build-a-Bear and recorded the sound to be stuffed inside of an adorable puppy dog. It's so sweet that we can press a button and hear that glorious sound anytime we want :)
My MFM asked for my cervix to be measured as a baseline. I think he is just being ultra cautious, which I appreciate. At this stage of the game, they're looking for a measurement over 3.5cm. Mine is an overachiever at 4.7cm. I'm so thankful that this is not an area we have to be concerned about. They will continue to monitor my cervix just in case, but I'm feeling good about it (and a whole lot less paranoid about going for a run!! Now, if we could just get the ice outta here!).
Before starting the ultrasound, the tech said that she wasn't specifically looking for the sex of the baby, but if she happened to see it, did we want to know? I got a huge grin on my face and said, yes please!! I always thought that I would want to be surprised at the birth, but this pregnancy feels different to me. When we first thought that we would be having twins, John & I decided that we would find out. And then when we lost our angel, and it turned into a singleton pregnancy, I was still invested in finding out. I also had to disconnect myself from the pregnancy for a while to protect my heart while I grieved. I thought that finding out the sex of the baby would help me to connect a little more.
I was right! Now that we know, this pregnancy is finally starting to feel real! Wait, wait... did you miss the big announcement? No :) I'm just being dramatic!
IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
This was my first transabdominal ultrasound, and I have to say... it's pretty awesome not having to drop my drawers! The ultrasound tech got to work right away and started taking pictures while pointing out the various parts of our baby's anatomy. I wish I could have relaxed to enjoy it more... she waited until about five minutes in to find the heartbeat, and I was convinced that she was going to tell me that the baby's heart had stopped beating or that the baby didn't grow. Once we heard that beautiful thump-thump, I started to cry and felt so relieved.
It took about 15 minutes and a lot of poking and pleading to get the baby into the proper position for the NT test. I started feeling nervous that the baby wasn't responding and that perhaps there was a problem. But the tech told us that this was normal, and at this stage, the babies just do whatever they want. Whew. Finally, she got the pictures and measurements she needed and left to get the doctor.
We met Dr. M, and I really liked her a lot. This practice is large, and you don't see the same doctor every time. You are supposed to see a different doctor at each appointment throughout your pregnancy so that you have met everyone by the time you deliver. Sounds good to me! Dr. M took the time to explain everything that she was seeing and to answer all of our questions. I really felt like she listened to us and respected our difficult path and past.
She found some cysts on the baby's umbilical cord, and insisted that we don't stress out about them... uh huh... yeah, ok. They are called Wharton's jelly cysts, which aren't too common. Apparently only 3% of pregnancies have this occurrence. Ugh. I'm getting tired of being in the 1-3%. Anyway, she said that they usually resolve by the beginning of the second trimester, and as long as they do then it's no big deal. My big concern? I was 13 weeks 2 days at the time of the ultrasound... isn't that basically the end of first tri and beginning of second?? Sigh. We go back in two weeks to make sure they're gone. We asked what if they don't go away, and she said that it is not good, but we're not going to get ahead of ourselves. (Again, yeah, ok, we are capable of consulting Dr. Google... which, yeah, don't do that. SCARY. These suckers need to get the eff out)
We are THRILLED that our ninja's growth has completely caught up!! S/he had been consistently measuring six days behind until 11 weeks. S/he caught up two days at our 11 week scan, and was four days behind. Now we are only ONE DAY behind, and if you ask me, that's not behind!! Woohoo!! Way to grow, Ninja!!
We also got an awesome glimpse of his/her ninja tooshie - quite possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen!! Poor John kept saying, I don't see what you girls are talking about! It all looks like blobs to me!! The ultrasound tech pointed out the baby's butt, thighs and feet on the screen! I am so in love <3
We have been telling our news a little more here and there. No big, official announcements yet. I am kinda terrified to do that. Though, of course, I have an awesome reveal plan :D At work, it's customary to make announcements with food in the Teacher's Room. So I plan to make a sign that says something along the lines of:
Cici is in training for the BABY Z MARATHON!!I made a course map & plan to make a race bib with the EDD. Then I'll set out some healthy runner snacks.
I have still yet to determine if we'll share the news on Facebook... I just don't know if I feel right about it. I am so, deeply paranoid... Part of me doesn't want to jinx anything. Especially knowing the additional risks we are up against thanks to my Sjogren's Syndrome (the baby is at a higher risk for fetal heart block).
I wish we could just enjoy this, and I could just feel like a normal pregnant lady. But after all we've been through... it's just not in the cards for us. I am simply grateful that we are even to this point, and I just pray every day that we make it to August and have our happy, healthy rainbow baby in our arms to care for and adore for the rest of our lives. This still doesn't feel real... even this morning, I was at (my first) prenatal yoga class, and I found myself crying during the meditation. I just can't believe that this is really happening. To us. To me. The thought brings me to tears every time it hits me. After going through hell and back to get pregnant... and then having a rocky start with a SCH and vanishing twin syndrome...... it has been so hard.
And now to leave things on a happy note! Here's our little cutie. And, and, and, AND!!!! The doctor gave me clearance to RUN AGAIN!!!! I can't express how happy this makes me! To be able to say that I'm finally running for two... this is a dream come true :')