Saturday, April 30, 2016

Monitoring #4 and #5

I'm just going to cut to the chase: CANCELED. My lining started to break down, so my doctor canceled the cycle. She said that she's not 100% sure that it's bad, but wouldn't want to throw an embryo in there unless she was 100% sure it was good. I'm taking seven days of Provera, will get a period, and then start again with the next CD1. Next time, we won't push so long with the estrogen phase. As soon as my lining is ready, we will go onto the next phase.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Monitoring #2 and #3

Monitoring #2 was on Tuesday, April 19 (CD13). My lining measured at 9.6mm, Type I (squee!!), both ovaries were quiet with 15 follicles on the right and 16 follicles on the left, and my estrogen was 1,265. My instructions were to continue with 2mg Estradiol vaginally twice a day and return for monitoring on Friday. My transfer had to be rescheduled to two days later due to Dr. S's schedule. Two more days?!?! Awwww man!!! It's fine, but obviously a bit of a bummer to have to wait even longer! I just want my ninja squirrel with me right now!!

Monitoring #3 was on Friday, April 22 (CD16). My lining measured 8.7mm, Type I, and both ovaries were quiet with 12 follicles on the right and 14 follicles on the left. I'm continuing with the Estradiol and returning for monitoring on Wednesday. I got my instructions for the progesterone phase and transfer. Squee!!

Here's the medication schedule for progesterone phase through beta:

Thursday 4/28 to Saturday 4/30
*6:00am   PIO 1ml (*Thursday only)
6:30am     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, PNV+supps, Doxycycline, Medrol)
7:00pm     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, Baby Aspirin, Doxycycline)
8:00pm     PIO 1ml 
Sunday 5/1 to Thursday 5/126:00am     Benadryl 25mg
7:00am     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, PNV+supps, Doxycycline, Medrol)
2:00pm     Benadryl 25mg
7:00pm     Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, Baby Aspirin, Doxycycline)
8:00pm     PIO 1ml
10:00pm   Benadryl 25mg 
**Metrogel Monday 5/2 at bedtime
**Progesterone suppository Tuesday 5/3 at 11:00am
**Doxycycline and Medrol stops on Thursday 5/5
I feel excited and ready. I can't wait for PUPO Ninja Squirrel snuggles!! 8 days until transfer and counting!!

Friday, April 15, 2016

Monitoring #1

Today is CD9, and I'm on the estrogen phase of my FET cycle. My jaw dropped to the floor when the doctor told me my lining was Type I and 8.4mm during my ultrasound. I told him how that was the thickest my lining has ever, ever been. Then he measured again and said it was actually 9.5mm and "growing before our very eyes!" I couldn't help but to let a "holy shit" slip out! I was so surprised!!

My estrogen is 968 and my progesterone is 0.4. I am doubling my dose of Estradiol (2mg vaginally twice a day) and returning for monitoring on Tuesday. My transfer is scheduled with my doctor on Sunday, May 1st. I am SO EXCITED to meet one of my ninja squirrels. 15 days seems so far away!! How am I going to keep myself occupied until then?!

It has been a bit emotional around here. Partially because of the estrogen... but mainly because of the wounds from my losses and intense infertility history. From the time of Rosa's stillbirth to the time of our transfer, my womb will have been empty for eleven entire months... I just can't believe it's been that long. Last night, I had a wave of guilt overcome me thinking about another baby in Rosa & Robin's sacred space. The only place they knew life... How can I share that with another baby? I know that it's time to move forward, and I feel in my heart that Rosa and Robin would want us to be happy. They would want us to try for a sibling. And for the most part, I feel excited and ready. I just need to be true to my heart and feel what I'm feeling.

I miss you and love you, Rosa Kimberly and Robin Kay. Please look out for your brother/sister... best guardian angels out there <3


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Remembering Frostie Ninja

Today is the two year anniversary of Frostie Ninja's transfer. That little embryo held so much hope. I was at peace and completely in love while I was PUPO with him. I envision that he is waiting for me in heaven with Rosa, Robin, Brooke & Brian (the two embryos who were abnormal from our donor cycle). In my mind, when we are reunited, they won't have aged at all. My cousin will hand Rosa to me, and she will be a perfectly healthy little baby. I will finish my pregnancies in heaven with all of the embryos who tried but didn't make it here on earth. I am going to have thirty babies in heaven, and there will never be a shortage of help with all my loved ones surrounding me. All of my heavenly pregnancies will be healthy and happy and blissful. 

The daydreamer in me lives on, and Frostie Ninja's spirit does too.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016


Today is CD6, and I just got the "all clear" from the doctors to start meds for my FET cycle!!

I went in this morning for Baseline 2.0. The first baseline appointment was on CD2, and even though my hormones were low, my lining was still too thick. It was a little bit of a gamble waiting until CD6 to get back for a rescan - if there had been any follicle growth then I wouldn't have been able to start meds - but with my trip this weekend today is the earliest I could get back. Today's appointment went very well!! My lining measured at 3.8mm, was a Type III, and both ovaries were quiet. The doctor said I'm ready to start medications, and I'll get a call from my nurse later this afternoon with instructions. Squee!

I put a call into my doctor to ask a question about my Lovenox start date. I'm going to take the prophylactic dose along with Baby Aspirin, but when to start is questionable. My MFM said to start Baby Aspirin two weeks prior to transfer, and Lovenox would not be necessary. My previous MFM recommended Lovenox and Baby Aspirin, but did not give a start date. My RE said that I could do both starting with a (hopeful) positive beta. I think I'd feel more comfortable starting them both two weeks prior to transfer just to be safe. 

From an emotional standpoint, I feel ready to start this cycle. I am astonished at my level of calm going into this. It has been ten long months since I gave birth to my darling Rosa, and fifteen long months since I said goodbye to Robin. It is time for them to have a (hopeful) earthly sibling. I have been dedicated to a daily meditation practice (103 day streak!!), and training for the two half marathons was the perfect way to keep my mind busy while riding out the bench. Last week's race with Rachel was a lot of fun, though my performance was hindered by a little cold I picked up at work. And it was pouring rain, so that made my cold even worse. This weekend's race was so awesome! I got to meet a lot of my internet friends who also ran the race or traveled for the meet-up. The training leading up to the races was exactly what I needed. It felt so good to run fast and chase an aggressive goal, even if I didn't achieve it on race day. 

Monday, April 4, 2016


CD1 should be coming along soon, and I am feeling especially sappy tonight. I must have cried at least four times while watching DWTS (love that show!! So much passion!!). And now I'm laying here before bed thinking and breathing... And tearing up?! All signs point to hormones pulling all the stops! 

It's alright. Once CD1 is here, I'll call my nurse and we'll get on with our FET. It has been 10 months since I birthed my beautiful, still daughter. When her little body came out of mine, I felt empty in every way. My uterus, my heart, my soul... She took them all to heaven with her, and I was a broken shell of my old self. And like a butterfly, I went through a magnificent transformation. Somehow, I came out of the darkness as a better, more whole person. It was brutal and painful and dark and grueling. And it still hurts everyday to think about it all. I miss my babies so, very much. I could never put into words how isolating and deafening the pain was. Is. Sometimes, I step back and wonder how I endured it all... Was that really me who went through all of that?

I am looking forward to my next cycle. I simply cannot wait to meet my precious little ninja squirrel. I am so hopeful that s/he will make it into our arms. I have faith that his/her big brother and sister will guide us all. S/he truly has the best guardian angels in all of existence. 

And there go the tears again!

I ran a half marathon with my best friend this past weekend. It was awesome! The opportunity to spend the past few months doing the thing I love with the support of the people I love... It's beautiful! I have one more race this upcoming weekend before I hang up my racing shoes for what I hope will be a happy & healthy nine months. I am looking forward to meeting up with some long lost internet friends for the first time too!!

And one last thing: I made a promise to share a picture of the artwork created by my little sister. Here it is... It is so special to me. And breathtaking. I just love it!!