Friday, May 31, 2013

Cue the Mind Games!

I really can't complain about this 2WW. Patience is something that I'm not very good at, and I have to work hard to find patience when necessary. I've never really been the "Zen" type, so waiting makes me crazy.

But truly and honestly, up until yesterday I was sort of sailing through this 2WW. I couldn't believe that more than a week had already gone by. Have I been thinking about it nonstop? Of course! But I have been doing a good job of accepting the thought, thinking positively, then letting it go. Sometimes I've had to actually tell myself, "Find something to do! Distract yourself!" so I wouldn't dwell, but it's been working.

Then here we are today, 9 dpIUI. I woke up this morning to an elevated BBT and intriguing cramping. Ok, the higher temp isn't anything to get too excited about, but it's a good sign.

My Chart - notice the temp!
And as far as these cramps were concerned, I wasn't really sure what to make of them yet. They were so mild, it was almost like I was imagining them there.

As the day went on, the cramps started to become more present, but still like a distant echo. They were accompanied by the slightest hint of nausea. Add this to the breakouts from two days ago and the creamy CM, and suddenly my mind was running away from me!

Luckily, I was able to text a friend and she talked some sense into me :)

My friend is the best!
I made myself busy at work, and made it through the rest of the afternoon. Then when I got home, I was getting changed to go out for a bike ride. Suddenly, I noticed the most bizarre cramps on my right side. They were brief, and different from anything I'd ever noticed before. "Implantation cramping?!" Yes, my mind actually went there. That's how these mind games work! Pure evil. But the feeling passed after a few seconds, and I dismissed the thought. Get distracted. Go ride your bike.

So I'm going to continue distracting myself left and right up until 13 dpIUI, Tuesday, the day I take a HPT. 13 has always been a lucky number for me, and it's also CD27. I love 1's, 3's, and 7's because they've always been good numbers to me. 13 dpIUI, CD27, don't fail me now!! I'm hoping and praying and chanting and singing and doing every other ritual under the sun that I make it to my beta test on June 7th!!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


CD 21, 7 DPO. Half way through the 2WW. So far, it has been pretty uneventful, and I'm just doing my best to keep myself distracted and stay positive.

I decided to test out my trigger this morning to make sure the hCG was out of my system. The last thing I want is to take a HPT and get a false positive because the trigger is still lingering. Well, the trigger is gone and the test couldn't have been any whiter. Which is good. Now I know I can get a reliable result out of a HPT when the time comes. Though I have to admit, it would have been fun to see a positive result for the first time ever, even if it wasn't real. Hopefully I won't have to wait much longer for the real thing.

I started charting my BBT a few days ago. It has been so nice to have a break, especially since it was such a source of frustration. It was literally keeping me from sleeping because I was so paranoid that I'd miss my alarm and screw it up. Then I would obsess over my charts that were really not much help because they were so erratic. But the past few days have shown very stable temps above my usual coverline. So that's good! I just hope that the temps stay up and don't take their usual nose-dive around the time AF could be showing up...

I'm just hoping and praying that there's a little zygote nestling in to some prime real estate in my ute. For the time being, the zygote has been nicknamed "Harvey" after the vintage board game "Hang on Harvey!" I'm sure you can imagine the current chant ;)

Saturday, May 25, 2013


It is something that at times has been elusive in my life, yet I strive to attain it. Whenever I find balance I feel so good; like there isn't anything I can't do. The problem I have is that my balance usually tends to be feast or famine, black or white, all or nothing.

Running has been the great equalizer in my life for so many years. Kristin Armstrong, a writer on Runner's, puts it well in a recent blog: "When I forget who I am, I remind myself by finding my stride." Ah, yes, this rings true for me too. 

I met with Kristina this morning for a trail run at the Watchung Reservation. We are truly two birds of a feather. Even though we are both focused on different areas in our lives, the way we perceive the world is usually the same. Today our conversation was a constant stream of "I feel the exact same way" exclamations. 

Kristina & me finding our stride on the trails
Here are some of the epiphanies I had while on our run:
  1. I am happiest when I feel my life is balanced.
  2. Over the past year and a half, it has been a constant struggle to have balance in my life.
  3. I am getting closer to finding balance under the current circumstances in my life. I am still in partial denial of all the realities that comes with IF, but I am starting to find peace and patience.
  4. I have been struggling to find balance in my running now that I am not allowed to train for a marathon. This causes my whole life to feel even more off-center. I need to find a way to be happy within the one-hour-a-day limit. I am always open to suggestions!
Probably the most concrete realization I had today was that if this cycle is a bust (which I hope and pray it is not), I will go for a good, long run while I have my period. I'm talking about a 2-3 hour run up on Bear Mountain. I need to feed my craving to push my body, mind and soul to total exhaustion. 

Elevation Map from the North Face 50-Mile Ultramarathon
Yup... that would do it :-D

Friday, May 24, 2013

I hear you loud and clear!

It seems that the universe doesn't believe me though. I'm a teacher in a K-6 building, and I passed by a 6th grade classroom this morning on my way to the copy room. The door was open and the class was in the midst of watching a health video about conception. I caught sight of the huge diagram of a uterus, Fallopian tubes, and ovaries. And there goes that pretty little egg making its way to the uterine wall for implantation. I stopped dead in my tracks, eyes bugging out of my head, jaw on the floor.

Really?! I'm doing my best to stay distracted while riding out the 2WW, but I can't escape it. Sigh.

I shook it off and decided to move on. About five steps later, Elaine calls after me. I didn't even realize that she was around to see my shellshocked reaction. There aren't many people at work who know what I've been going through, mostly because I've been holing myself away in my classroom. Antisocial, yes. But it's a survival technique I've adopted to guard my emotions with five pregnant colleagues running around the building ("There must be something in the water!" ...if I hear that one more time I might just reach out and throat punch someone!). In the moment, I decided to open up to Elaine and let her know exactly why I found the video so upsetting.

At first she didn't understand what I was trying to say. She recommended that I talk to another colleague who apparently had a hard time trying to conceive her two kids. As Elaine was telling me, this colleague tried every imaginable home remedy before it finally worked. I politely told her that we were already passed all that, we have been trying for over a year with no success, and are undergoing treatments with a fertility specialist.

As soon as I told her that, she got right on the same page as me and offered prayers. Hell yes, I'll take those prayers! And now I feel so good knowing that I have another friend at work who knows I'm struggling and has my back. It feels so good to be supported.

After moving on, I decided to focus on the positive: it is possible that we had conception just two days ago. Maybe, just maybe, I have a little zygote in there dividing and growing. Maybe it's on its way to my uterine wall trying to steak out some prime real estate. Please, please, please!! And while I'm asking for things, I'd like to request that the cutie little zygote steer clear of the top of my arcuate uterus. I'd just be able to rest easier throughout a pregnancy knowing that it has a better shot of getting through all nine months (part of me still worries that my ute is septate which is really scary. There's a very high risk of miscarriage if the baby implants on the septum because it's not an oxygen-rich part of the uterus).

I hope and pray this is happening right now!!
Ok, now I'm off to distract myself again. But first, a little chant ;)
Divide, Zygote, divide!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

I win!

Today will be noted as a win for Cici in the battle to stay motivated during the marathon suspension. I have been struggling to keep up with my running routine now that I'm on restrictions (one hour a day is simply not enough for a marathon junkie!!). Each day when I get home from work, I find every excuse in the book to not lace up.

But today, I win! As I was driving home from work I started to feel tired and lazy. The couch was calling my name! But I got out there anyway, and I'm so glad I did.

Now that I'm in the 2WW, it is essential to keep myself distracted. Running has to be a big piece of that. So I'm making running dates for the weekend, and should probably make a schedule for next week. I'll also pick a project around the house to keep me occupied. And I'll keep hoping, wishing, and praying every day that there's a baby in there.

The honest truth: this is why I started running :)

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Green Light

I went in for my first IUI this morning. It went really well and my hopes are sky-high for this cycle :)

I woke up from the ovulation pains at 5:00am. A friend had warned me that her triggers usually made her O pains more pronounced. When she told me that, I thought, "Great. My O pains are already pretty significant without meds. I hope it doesn't get much worse than a 'normal' cycle." Yikes, it was worse. I stayed in bed but couldn't fall back asleep because the pain was so intense :(

Finally I had to get up and get ready for my IUI. DH was trying to focus on doing "his job" if you know what I mean, so I didn't want to distract him or put any pressure on him. We had a little scare with the collection cup. Yesterday, I opened the bag to read through the instructions which said to refrigerate the cup until 30 minutes before collection. Oops, it had been sitting out on our counter for nearly two days. Luckily, we were able to get another cup. But I got nervous when DH went into the other room to do his thing that he might use the wrong cup. I felt bad that I had to check - I didn't want to wreck his concentration - but I needed to make sure he was using the right cup!! Luckily, he hadn't started yet and was able to perform very well, LOL! His count post-wash showed 18 million moving sperm!! The PA explained that was a really good number. They like to see something in the normal range of 5-10 million. Go, Johnny, go!!

It was getting close to the time I had to leave for my appointment, but the ovulation pains were getting worse. The more I moved around, the worse I felt. I started to dread the drive to my appointment and wished that DH was able to drive me. But that wasn't possible for today because he has a concert tonight.

I pulled out all the stops to power through the pain and just get my ass to my appointment. Thank god Rach picked up the phone and was able to chat with me the whole time I was driving. I would have probably cried the whole car ride if I didn't have her to distract me. I don't mean to sound like a baby or a wimp. I consider myself to have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I've run 10 marathons for crying out loud! I am conditioned to deal with discomfort and push through pain (yet I think I do a good job of knowing my body. I know what kind of pain is worth stopping for. I'd never keep running if it were truly hazardous to my longterm health).

The ladies in the office were so sympathetic towards me. I told the receptionist immediately that I was in pain and asked if I could take anything. The nurse got me some Tylenol which took the edge off of my pain, though I am still hurting as I write this. At least now it is manageable. The PA told me the fact that I was experiencing such strong pain was actually a good sign that my body was responding very well to the medication. So at least I'm not suffering in vain!

I have a tilted uterus, so it usually takes some extra maneuvering to get the catheter through. The PA did a great job and was very apologetic even though it wasn't that bad. The IUI took less than a minute, then I laid on the table for ten minutes to let the sperm swim around.

While I laid on the table, I held the lucky coin to my tummy and prayed. I set an alarm on my phone for 10 minutes, then took out a picture of DH and me. I tried to imagine what our children might look like. I wondered what their personalities might be like. I hope they take the best features from the both of us! I think we'd make some cute kids if I don't say so myself ;)

DH & me at a birthday party in January 2013
My hopes are higher than ever after all of the positive response we've had so far in this cycle. There has been nothing but green lights: blood work is normal, I had at least three good follies on Monday, the Ovidrel worked for sure as my O pains demonstrated, the PA thinks the intensity of my O pains is a good sign that I'm responding really well to the meds, DH's sperm wash had 18 million swimmers... it's all good! Now I just need to hang onto that hope and distract myself as much as possible during the 2WW. Wish us luck! Thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes are all welcome!! And, of course, the chant of the day:
Swim, Super Sperm! 
Find the Egg. Take Firm!
A baby is what we yearn! 
Swim, Super Sperm!  

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I'm Keeping My Eyes on the Prize

Or at least I'm trying. It seems to be a constant ebb and flow. One minute, I'm smiling, seeing the positive, happy. The next minute, I'm down in the dumps, everything's negative, despair.

Seriously, what is with the mood swings?! Ugh.

DH & I had an interesting conversation tonight at dinner. He doesn't talk about his feelings very often, and lately it seems like I'm always a blubbering mess while he is cool as a cucumber. I know that men and women just process things differently. And the two of us have always been on complete opposite extremes of the overly sensitive to insensitive spectrum (take a wild guess which one I am, HA!). 

He told me that he does want a baby now, but not in the same way that I do. He is still able to see the positives of being child-free at the moment. For example, the ten four-year-olds wildly running around Michael's birthday party on Sunday... DH saw that as an eye opening moment. When Michael has a melt-down and my brother has to discipline his child, he thinks, "Thank god I don't have to worry about that right now!" 

Me, on the other hand... I welcome all of the aches and pains of parenthood with open arms. I want to be a mother so badly that I'll take the good with the bad (and sometimes ugly... I'm not saying I will like it when my kid has a temper tantrum in the middle of a public place, but, hey, they're kids. Tantrums happen. A parent's job is never ending). As a matter of fact, it actually breaks my heart to hear pregnant women complain about the discomforts and inconveniences of pregnancy. I'd sacrifice almost anything to be pregnant.

Nonetheless, we both want the same thing: a family. He's just better at seeing the positive than I am. And he is much more patient. I am trying. It is hard. So when my mood swings to the dark side, I do my best to stop myself from destructive thinking, distract myself, and move on. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize. I will be a mother very soon.

Monday, May 20, 2013

A Breath of Fresh Air

My mid-cycle monitoring was this morning. I was looking forward to this appointment because I wanted to know how well I had responded to the Clomid. I spent the last week hoping and praying that my follicles (or as we refer to them on The Bump my follies) would grow. Ideally, my doctor wanted to see three or four mature follies ranging in size from 18mm to 24mm. If they weren't big enough then I'd need more medication to stimulate growth. If too many follicles were stimulated, then the fear would be high order multiples. So I hoped and prayed all week long. I held the lucky coin and even rubbed my tummy while chanting,
"Grow, Follies, grow!
Not too fast; not too slow.
Grow, Follies, grow!"
Well, I guess the chanting, praying, and hoping paid off because my doctor was very pleased with my response! I've always had a feeling that my right side was stronger than my left. Each cycle, I get ovulation pains and the intensity and duration of these cramps vary. One cycle, I'll have five days worth of moderate to intense cramping. The next cycle, ovulation pains will either be mild or nonexistent. Today's appointment validated my personal ovulation theory.

I have three promising follies on my right side. Hopefully one of them is gearing up to release that precious egg! The follicles on my right side measured in at 22mm, 22mm, 17mm and 13mm. The follicles on my left side were 13mm and 13mm. Oh, I am so excited thinking that maybe, just maybe, one of those follies holds the egg that will become my baby.

Now we have instructions from the doctor to move forward with the rest of this cycle.

  1. Trigger tonight between 6:00-9:00pm. I will give myself the Ovidrel injection that will trigger ovulation to occur within approximately 36 hours.
  2. DH and I get to HIO and do the BD.
  3. IUI is scheduled for Wednesday morning
This is the first time in so many months that I have actually felt there is a reason to hope. Maybe I'm setting myself up for a colossal disappointment, but I don't care! Whether this cycle is a bust or not won't change the feelings of sadness and disappointment that will follow a BFN. So I welcome the hope that my precious follies have inspired! It feels so good to have hope again.

And now to further prove that I'm a total dork, I leave you with my next chant:
The time is right; Trigger, take flight!
Send the egg with all your might! 
I will recite this while digging up the courage to stick myself with the syringe! Wish me luck!!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Trying to Stay Positive...

...but it keeps getting thrown in my face.

Today was my nephew's birthday party. Leading up to the party, I was so excited to see everyone. I'd get to see my niece; I was looking forward to snuggling her sweet little face and kissing her chunky cheeks. I was also really looking forward to seeing the rest of the family and just hanging out and having a good time.

I was doing fine... I was having a great time... I was even managing to have sincere happy thoughts for my pregnant SIL. I was a bit surprised by the sheer volume of kids running around and screaming, but after all, it was a 4th birthday party. Could I really expect that such an event wouldn't have a billion kids running around? Of course not.

Then the Buck family walked in and I noticed it right away. The baby bump. It was at that size where if you weren't told she was pregnant, you wouldn't dare go up and ask when the baby was due for fear that your assumption might be wrong. But I knew she was pregnant with #2 as soon as I saw it. I hadn't seen an announcement on Facebook, but then again, I haven't been keeping up with Facebook very much lately. And my DH didn't mention it to me... though it's not unlike him to let those types of things slip his mind.

I felt a sting when she confirmed it during our conversation. But I put on a happy face, smiled and said, "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you." I even tried to mean it. Eventually I do mean it once I've had the chance to absorb yet another pregnancy announcement. But standing there in the moment without a chance to step away and hash it out... it's hard. Nonetheless, I remained graceful about the situation on the outside and no one knew that I was struggling except for me.

Later on, I was passing through the kitchen where my SIL was conversing at the table with some of her guests. I wasn't paying attention to the conversation, but my ears perked up just in time to hear her complain about her pregnancy. In all honesty, what she said wasn't even that bad. I'm just way too sensitive about the topic for obvious reasons. But the comment that "she's not going to do that because she's pregnant" put a knot in my stomach.

When it came time to say goodbye and go home, I couldn't wait to just get out of there. Thank goodness DH picked up on the vibes I was sending him when I told him I was ready to leave. Usually it takes us a long time to leave a place... I just wasn't in the mood for all of the drawn out goodbyes.

Why do I feel this way? Every single time I get blindsided by another pregnancy announcement it is exactly the same string of emotions. Shock (from the blindsiding). Sadness (that I am not pregnant too). Anger (that I wasn't next... again). Guilt (for feeling bitter). Denial (that I am in fact dealing with infertility). Acceptance (that no one is taking a baby away from me. I will have my baby soon). Sadness (for being impatient and just wanting my baby right now). At this point, shouldn't I know how to deal with these emotions? Heaven knows I've had plenty of practice dealing with the situation. It seems like every other day the universe throws it in my face. Ugh.

I'm trying to nip it in the bud this time and get the emotions out without letting it wreck the rest of my day (and the next day too). Breathe in. Breathe out. Stop these destructive thoughts. I will not let myself get down. I will pull myself up. And focus on something positive.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Trigger Shot, standby.

My trigger shot was delivered yesterday by UPS. I have never had medications mailed to me before, so this was a first. When I learned about the shipment process, I was a little stressed out because the Ovidrel requires refrigeration, so someone has to be there to sign for the package. I didn't want to have it delivered at school and open up the gossip mill or have to answer any questions. Surely, the secretaries would have grilled me about it, or so I thought. Actually, it would have been fine now that I see the way they packaged it very discretely. But I was able to have it delivered to my MIL's house, and DH picked it up on his way home from work, so it was ok.

When I opened up the box, I was genuinely excited! It's kind of cool to think that maybe this little syringe will be one of the steps that actually gets me pregnant with my take-home baby :) And it was so sweet of the pharmacy to throw in a baggie of Hershey's Kisses! That made me smile.

Now my trigger shot is on standby in the refrigerator on the shelf above the cheese. As much as I hate needles, I am strangely looking forward to giving myself the injection. Is that weird?! Yeah, it probably is ;)

I was really nervous a few days ago that my mid-cycle monitoring appointment was scheduled too late in my cycle. I've had short cycles in the past (minimum 23, maximum 28, average 26 days) so scheduling mid-cycle monitoring on CD12 was causing me to worry that I'd O before my appointment. But here I am on CD10, and all of my OPTs have been negative, so I'm thinking I'll be good for Monday.

I'm excited to see how I responded to the Clomid and hope that I have a good follie gearing up. I'm ready to move onto the next phase of this cycle. It'll be nice to know when everything will be scheduled and I should get a good idea of that on Monday. Once my follies are good to go, I'll get instructions from the doctor to trigger, BD, and IUI. Then we'll be in the 2WW - hoping, praying, wondering, waiting.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Couch Potato... when did this happen??

One of my most recent struggles has been coping with the exercise restrictions given by my reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I am allowed only an hour a day of exercise, which by most standards is nothing to worry about. But for a genuine marathon addict.... oh, boy, this is killing me!

As you can imagine, it is impossible to train for a marathon with the limit of one hour a day. On average, it takes me about four hours to run 26.2 miles (PR is 3:42:54, woot woot!) so running the race itself is a violation of the doctor's orders. And the weeks and months leading up to a marathon, I'd usually dedicate at least two runs a week to run over the hour mark (one being a tempo run, the other a long run). So there goes that. No marathons while trying to get pregnant in a medicated cycle.

Showing off my marathon medal from 03.17.13
'Ok, so where's the problem?' you are wondering... I can keep running for now and the marathon suspension is only temporary. You would think that I'd be able to accept it and move on. But I can't. I mean, I do accept the fact that I need to make a personal sacrifice for the good of my family and will absolutely follow the doctor's restrictions. I want a baby so much. I would do almost anything to become a mother. But taking away marathon training is a huge, significant sacrifice for me, the hopeless marathon junkie.

Part of the problem is that my MO is all or nothing. Whatever I'm doing, I'm either going to give it 110% or I'm just not going to participate. I'm a perfectionist... and may have a little OCD. In regards to running, I have learned from the past that if I'm not training for a marathon then I get really lazy. I know I can get away with running a 5K or even a half marathon with less than my best effort. So if I'm faced with the choice of getting my arse out there for a run or being lazy... Eh, it's ok to let this one slide... and the next one... and now I haven't run in three days... six days... OH MY GOD I have to run right now or I'm going to lose my mind!! I feel so guilty and ashamed when I get lazy and slack off. So it's just better when I'm training for a marathon, because I won't let myself skip out on that run just because I don't wanna.

So what do I do? How am I going to survive this marathon suspension? Ahhhh, I don't know!! I guess the part of this that makes it the most frustrating is knowing the odds of getting pregnant on this cycle. My doctor gave me a 20% success rate with my diagnosis and course of treatment. That means that there's an 80% chance that it won't work this time. That makes me frustrated for a lot of reasons (I want my take-home baby as soon as possible! I can't find the strength to be patient for months or years just to get knocked up), but in regards to the marathon-suspension-turned-me-into-a-couch-potato situation.... ARGH!!!!

Monday, May 13, 2013

It's out of my control.

Ugh, that is a hard pill to swallow for a total control freak. I get it, Universe. You've been trying to teach me this for years now. There are certain things in life that you just can't control, and if you're wise you'll accept that and move on.

Everything in my life always came so easily as a kid. I set goals for myself, and not only would I achieve the goal, but I'd knock it out of the park. I am the definition of an over-achiever (I know I sound like a lot of fun to be around... control freak AND over achiever, lol). I guess I should just count myself lucky that I had a good stretch of years where things just went my way. But more than anything it all just set me up for the false pretense that if I worked hard enough at something then of course it was going to work out the way I had planned. Sigh.

I don't mean to sound completely hopeless over here. Quite the contrary. I really just think that I went through my early years completely naive to the fact that life is hard. You don't get to plan out every little detail. A friend recently told me, "If you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans." I think if anything I'm just finally starting to understand that you just have to go with the flow. It will work out the way it's supposed to in the end. After all, "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

I guess I'm just cranky because I was hoping that this TTC cycle I would feel a little more in control. It is our first medicated cycle, and I couldn't be happier that I don't have to POAS every day, I don't have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to take my BTT, I don't have to obsess over my stupid chart. I thought going into this, "I won't have to worry about guessing when O will be. The doctors will tell me." Which they will... but I guess I just thought that even if I wasn't in control of my own body, at least the doctor would be able to definitively interpret what was going on to give us a reasonable chance... and they will make their best guess, but at the end of the day, a lot of this is simply a mystery. Even our diagnosis is a mystery. Unexplained infertility. Gee, thanks for clearing that up.

What I wasn't counting on was that my head is still going to run interference and play stupid mind games. I should have known better. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take a sip of wine. Maybe a taste of chocolate. Go for a good run. Anything to just shut my brain off!!

Intellectually, I know what I must do. The thing that is worrying me at the moment... it'll be ok. The nagging feeling I have in my gut... just ssshhhhhh!! Trust the doctor. He says CD12 is ok for mid-cycle monitoring. I hope he is right and I am wrong. I just can't help but worry that my body will hijack this perfectly laid plan and O before my appointment. Intellectually, I know that I must let these thoughts go. They are no good for me. And even if I'm right... who cares?! It's going to happen. I will be a mom. Soon. I guess I just want it now (actually I wanted it yesterday... IF really sucks).

Anyway, I'm just gonna keep swimmin' over here. It's out of my control. And I guess that's ok. Humph.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Here Goes Nothing!

I'm not really the bloggy type. At least, I never thought I was. But I've been reading some of the blogs written by the fabulous 3T ladies over at The Bump and I have been inspired. These women are simply amazing. The support and understanding that comes from this group is unlike any other. I have incredible friends and family who I cherish so much, but unless you've gone through a personal struggle with infertility yourself... it's not possible to understand it.

I would never wish the struggle of IF on anyone. There are days where I feel low... sad... alone... hopeless. And then recently, I found the 3T board. I can't begin to express how much it helps to know that there are other women going through the same struggles as me and yet they can remain graceful, positive, and hopeful. Not every moment - we all have our bad days - but somehow in this community we manage to boost each other up whenever hugs are needed, and when you're in need of a hug they come swarming in!

Like I said above, I am so fortunate to have some amazing friends and family who support me in real life. Just today I met with my two favorite running buddies, Rach & Kris. We are kindred spirits and just have a connection that cannot be put into words. We call ourselves "The Trinity" because the three of us look at running like a religion... and we're all a little goofy too :)

Today being Mother's Day is a tough one to swallow when you're dealing with IF. I thought running with the Trinity gals would be ok today because we're so sensitive and supportive of each other. When Kris pulled in, Rach & I met her at her car. I noticed flowers in the passenger seat and my heart sank. Rach is a mother and is pregnant with #2 due in September. I assumed that Kris would acknowledge Rach with at least a few words, but wasn't prepared to see a gift exchange. This is one of the main reasons why I skipped out on church today after all. I didn't want to deal with the pastor recognizing all the mothers and me just sit there with tears in my eyes.

Well, I had it all wrong. Kristina brought flowers for us BOTH. She brought me flowers too! I almost started to cry when she handed the orchids over to me. And I can't help but to smile when I look at them :) I am so incredibly lucky to have good friends who accept me the way I am and support me unconditionally.

Me & my Mocha with our new flowers :)
Well, that's all I'm going to say for now. I'm a talker, so this could go on and on :) We shall see if I can keep up with this. I've always been a dreamer of big dreams... so many good ideas, but not enough time for them all :)