My thoughts, however, betray me. I see running mothers and fathers pushing their babies in jogging strollers. I see families out for a bike ride with patriotic streamers trailing from their handle bars. I see people smiling and laughing as they enjoy the beautiful day. They all hurt my heart. Not because they are happy and have what I want, but because I am sad and don't have what I want.
These are all reminders that I shouldn't be here right now. I should be in the hospital. By Rosa's bedside. Watching her fight for her life. Watching her win.
My friends and family were so concerned about me spending time at family events over the past five weeks. Jack's first birthday party, Emily's baptism, visiting Mel with Liam bouncing along in his exersaucer. "Are you sure you want to go? Isn't that going to be too hard?" I insisted that I would be fine. And I was. Admittedly, there were moments that stung. I couldn't stay in the room when they sang Happy Birthday to Jack. I thought about Rosa while I held Emily, and wished that the two cousins could grow up together. I had to cut my visit short when I reached my threshold for baby talk towards adorable Liam. But I knew I wanted to be there for each of those moments. Infertility already robbed me of so many moments like this. Chances to see my friends and family as the beautiful mothers they are. I won't let that happen again.
Even these strangers at the shore... I think it is beautiful the way they are enjoying their time together with their families. I just wish I weren't here to see it. I wish I were with my growing family, even if it meant being in a hospital for a year and watching Rosa go through the fight of her life. I wish she pulled through...
But she didn't. She is in heaven instead. And I am here wishing I could go to her. Someday, I know, I know. But today hurts like hell. And as another mother running with her baby in her BOB jogger passes me, I think to myself, "Do you know how lucky you are??" I hope she does.
I often wonder if women with babies know how lucky they are. And then I stop myself and think "you have no idea how she got that baby." The truth is, we don't know how those families got those babies... Perhaps they struggled a lot. Maybe they adopted. We will never know. But hurt all you want today, Celeste. You are entitled to all the feelings you want/need to have. And I am certain Rosa wishes she had pulled through too, but she's seeing it all. I believe that with all of my heart! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm cynical. I don't think most moms realize how lucky they are. On a related note, I HATE it when moms or expecting couples comment on how "blessed" they are. Nope, you're lucky.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good person. A good daughter, sister, aunt, momma to your babies (almost everyday you go to visit your very sweet Rosa!) wife, friend, solemate -- the best. I know that some days are better than others but you keep on being YOU and keep on being STRONG. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying that, Soley <3 love you to pieces
Delete