Friday, May 13, 2016

Monitoring #1

The estrogen is really wearing me down this time around. Not to mention all the triggers in every direction I turn. This morning's ultrasound was in the same room we ran to during our Week 6 Bleeding Scare with Rosa & Robin. I can't seem to make it through an hour without tearing up. It's been tough, but I'm doing my best to hang in there.

My lining is slowly and steadily coming along. It measured at 6.3mm Type II today. My ovaries are being a bit obnoxious, albeit harmless, with a 22mm hemorrhagic cyst on my right and 33 follicles less than 10mm. That many follicles is ironic for a lady with a DOR diagnosis.

My estrogen is at 128, progesterone 0.3, I return on Wednesday for more monitoring, and increase the estradiol to 2mg three times a day.

The anxiety is pretty elevated. I was a little rattled waiting for my nurse to call... by 3:00pm I started thinking my doctor would call me to tell me that I was getting canceled. That's just the paranoia thanks to my history talking. My nurse called at 4:00pm, and said everything looks great. I don't feel great.

I also realized that if things go along as we're hoping, then I will be PUPO on Rosa's birthday. I can't possibly describe the flood of emotions that comes along with that realization. I think about it, and my eyes well up (which is, again, ironic for a lady with a Sjögren's diagnosis).

I am obsessed with P!NK's song Beam Me Up and have been playing it on my guitar. It always makes me feel better to sing to my girl, even if it gets broken up with tears. I just miss her. I really hope that she's looking out for her siblings.

I really hope that now is the time to make her a big sister.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


Here we go again! My baseline appointment was on Monday, CD3, and went very well. Hormones were low, ovaries were quiet & lining was thin. Let's do this!!

I wish I could just let the enthusiasm and excitement take over, but there is anxiety and fear mixed in there too. I'm on 2mg oral estradiol twice a day... That is definitely cranking up the anxiety. Today, I noticed a bit more than usual hair loss. Am I just being paranoid? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage the cycle before it even gets started? Or am I being proactive? I called my nurse to ask for my thyroid blood work to be added to the order at Friday's monitoring appointment. Better to check and be safe. 

I miss my baby girl. I just miss her so much. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

What are you wishing for?

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. I made an announcement during church to spread awareness, and to ask the congregation to keep all bereaved mothers in their thoughts and prayers. Father Bruce thanked me after mass and asked me to continue advocating. 

We went to the cemetery like we always do after mass. It was gloomy and raining, as I spoke a few words to my baby girl & her twin. They made me a mother. I held them in my womb, and gave birth to my darling Rosa 11 months ago. I will never forget the time we spent together and the bonds we formed in those short months. 

There was a lone wish flower to the left of Rosa & Robin's plot. I asked them, "What are you wishing for?" In my heart, they responded, "I'm wishing for you. For my brother. For my sister." I have faith that they are looking down on us all from heaven. They are guarding us and protecting us. 

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Monitoring #4 and #5

I'm just going to cut to the chase: CANCELED. My lining started to break down, so my doctor canceled the cycle. She said that she's not 100% sure that it's bad, but wouldn't want to throw an embryo in there unless she was 100% sure it was good. I'm taking seven days of Provera, will get a period, and then start again with the next CD1. Next time, we won't push so long with the estrogen phase. As soon as my lining is ready, we will go onto the next phase.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Monitoring #2 and #3

Monitoring #2 was on Tuesday, April 19 (CD13). My lining measured at 9.6mm, Type I (squee!!), both ovaries were quiet with 15 follicles on the right and 16 follicles on the left, and my estrogen was 1,265. My instructions were to continue with 2mg Estradiol vaginally twice a day and return for monitoring on Friday. My transfer had to be rescheduled to two days later due to Dr. S's schedule. Two more days?!?! Awwww man!!! It's fine, but obviously a bit of a bummer to have to wait even longer! I just want my ninja squirrel with me right now!!

Monitoring #3 was on Friday, April 22 (CD16). My lining measured 8.7mm, Type I, and both ovaries were quiet with 12 follicles on the right and 14 follicles on the left. I'm continuing with the Estradiol and returning for monitoring on Wednesday. I got my instructions for the progesterone phase and transfer. Squee!!

Here's the medication schedule for progesterone phase through beta:

Thursday 4/28 to Saturday 4/30
*6:00am   PIO 1ml (*Thursday only)
6:30am     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, PNV+supps, Doxycycline, Medrol)
7:00pm     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, Baby Aspirin, Doxycycline)
8:00pm     PIO 1ml 
Sunday 5/1 to Thursday 5/126:00am     Benadryl 25mg
7:00am     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, PNV+supps, Doxycycline, Medrol)
2:00pm     Benadryl 25mg
7:00pm     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, Baby Aspirin, Doxycycline)
8:00pm     PIO 1ml
10:00pm   Benadryl 25mg 
**Metrogel Monday 5/2 at bedtime
**Progesterone suppository Tuesday 5/3 at 11:00am
**Doxycycline and Medrol stops on Thursday 5/5
I feel excited and ready. I can't wait for PUPO Ninja Squirrel snuggles!! 8 days until transfer and counting!!

Friday, April 15, 2016

Monitoring #1

Today is CD9, and I'm on the estrogen phase of my FET cycle. My jaw dropped to the floor when the doctor told me my lining was Type I and 8.4mm during my ultrasound. I told him how that was the thickest my lining has ever, ever been. Then he measured again and said it was actually 9.5mm and "growing before our very eyes!" I couldn't help but to let a "holy shit" slip out! I was so surprised!!

My estrogen is 968 and my progesterone is 0.4. I am doubling my dose of Estradiol (2mg vaginally twice a day) and returning for monitoring on Tuesday. My transfer is scheduled with my doctor on Sunday, May 1st. I am SO EXCITED to meet one of my ninja squirrels. 15 days seems so far away!! How am I going to keep myself occupied until then?!

It has been a bit emotional around here. Partially because of the estrogen... but mainly because of the wounds from my losses and intense infertility history. From the time of Rosa's stillbirth to the time of our transfer, my womb will have been empty for eleven entire months... I just can't believe it's been that long. Last night, I had a wave of guilt overcome me thinking about another baby in Rosa & Robin's sacred space. The only place they knew life... How can I share that with another baby? I know that it's time to move forward, and I feel in my heart that Rosa and Robin would want us to be happy. They would want us to try for a sibling. And for the most part, I feel excited and ready. I just need to be true to my heart and feel what I'm feeling.

I miss you and love you, Rosa Kimberly and Robin Kay. Please look out for your brother/sister... best guardian angels out there <3


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Remembering Frostie Ninja

Today is the two year anniversary of Frostie Ninja's transfer. That little embryo held so much hope. I was at peace and completely in love while I was PUPO with him. I envision that he is waiting for me in heaven with Rosa, Robin, Brooke & Brian (the two embryos who were abnormal from our donor cycle). In my mind, when we are reunited, they won't have aged at all. My cousin will hand Rosa to me, and she will be a perfectly healthy little baby. I will finish my pregnancies in heaven with all of the embryos who tried but didn't make it here on earth. I am going to have thirty babies in heaven, and there will never be a shortage of help with all my loved ones surrounding me. All of my heavenly pregnancies will be healthy and happy and blissful. 

The daydreamer in me lives on, and Frostie Ninja's spirit does too.