tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14160371950930077202024-02-20T20:51:00.444-08:00Running and Dreaming for TwoUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger256125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-57185609594761975942016-05-13T22:15:00.000-07:002016-05-13T22:15:22.115-07:00Monitoring #1The estrogen is really wearing me down this time around. Not to mention all the triggers in every direction I turn. This morning's ultrasound was in the same room we ran to during our Week 6 Bleeding Scare with Rosa & Robin. I can't seem to make it through an hour without tearing up. It's been tough, but I'm doing my best to hang in there.<br />
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My lining is slowly and steadily coming along. It measured at 6.3mm Type II today. My ovaries are being a bit obnoxious, albeit harmless, with a 22mm hemorrhagic cyst on my right and 33 follicles less than 10mm. That many follicles is ironic for a lady with a DOR diagnosis.<br />
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My estrogen is at 128, progesterone 0.3, I return on Wednesday for more monitoring, and increase the estradiol to 2mg three times a day.<br />
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The anxiety is pretty elevated. I was a little rattled waiting for my nurse to call... by 3:00pm I started thinking my doctor would call me to tell me that I was getting canceled. That's just the paranoia thanks to my history talking. My nurse called at 4:00pm, and said everything looks great. I don't feel great.<br />
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I also realized that if things go along as we're hoping, then I will be PUPO on Rosa's birthday. I can't possibly describe the flood of emotions that comes along with that realization. I think about it, and my eyes well up (which is, again, ironic for a lady with a Sjögren's diagnosis).<br />
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I am obsessed with P!NK's song <i>Beam Me Up</i> and have been playing it on my guitar. It always makes me feel better to sing to my girl, even if it gets broken up with tears. I just miss her. I really hope that she's looking out for her siblings.<br />
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I really hope that now is the time to make her a big sister.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-4573303691383866942016-05-11T19:32:00.001-07:002016-05-11T19:32:01.883-07:00BaselineHere we go again! My baseline appointment was on Monday, CD3, and went very well. Hormones were low, ovaries were quiet & lining was thin. Let's do this!!<div><br></div><div>I wish I could just let the enthusiasm and excitement take over, but there is anxiety and fear mixed in there too. I'm on 2mg oral estradiol twice a day... That is definitely cranking up the anxiety. Today, I noticed a bit more than usual hair loss. Am I just being paranoid? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage the cycle before it even gets started? Or am I being proactive? I called my nurse to ask for my thyroid blood work to be added to the order at Friday's monitoring appointment. Better to check and be safe. </div><div><br></div><div>I miss my baby girl. I just miss her so much. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNs6BPdYxc5Q57M4v5guoYjpKyvvSM2DTvGYnJvLqDSrU7NfWcKKxzA4XOVTn1TWQeJETNR1jTVTU1bHysEipQJPpoYSwRCeV1Vw-Tn05WgTA1NPtYA7AOUjVdNDPY4t9I0yqWA6PxxnE/s640/blogger-image-2035334261.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNs6BPdYxc5Q57M4v5guoYjpKyvvSM2DTvGYnJvLqDSrU7NfWcKKxzA4XOVTn1TWQeJETNR1jTVTU1bHysEipQJPpoYSwRCeV1Vw-Tn05WgTA1NPtYA7AOUjVdNDPY4t9I0yqWA6PxxnE/s640/blogger-image-2035334261.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-33027568948661956302016-05-01T11:30:00.001-07:002016-05-01T11:30:37.086-07:00What are you wishing for?Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. I made an announcement during church to spread awareness, and to ask the congregation to keep all bereaved mothers in their thoughts and prayers. Father Bruce thanked me after mass and asked me to continue advocating. <div><br></div><div>We went to the cemetery like we always do after mass. It was gloomy and raining, as I spoke a few words to my baby girl & her twin. They made me a mother. I held them in my womb, and gave birth to my darling Rosa 11 months ago. I will never forget the time we spent together and the bonds we formed in those short months. </div><div><br></div><div>There was a lone wish flower to the left of Rosa & Robin's plot. I asked them, "What are you wishing for?" In my heart, they responded, "I'm wishing for you. For my brother. For my sister." I have faith that they are looking down on us all from heaven. They are guarding us and protecting us. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb3gxCShFp8Sf_DSEeHLtEPYJa3rdoNNBdnETqsG_vymLvW2crVFl4oPUaIq235eslNGBKQRrs4bvX1RcRlhCXaXtVK_5FyNWeALDssdn06z4Rfps7BxvsmCwuvyH-zVsc9tz6KmPG-3E/s640/blogger-image--1522097427.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb3gxCShFp8Sf_DSEeHLtEPYJa3rdoNNBdnETqsG_vymLvW2crVFl4oPUaIq235eslNGBKQRrs4bvX1RcRlhCXaXtVK_5FyNWeALDssdn06z4Rfps7BxvsmCwuvyH-zVsc9tz6KmPG-3E/s640/blogger-image--1522097427.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-1385072399582576622016-04-30T05:18:00.000-07:002016-04-30T05:18:10.692-07:00Monitoring #4 and #5I'm just going to cut to the chase: CANCELED. My lining started to break down, so my doctor canceled the cycle. She said that she's not 100% sure that it's bad, but wouldn't want to throw an embryo in there unless she was 100% sure it was good. I'm taking seven days of Provera, will get a period, and then start again with the next CD1. Next time, we won't push so long with the estrogen phase. As soon as my lining is ready, we will go onto the next phase.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-37276041682875248192016-04-25T15:48:00.000-07:002016-04-25T15:48:25.279-07:00Monitoring #2 and #3Monitoring #2 was on Tuesday, April 19 (CD13). My lining measured at 9.6mm, Type I (squee!!), both ovaries were quiet with 15 follicles on the right and 16 follicles on the left, and my estrogen was 1,265. My instructions were to continue with 2mg Estradiol vaginally twice a day and return for monitoring on Friday. My transfer had to be rescheduled to two days later due to Dr. S's schedule. Two more days?!?! Awwww man!!! It's fine, but obviously a bit of a bummer to have to wait even longer! I just want my ninja squirrel with me right now!!<br />
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Monitoring #3 was on Friday, April 22 (CD16). My lining measured 8.7mm, Type I, and both ovaries were quiet with 12 follicles on the right and 14 follicles on the left. I'm continuing with the Estradiol and returning for monitoring on Wednesday. I got my instructions for the progesterone phase and transfer. Squee!!<br />
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Here's the medication schedule for progesterone phase through beta:<br />
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<u>Thursday 4/28 to Saturday 4/30</u><br />*6:00am PIO 1ml (*Thursday only)<br />6:30am Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, PNV+supps, Doxycycline, Medrol)<br />7:00pm Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, Baby Aspirin, Doxycycline)<br />8:00pm PIO 1ml </blockquote>
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<u>Sunday 5/1 to Thursday 5/12</u>6:00am Benadryl 25mg<br />7:00am Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, PNV+supps, Doxycycline, Medrol)<br />2:00pm Benadryl 25mg<br />7:00pm Estradiol 2mg vaginal, Oral Meds (Plaquenil, Baby Aspirin, Doxycycline)<br />8:00pm PIO 1ml<br />10:00pm Benadryl 25mg </blockquote>
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**Metrogel Monday 5/2 at bedtime<br />**Progesterone suppository Tuesday 5/3 at 11:00am<br />**Doxycycline and Medrol stops on Thursday 5/5</blockquote>
I feel excited and ready. I can't wait for PUPO Ninja Squirrel snuggles!! 8 days until transfer and counting!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-55542429610182639182016-04-15T17:18:00.001-07:002016-04-15T17:18:24.572-07:00Monitoring #1Today is CD9, and I'm on the estrogen phase of my FET cycle. My jaw dropped to the floor when the doctor told me my lining was Type I and 8.4mm during my ultrasound. I told him how that was the thickest my lining has ever, ever been. Then he measured again and said it was actually 9.5mm and "growing before our very eyes!" I couldn't help but to let a "holy shit" slip out! I was so surprised!!<br />
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My estrogen is 968 and my progesterone is 0.4. I am doubling my dose of Estradiol (2mg vaginally twice a day) and returning for monitoring on Tuesday. My transfer is scheduled with my doctor on Sunday, May 1st. I am SO EXCITED to meet one of my ninja squirrels. 15 days seems so far away!! How am I going to keep myself occupied until then?!<br />
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It has been a bit emotional around here. Partially because of the estrogen... but mainly because of the wounds from my losses and intense infertility history. From the time of Rosa's stillbirth to the time of our transfer, my womb will have been empty for eleven entire months... I just can't believe it's been that long. Last night, I had a wave of guilt overcome me thinking about another baby in Rosa & Robin's sacred space. The only place they knew life... How can I share that with another baby? I know that it's time to move forward, and I feel in my heart that Rosa and Robin would want us to be happy. They would want us to try for a sibling. And for the most part, I feel excited and ready. I just need to be true to my heart and feel what I'm feeling.<br />
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I miss you and love you, Rosa Kimberly and Robin Kay. Please look out for your brother/sister... best guardian angels out there <3<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-32951538998640433642016-04-13T06:06:00.001-07:002016-04-13T06:06:02.108-07:00Remembering Frostie Ninja<div>Today is the two year anniversary of Frostie Ninja's transfer. That little embryo held so much hope. I was at peace and completely in love while I was PUPO with him. I envision that he is waiting for me in heaven with Rosa, Robin, Brooke & Brian (the two embryos who were abnormal from our donor cycle). In my mind, when we are reunited, they won't have aged at all. My cousin will hand Rosa to me, and she will be a perfectly healthy little baby. I will finish my pregnancies in heaven with all of the embryos who tried but didn't make it here on earth. I am going to have thirty babies in heaven, and there will never be a shortage of help with all my loved ones surrounding me. All of my heavenly pregnancies will be healthy and happy and blissful. </div><div><br></div><div>The daydreamer in me lives on, and Frostie Ninja's spirit does too.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKuDLbQMIwbAVdLjC20MBYGEyNeKRFjd5C7_JyGjGYUjOWo5IuXQgbzIJtdL4m_LlpegcnTMi6mby1MZWepiAMjMyBUlxm-KN2mwrgijV-uolsBF0_aJI0cPNJcXTlJhonxpLJ3b57bzs/s640/blogger-image-1590970917.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKuDLbQMIwbAVdLjC20MBYGEyNeKRFjd5C7_JyGjGYUjOWo5IuXQgbzIJtdL4m_LlpegcnTMi6mby1MZWepiAMjMyBUlxm-KN2mwrgijV-uolsBF0_aJI0cPNJcXTlJhonxpLJ3b57bzs/s640/blogger-image-1590970917.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-59708470580414516802016-04-12T05:57:00.001-07:002016-04-12T05:57:50.076-07:00BURN THE BENCH!Today is CD6, and I just got the "all clear" from the doctors to start meds for my FET cycle!!<br />
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I went in this morning for Baseline 2.0. The first baseline appointment was on CD2, and even though my hormones were low, my lining was still too thick. It was a little bit of a gamble waiting until CD6 to get back for a rescan - if there had been any follicle growth then I wouldn't have been able to start meds - but with my trip this weekend today is the earliest I could get back. Today's appointment went very well!! My lining measured at 3.8mm, was a Type III, and both ovaries were quiet. The doctor said I'm ready to start medications, and I'll get a call from my nurse later this afternoon with instructions. Squee!</div>
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I put a call into my doctor to ask a question about my Lovenox start date. I'm going to take the prophylactic dose along with Baby Aspirin, but when to start is questionable. My MFM said to start Baby Aspirin two weeks prior to transfer, and Lovenox would not be necessary. My previous MFM recommended Lovenox and Baby Aspirin, but did not give a start date. My RE said that I could do both starting with a (hopeful) positive beta. I think I'd feel more comfortable starting them both two weeks prior to transfer just to be safe. </div>
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From an emotional standpoint, I feel ready to start this cycle. I am astonished at my level of calm going into this. It has been ten long months since I gave birth to my darling Rosa, and fifteen long months since I said goodbye to Robin. It is time for them to have a (hopeful) earthly sibling. I have been dedicated to a daily meditation practice (103 day streak!!), and training for the two half marathons was the perfect way to keep my mind busy while riding out the bench. Last week's race with Rachel was a lot of fun, though my performance was hindered by a little cold I picked up at work. And it was <b>pouring </b>rain, so that made my cold even worse. This weekend's race was so awesome! I got to meet a lot of my internet friends who also ran the race or traveled for the meet-up. The training leading up to the races was exactly what I needed. It felt so good to run fast and chase an aggressive goal, even if I didn't achieve it on race day. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-24607826545077825212016-04-04T19:54:00.001-07:002016-04-04T19:54:52.006-07:00EmotionalCD1 should be coming along soon, and I am feeling especially sappy tonight. I must have cried at least four times while watching DWTS (love that show!! So much passion!!). And now I'm laying here before bed thinking and breathing... And tearing up?! All signs point to hormones pulling all the stops! <div><br></div><div>It's alright. Once CD1 is here, I'll call my nurse and we'll get on with our FET. It has been 10 months since I birthed my beautiful, still daughter. When her little body came out of mine, I felt empty in every way. My uterus, my heart, my soul... She took them all to heaven with her, and I was a broken shell of my old self. And like a butterfly, I went through a magnificent transformation. Somehow, I came out of the darkness as a better, more whole person. It was brutal and painful and dark and grueling. And it still hurts everyday to think about it all. I miss my babies so, very much. I could never put into words how isolating and deafening the pain was. Is. Sometimes, I step back and wonder how I endured it all... Was that really me who went through all of that?</div><div><br></div><div>I am looking forward to my next cycle. I simply cannot wait to meet my precious little ninja squirrel. I am so hopeful that s/he will make it into our arms. I have faith that his/her big brother and sister will guide us all. S/he truly has the best guardian angels in all of existence. </div><div><br></div><div>And there go the tears again!</div><div><br></div><div>I ran a half marathon with my best friend this past weekend. It was awesome! The opportunity to spend the past few months doing the thing I love with the support of the people I love... It's beautiful! I have one more race this upcoming weekend before I hang up my racing shoes for what I hope will be a happy & healthy nine months. I am looking forward to meeting up with some long lost internet friends for the first time too!!</div><div><br></div><div>And one last thing: I made a promise to share a picture of the artwork created by my little sister. Here it is... It is so special to me. And breathtaking. I just love it!! </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh4cV1Uo2Oyj-jLJtK5FMFrrqhfLEo_nJaUf5K9KNfRJhVjYJNAOkyO-CpWPTv0JuZammQjBaBiTMbqiu5xmyeCHCJqXeRlaYXBO61SiuNWDveosaTbcMNQleDPnnbBbrTPOTrPK79dK8/s640/blogger-image-275080898.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh4cV1Uo2Oyj-jLJtK5FMFrrqhfLEo_nJaUf5K9KNfRJhVjYJNAOkyO-CpWPTv0JuZammQjBaBiTMbqiu5xmyeCHCJqXeRlaYXBO61SiuNWDveosaTbcMNQleDPnnbBbrTPOTrPK79dK8/s640/blogger-image-275080898.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-82507227745679262102016-02-12T11:19:00.002-08:002016-02-12T11:19:18.535-08:00Rosa's Rose<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
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Well, I just ugly cried at Micheal's. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">My sister is a talented artist, so I gave her one of the handprints Rosa made at the hospital. She drew a gorgeous pink rose, used the green handprint as a leaf on the rose, and wrote out Rosa's full name in fancy script. It is breathtaking, and it was her Christmas gift to us this year. I cried on Christmas Day when I opened the gift, and have been waiting for a sale so we could get it custom framed (expensive!!!). There's a 60%+20% going on at Michael's this week, so I jumped on it.<br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">I did a little shopping before heading back to the framing counter. I wanted colored pencils for my coloring book, and wanted to get a gift for my niece's birthday. I passed by the aisle with memory books... the baby books were on sale. Deep sigh. <br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">After I got everything I was looking for, I went back to the framing counter. The young lady at the desk was very nice and helpful. I showed her the artwork, and she helped me to pick out a few options. As she was pulling samples, my eyes locked onto the artwork. I could not control myself... The tears just started flowing at the sight of the gorgeous piece. And the thought that this is my reality for Rosa. I don't get to fill a baby book for her... I get to make memorial pieces and mount them in fancy frames. I should be, and am, thankful that I have this beautiful piece of art... But it's just not enough sometimes. I want <i>her</i>. I want Rosa. I want to stroke her soft cheeks, and trace a heart on her face with my finger like I did at the hospital. I want to see that face grow up, and light up with a smile. It's just so, tragically, heartbreakingly unfair.</span></span></div>
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The framed artwork is going to be magnificent. I picked out the most perfect frame and had it triple matted. Even with the sale, the whole thing cost $260. I don't care about the dollar amount, though wouldn't it be nice to spend it on diapers instead? Sigh. I miss her. I will post a picture of the finished piece when it comes in on February 26th.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-22352852705456017392016-02-12T04:29:00.001-08:002016-02-12T11:21:12.734-08:00God's Delay is Not God's Denial<div>
Good morning, Blog Stalkers :)</div>
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I had my surgical hysteroscopy yesterday with Dr. B. All things considered, it went well. My septum was resected, and I had a D&C. I was anticipating a 4 week recovery to heal my lining, but woke up in disbelief and tears asking the nurse if it was true that Dr. B said two months. I don't remember speaking with him, but she confirmed that was indeed what he said. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Another delay!! It's just so hard to be patient after going through everything that we have. </div>
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When they moved me into the second recovery room, my husband joined me and without saying a word, he already knew how I felt about the two month recovery time. He is bummed too. He told me about his conversation with Dr. B, and showed me the pictures from my surgery. The reason for the additional time is because the section where the septum was removed is supposed to be smooth. It's not; the texture is fibrous and rough. So he is recommending two cycles before we proceed with our FET. </div>
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I sulked the rest of the day, and woke up feeling better. I still have some moderate bleeding and cramping, but nothing out of the norm. I did have a strange reaction to either the anesthesia, my autoimmune system being in shock, or anxiety. Starting about 10:00 last night, I had tingling in my hands, arms, feet, and legs. It has eased up, but I still feel it in my feet. I will tell my RE or my nurse when she calls today, and I'll tell my rheumatologist at my appointment on Tuesday. Weird!! </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-90457453395975127612016-01-23T10:38:00.001-08:002016-02-12T11:20:55.696-08:00Snow Day Tears<div>
**possible tissue warning***</div>
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My husband & I were eating lunch and talking about the snow storm. We are snowed in, not a plow in sight, and it's still coming down hard. Good thing we have nowhere to be! We are enjoying a warm, cozy day inside relaxing, cooking, and coloring. The conversation was light and merry until he brought up the snow storm from March 5th... and then the flood gates opened up for both of us. </div>
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March 5, 2015 was the beginning of the end for our dear, sweet Rosa. It goes down in my personal history book as one of the worst days of my life. It was two days before my birthday, the snow/rain storm caused flooding in my house, and we were first learning of Rosa's fatal diagnosis. </div>
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All it took was one little mention of that storm to bring back all of the horrible memories that we've both been holding in... </div>
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How I miss my darling Rosa & Robin. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-41063144940875052992016-01-13T14:33:00.001-08:002016-01-13T14:33:41.618-08:00Thaw, Biopsy, RefreezeOur four little ninja squirrels were thawed, biopsied, and refrozen today. Dr. S said they did beautifully, and all four survived. Now we wait about two weeks for results. PRAYERS!!!!!!<div><br></div><div>Dr. S also said that she looked over my films from my hysteroscopy and saline sonograms. She and another doctor discussed my case and decided it would be best for me to have another hysteroscopy to have my septum resected. She said that she's being overly cautious and that there's a chance that they'll get in there and decide to leave it. Given our history, she is being extra thorough to make sure there are no stones left unturned. Fine by me! Make sure everything is perfect before we give it another go! </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2nrKUzRD1fdarmmEPp-1H0pJz6_iw9PHkEcFg6AL2z2p0zwHosNeyhNZ4hfaQwnhF0YfLlyyJLOgG_2K5iRXPjPWwolSUyVj69VqUNpL9mylrip7dWSwMO3MEJxSZXf92PlNLW98-ilw/s640/blogger-image--1102997531.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2nrKUzRD1fdarmmEPp-1H0pJz6_iw9PHkEcFg6AL2z2p0zwHosNeyhNZ4hfaQwnhF0YfLlyyJLOgG_2K5iRXPjPWwolSUyVj69VqUNpL9mylrip7dWSwMO3MEJxSZXf92PlNLW98-ilw/s640/blogger-image--1102997531.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-39240970991155064802016-01-10T15:36:00.001-08:002016-01-10T15:36:35.625-08:00Getting Ready<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3p6bjmkAWPMb6gEwUxweWzs8vsK4ikS44z1W891Go1ePWr0yhueZgWyFGig3WzDrxjK59UDiuMh6TrjJr6NKMc66cFQ9h5twmPl9VZ7YYlS6t02Wsyhl3r8JPq4JY0qYO-Mnir6gsUbw/s640/blogger-image--1309881848.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3p6bjmkAWPMb6gEwUxweWzs8vsK4ikS44z1W891Go1ePWr0yhueZgWyFGig3WzDrxjK59UDiuMh6TrjJr6NKMc66cFQ9h5twmPl9VZ7YYlS6t02Wsyhl3r8JPq4JY0qYO-Mnir6gsUbw/s640/blogger-image--1309881848.jpg"></a><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I'm happy to say that I'm in a good place these days. It hasn't been easy, but with a lot of dedication to my self-care & sleep hygiene, my anxiety, depression and insomnia have been under control. Dare I say that I've felt "normal" and like my old self lately? Maybe that's not entirely true, losing Rosa & Robin has changed me. They made me a better person, and the old Cici is never coming back. I miss them so much, and think about them everyday. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I have been meditating daily with the Calm app. It's really great & I highly recommend it! I have also been coloring, making daily entries in my gratitude journal, praying, running, reading, and doing yoga. It's a lot of work to keep myself balanced, but it is worth it!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">My first week back at work was a success. Even with four doctor appointments scheduled, I was able to keep my stress level under control. I felt a little blue on Tuesday, but I managed to complete my tasks for the day. I went for a run after work and rang the bell at my church. I have no idea why the bell is there, but my husband and I have made it part of our Sunday ritual to ring it twice after mass. One ring for Rosa, and one ring for Robin. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Now about those doctor appointments: my rheumatologist gave me clearance to do my FET cycle. The prednisone did a good job of getting my blood work back in line. She said that now that the Sjögren's and (possible) lupus are well controlled, it's a good time to get pregnant. Fingers firmly crossed!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">We had our preconception consultation with our new MFM. It was a very emotionally draining appointment. I cried through more than half our time with the doctor. It was so upsetting to hear his explanation of Rosa's fetal demise. We were grateful that he took the time to explain it to us, and now have a better understanding of why she died. But, oh my aching heart, it's just so hard to dig up all those painful and helpless feelings again. The doctor said that her demise was entirely fetal and not maternal... In one way, it gives me hope that I will be able to carry a healthy pregnancy in the future, and relief that my body didn't attack or harm my daughter. But in another, it just makes me so, so sad that Rosa was so sick. It doesn't compute in my head anytime I try to apply logic. She was so pure and innocent. How could her body have been so flawed? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">The doctor said that Rosa's condition was genetic, although it was something that isn't screened for in standard testing. Her placental analysis doesn't show any genetic abnormalities, and if we had done an amniocentesis or CVS, they both would have come back normal. Apparently, there is a test we can do for our embryos, but it's considered "experimental" and not covered by insurance. We could never afford to do it, so we're going to have to hope and pray that our four embryos are ok. The doctor said without anymore information, he can't give us a reoccurrence rate other than anywhere from 1:10,000 to 1:4. Just the thought of going through another pregnancy like Rosa's.... I can't think about it too long. It's too scary. This is the part where I remind myself that doctors are not God. I will continue to pray on it and have faith that God will see us through. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday, and it was rather uneventful. My doctor called me today to check on me & to see if we're ready to proceed with our cycle. We are just waiting for results to come back from my endometrial biopsy and embryo testing, then we are ready to go. She wants me to go in on Tuesday for a saline sonogram to look at my arcuate uterus one more time just to be certain that the septum isn't going to cause any problems. I appreciate how thorough she is being with us. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">That's pretty much it for now! I'm still on the pill (blech!) and just getting all our little ducks in a row. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-44135596553518367002015-12-27T11:44:00.000-08:002015-12-27T11:44:08.642-08:00Forward MarchIt's time for a little update :) Things have been up and down around here lately. Every time I drop down to a low note, I say a little prayer to be saved by Jesus. He never fails me! Nonetheless, it's a daily struggle walking the path I have been given.<br />
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Insomnia continues to be an issue for me. I didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve, and last night I had a restless sleep. Every little distraction had me looking at the clock just to see that time was crawling by. I drifted in and out of a light sleep in between. I have been grinding my teeth at night and wake up with tension headaches. I had a dream last night that I went to lunch with a childhood friend of mine. She is pregnant, and in the dream she started to tell the table about a complication with the pregnancy. I instantly started sobbing as I jumped to conclusions fearing the worst for her and her baby. She reassured me that it was nothing like that, but it just showed me that my subconscious is still working on this fear of mine.<br />
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It is very difficult for me to be around friends and loved ones who are pregnant. A small, small part of it is the sting of jealousy, but mostly it is the consuming fear that their baby isn't healthy. I know that once their babies are born and I can see that s/he is healthy, I'll be fine. But pregnancy strikes on a nerve for me and is a painful reminder of a weakness in my faith. It is an aspect of the "seeing is believing" that I have a hard time putting aside. It worries me for the future as I think about the possibility of becoming pregnant again myself.<br />
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I try not to get too far ahead of myself and play the "what if" game. Thinking about all the possible outcomes... it's overwhelming. And yet there is a part of me that believes that I will be able to joyfully go through a pregnancy if I should be blessed with one again. One thing is for sure: we will celebrate EVERYTHING if we have the chance again! Pregnancy announcements, gender reveal, baby shower, we will embrace it all. The next day isn't promised, so you have to live in the moment and love what you've got. And we will! One of my biggest regrets is that we canceled Rosa's baby shower... sadly, she was stillborn the exact day we planned her baby shower. I look back now and wish that we had rescheduled it to earlier in the pregnancy. It breaks me up knowing that we didn't celebrate her in that way. She deserved it, and we failed to give that to her. I don't know how, but I'll find a way to make it up to her.<br />
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In other news, John & I had been going back and forth on testing our frozen embryos. It's expensive ($5K!) and we're not sure how the future will go. If we do not have a take home baby amongst our four ninja squirrels, then we're going to look into adoption in 2017. Should we save the $5,000 to put towards a potential adoption? Ugh. It's so hard to know which way to go! John wanted to save the money and was also afraid about the risk to the embryos in the thawing and refreezing process. I wanted to test the embryos because I think it's worth every penny to have that peace of mind if we do have a subsequent pregnancy. A few weeks ago, John said that he was willing to do the testing even though he didn't want to. I was hung up on him agreeing with me, so we "slept on it" for the next few weeks (I am laughing because of the irony of him snoring while I lay awake with insomnia!). After a beautiful Christmas Eve mass, I was able to pray on it and then had a beautiful moment of clarity. It was like Jesus was born into my heart to answer my prayer: TEST THE EMBRYOS! I don't need John to agree with me. If he agreed with me, then it would be easy. But the fact that he doesn't agree, and is still willing to put his fears aside to make me happy is the ultimate sign of his love. We decided on Christmas morning that we will indeed have our embryos tested. We are going to dedicate 2016 to seeing these four embryos through. We are 100% committed to them and invested in them.<br />
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I have a few appointments coming up that are important: we <i>finally </i>got on the schedule for a preconception visit with our new MFM. That's on January 6th. The next day, I have my hysteroscopy. All I want for Christmas is health & happiness for myself and my babies. So here's to a healthy uterus and four healthy embryos! And Rosa & Robin smiling down from heaven as they wait for us!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs_iEfg0L4SvczsT-rDrqTFy_m0kB00a22eOq_M6vsZECKNUtr16KwLm3LggRJXliTT0xloC2b9rNwrxEWzDemSvKDviCnK7drNmUoa_owixVZH2YzxYMyAEOwOyRPkE5Rnyn1Kvv5sFQ/s1600/Forward-march-2.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs_iEfg0L4SvczsT-rDrqTFy_m0kB00a22eOq_M6vsZECKNUtr16KwLm3LggRJXliTT0xloC2b9rNwrxEWzDemSvKDviCnK7drNmUoa_owixVZH2YzxYMyAEOwOyRPkE5Rnyn1Kvv5sFQ/s320/Forward-march-2.jpg" width="320" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-44322159872138232092015-12-08T08:18:00.004-08:002015-12-08T08:18:54.236-08:00"The Plan"It's been a while since I've been on here with any regularity... life has been beyond description. Anxiety, depression, confusion, happiness, joy, hopefulness, hopelessness... the emotional palate has been comprehensive and rich with depth and intensity. It is difficult to keep up with it all, so I have been staying off the interwebs in an effort to salvage my sanity :) I feel like I'm in a good spot, so here I am with a little status update!<br />
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<u>Physical Health</u><br />
At my last rheumatologist appointment, the doctor kept using the word "lupus." Here's where a lot of confusion has always set in: the doctors have always said that I don't have it, but that they're keeping me on their radar. Well, my head started spinning, and finally I interjected and said, "Do I have lupus?" The doctor explained that my C3 is low which could possibly be the Sjogren's, but she suspects that it is lupus activity :( She said that I am flaring right now, so I am on a course of prednisone. Hopefully, that will help to clear things up. Since then, I have been taking into account all the symptoms I've been feeling... muscle pain, muscle stiffness, joint pain, fatigue, brain fog... It is scary to think about where this could be heading, so I've been redirecting those thoughts so they don't get away from me.<br />
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<u>Emotional Wellbeing</u><br />
Things have been tricky in this department. All of my scars from the past.... infertility and loss have really taken a toll on me. Add on top of it that we're still dealing with infertility along with autoimmune diseases... it's a lot to manage. I feel like I'm in a good spot at the moment. I've been working really hard to untangle the mess and to try to find some form of balance in my life. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up :)<br />
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<u>"The Plan"</u><br />
I am on CD15/1dpo on our last natural cycle before we get going again. We tried our best with the hopes of a spontaneous conception, but we are keeping our hopes in check with reality. Let the record show that we are open to the miracle if that should be the way we are to go :) But at the same time, we have a plan for our next FET, and that gives me a lot of hope. That is my anchor right now. Here's the rough timeline of "the plan."<br />
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<li>12/19 - CD1, call my nurse</li>
<li>12/21 - CD3, blood work to establish baseline, start BCPs</li>
<li>12/29 - hysteroscopy, cross fingers that this is simple and smooth!</li>
<li>1/22 - come off BCPs, start FET cycle</li>
<li>2/12 - meet one of our ninja squirrels :)</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqs1au37M7YrrXEYyitedYMaASX_pzrrwsPf0bu0Qj4qgAeNVhHjq-t4DBIuIXDErm6dStkLx2S8sfWYik21qhcECuQ2DLxI6hTDX5uzb1HRvoJZC9w99X-0VXfjyCFMbDnWKlz3k2Nt0/s1600/1896946_10152235189624727_98275955_n.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqs1au37M7YrrXEYyitedYMaASX_pzrrwsPf0bu0Qj4qgAeNVhHjq-t4DBIuIXDErm6dStkLx2S8sfWYik21qhcECuQ2DLxI6hTDX5uzb1HRvoJZC9w99X-0VXfjyCFMbDnWKlz3k2Nt0/s320/1896946_10152235189624727_98275955_n.jpg" width="213" /></a><br />
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I'm sending lots of love & light out there for anyone who is reading this! Take care of yourselves!!<br />
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Xoxo<br />
CiciUnknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-66141603288452601142015-09-17T12:40:00.001-07:002015-09-17T12:40:34.092-07:00Letting GoI realized something very important this week. My heart is broken. That much is obvious and expected after everything I've been through. But I realized that life as I had dreamed it is not what it is. I had been fighting so hard to make it into what I thought it should be.... I've only been hurting myself and the ones I love by resisting so hard. <div><br></div><div>Life as we know it is not the way I dreamed it. And I realized this week that it's okay. I am okay. </div><div><br></div><div>I am done planning ahead (within reason of course!! I do have a job to keep after all!!). It is one thing to plan for the weekend or a big race (coming up soon in November!! Yay!!). But to plan on things that I have no control over? Silly Cici. That's not your job to do. </div><div><br></div><div>What will I do instead? I'm going to love the life I'm living instead of lamenting the one I wished I were living. </div><div><br></div><div>I admit, it is hard to let go. I can actually feel a little tug on my heart as I type this. But I know what is best for me. </div><div><br></div><div>I had a moment today. I was looking at a picture of those tiny little toes... They are so perfect and loved. And then the words and tears started spilling out of me...</div><div><br></div><div>Dear, sweet baby, I love you so much, really I do. But I love myself too, and right now what you're doing to me is not good for me. I have to let you go. And I don't want to let you go, but if I'm going to save myself and live a happy life, then I have to. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you. I never will stop loving you. But it's time I started loving myself first. I know you want me to be happy. I know if I let go that you're still with me. I will set you free and by doing that, I will set myself free. I love you more than you will ever know. Until we meet again, sweet child, fare thee well. </div><div><br></div><div>Love always and forever, </div><div>Your mama </div><div>Xoxo</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-85869098597137356132015-08-31T15:35:00.001-07:002015-08-31T15:35:58.902-07:00New SeedsThis little diaper bag caught my eye this afternoon. <div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH9nscl_8e5sjhnSfYEt6HBin9UNsI4hWeIsrWw2p7OrMzVhHXIDVu4SxJJtI6whm-7nk3rKeBUk6A9vGagcahkc3Ews3v962TJLhrGWp8qQ7vYfWy5hay7G8fc0QmgYXDvypiCirHdjI/s640/blogger-image--1139313947.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH9nscl_8e5sjhnSfYEt6HBin9UNsI4hWeIsrWw2p7OrMzVhHXIDVu4SxJJtI6whm-7nk3rKeBUk6A9vGagcahkc3Ews3v962TJLhrGWp8qQ7vYfWy5hay7G8fc0QmgYXDvypiCirHdjI/s640/blogger-image--1139313947.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>I bought it when I was about 14 weeks pregnant with Rosa... How I wish I could put all of her stuff in it, strap it to my back, bundle up little Rosa and put her in her carrier on my front, and show her the world. Sigh. That is a dream that will have to wait until heaven to come true. </div><div><br></div><div>Next, I looked over at the shelf to the left. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWnaMQ9kPmA1pviA2B_exKHsD7A9SODfipXZwRLM5JbmFcvRzpineYHp2phSLKjGl8HuiI9d3NFzRgooX5HN7P-q9cfUP2aYdNmIyJ7V-UKB5797gTXbrnVAbMFejcCJDD8rjAterEo4o/s640/blogger-image-135955347.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWnaMQ9kPmA1pviA2B_exKHsD7A9SODfipXZwRLM5JbmFcvRzpineYHp2phSLKjGl8HuiI9d3NFzRgooX5HN7P-q9cfUP2aYdNmIyJ7V-UKB5797gTXbrnVAbMFejcCJDD8rjAterEo4o/s640/blogger-image-135955347.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>I took in the sight of all the precious items on the shelves. The photograph of my grandparents on their wedding day, Rosa & Robin's transfer day picture, Frostie Ninja's memory box, all the full bins of medical supplies and medications... And then I noticed the three purple flower pots in the basket on the middle shelf. With the best of intentions, I planted some basil, parsley and cilantro seeds last fall. I did better than I expected, but as Rosa's health declined so did my attention to my little seedlings. </div><div><br></div><div>It was sad seeing my dried up dreams along side the cracked soil. I took the basket outside and cleaned out the old dirt. I put fresh soil in each of the pots. Then I planted new seeds... Wildflowers. I do not know if they'll take root, but there is only one way to find out: you have to try. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9uj2R5-vN2IiRKvkBMzEQbaq7sYfOGxsoWI4bDC3dzbT9QtomkICInyDoN2QCQaeDwHMIXIv3Yc9XlaRQalngGpLlSoEnPtGQBQF4vfN0IitPWw8Zzbca6cSMmFKk0ZeaBP9vl6KOB00/s640/blogger-image-256631692.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9uj2R5-vN2IiRKvkBMzEQbaq7sYfOGxsoWI4bDC3dzbT9QtomkICInyDoN2QCQaeDwHMIXIv3Yc9XlaRQalngGpLlSoEnPtGQBQF4vfN0IitPWw8Zzbca6cSMmFKk0ZeaBP9vl6KOB00/s640/blogger-image-256631692.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>As I took in the sight of my small act upon the shelf, I felt proud and hopeful. When I stepped back, I realized just how meaningful this little task of mine was... It symbolized more than I can type out here in this moment... </div><div><br></div><div>So I'll leave it to your imagination to decode it. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm thinking....</div><div><br></div><div>Rosa & Robin, mommy thinks of you every second of every day. I love you more than you'll ever know. Keep each other company until I'm there in heaven at last to hold you and kiss you. </div><div><br></div><div>Frostie Ninja, come back to me... I miss you and love you. I don't think our time is over just yet. I believe there is more for us to do here before we can go be with your brother and sister in heaven. </div><div><br></div><div>My four little seedlings waiting for us, I love you so much and we still have yet to meet. We are doing everything we can to give you the best shot at life. I pray everyday that you are healthy and that you'll take root in my womb and in our lives when the time is right. </div><div><br></div><div>Love always, </div><div>Mommy </div><div>Xoxo</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-8813693758748071292015-08-23T07:14:00.001-07:002015-08-23T07:14:53.754-07:00Frostie Ninja 💜<div>AW: We opened the envelope 😊 Results are at the bottom. Scroll down if you can't wait!!</div><div><br></div><div>In February 2014, we did our final egg retrieval with my eggs. That cycle produced the one and only blastocyst from all of my cycles. We participated in the SUMMIT study at RMA, so our precious Frostie Ninja was CCS tested. We found out that s/he was chromosomally normal a few weeks later and began prepping for our transfer immediately. During the nine weeks from ER to beta, I fell in love with my baby more than I had ever imagined possible. I "visited" him/her every day by doing my meditations in my clinic's parking lot, playing music from my car stereo, sending so much love to him/her. Our hearts broke on April 22, 2014 when we got the dreaded call from my nurse: beta was zero. I was not pregnant. </div><div><br></div><div>At the time, we decided not to find out the sex of the baby even though the information was available to us on our CCS report. We had hoped to be surprised on Frostie Ninja's birthday, and with that dream shattered we thought it would be too painful to find out. </div><div><br></div><div>Over a year later, so much has happened, but my love for Frostie Ninja endures. Losing Rosa & Robin has only made me miss Frostie even more. We went through quite a drama to find out the sex of Rosa Kimberly. We feel in our hearts that Robin Kay is a boy, but we will have to wait until we get to heaven to find out for sure. Frostie Ninja was a mystery until this week when we decided to open the envelope. </div><div><br></div><div>Throughout my time with Frostie, I imagined the perfect blend of my DNA with John's. Frostie would have my bouncy curls, artistic streak, and athleticism. S/he would have John's twinkly eyes, irresistible dimply smile, and sense of adventure and wonder. Boy or girl, either would be a miracle to us and welcomed into our hearts and lives. When we had to say goodbye, I wrote a letter to Frostie. I envisioned him/her as a little girl in this image. </div><div><br></div><div>Over the past few weeks, I have been getting signs that Frostie was a boy. Blue and yellow butterflies literally surrounded me, one even landing on my shadow's heart during a hike at the very moment I was talking about him/her with my best friend on the trails. </div><div><br></div><div>Two weeks ago, my nurse at RMA looked up the results from Frostie's CCS testing and put them in an envelope. This past Monday, John & I felt ready and opened it at the cemetery with Rosa. It was a quiet moment of excitement. When I saw the single word through the trifold paper, I couldn't help but to smile. I gasped and John and I embraced in a long hug. I felt and still feel so happy knowing ❤️</div><div><br></div><div>I love you, Frostie Ninja. I pray for you to come back to me every day. Until you do, I hope you have found your brother and sister in heaven. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTM5zlIV7qXXC4sahP1NX1N7s5PyqpEQA9HIw4Vt3I4ykp7DuW29ezWMQqMgRuH29bvlwLC-hp4bIg5p9Z47Rx5bTNNiXmW1ELO4X65msedfwpqSGNJPsSvsXgrHDHJmY_2-rWS7diFNs/s640/blogger-image--153917316.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTM5zlIV7qXXC4sahP1NX1N7s5PyqpEQA9HIw4Vt3I4ykp7DuW29ezWMQqMgRuH29bvlwLC-hp4bIg5p9Z47Rx5bTNNiXmW1ELO4X65msedfwpqSGNJPsSvsXgrHDHJmY_2-rWS7diFNs/s640/blogger-image--153917316.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Frostie Ninja is male 😍</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-36745829613719578792015-08-06T11:23:00.002-07:002015-08-06T11:23:16.253-07:00Consult #3Today we met with Dr. S, a new-to-us RE within our current practice (our former clinics merged back in April). It was a good move on our part to get a fresh set of eyes on our case. She really seemed to take an interest, and was genuine when expressing her condolences for our recent loss.<br />
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I liked her a lot. She listened to everything we had to say, answered our questions honestly and professionally, and overall had an excellent bedside manner. She offered to reach out to the other doctors on our team, including my rheumatologist and the MFM doctor from CHOP. When I mentioned that the genetic counselor from CHOP would be willing to consult regarding our frozen embryos, she was very pleased to hear that and said absolutely they would work together. I really that she is willing to go out of her way to help us. We are a bit complicated and puzzling, so we really need doctors who are willing to work together and think outside the box.<br />
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We reviewed our history and past protocols. As I expected, she was open to all of the medications I was on with the exception of the high dose of Prednisone and the use of IVIG. All the other medications and supplements were fine by her.<br />
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She recommends a diagnostic hysteroscopy prior to a transfer and testing our embryos. The hysteroscopy is a no-brainer. Testing the embryos to me is too, but John is afraid about the risk of losing viable embryos in the thaw and refreeze... Dr. S said that the survival rate at their lab is 97% for the first thaw, and then the second thaw would go down to 95%. She said that usually the embryos that don't survive are not good quality... our embryos are of very good quality. But still, I can see John's hesitation because someone has to be the unlucky 5%. We have proven to be the unlucky percentage almost every time in the past... is it worth it to take any unnecessary risks? I don't know if I could proceed with a pregnancy knowing that the embryo had not been tested... That's something we'll have to think about before making a decision.<br />
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Dr. S recommends waiting at least six months postpartum before transferring another embryo. She said given our history, we could transfer two embryos if we wanted, however she'd feel more comfortable with a single embryo transfer. We agree... as much as I have always dreamed of being a twin mama, it is not worth the risk to our precious babies. Besides, I already <i>am </i>a twin mama... Rosa & Robin made it so <3<br />
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I asked if she had any recommendations for my diet & lifestyle. She referred me to the nutritionist, so we'll schedule a consultation. She said that running is not a problem for a future cycle nor a potential pregnancy. I like that very much. VERY MUCH. I can't begin to tell you how important it is to have the option to go for a run through all of this... I need to feel like myself in order to keep my head on my shoulders.<br />
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I asked her when my period should return. I'm still not sure if the bleeding I had 5 weeks postpartum was my period, and even still, it has been 32 days since that bleeding. She said that right about now is when I should be getting my period again, and then said she'd do an ultrasound and blood work to see where I'm at in my cycle right now.<br />
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The physical exam showed that I have high blood pressure (what the what?! 138/82... so out of the norm for me). I gave blood and urine samples for testing. My weight has gone up 5 lbs (which to this marathon runner is a win! I know it's the muscle mass that I've gained over the past several weeks of training). The ultrasound showed possible calcification in my uterine lining. And, get this, my lining measured 9.8mm and was Type III. NEVER in all of my documented cycles has my lining been that thick. I know it doesn't bear any significance, but I am kinda proud of that. My ovaries are doing their typical thing. Righty had 6-8 follicles measuring under 10mm and a 22mm cyst, Lefty had 4 follicles measuring under 10mm. The cyst might mean that I ovulated. We're waiting for blood results to see what's what. Depending on my blood work, I will probably be prescribed Provera to induce a period. Then I'll go in for another baseline on CD3 to see what's going on with my uterus.<br />
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The final question we asked was to look up the sex of Frostie Ninja. We had him/her CCS tested after IVF #3. S/he was normal, but we didn't want to know the sex at that time. Now, I think we're ready to find out. Though, I have to say, I am a little nervous to know. I have a gut feeling, but what if I'm wrong? I have been operating under the assumption that Robin was a boy. We won't know until we get to heaven... if I was wrong about Frostie, then it'll make me wonder if I am wrong about Robin too. I hope I am right!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-84605637896990013762015-08-01T21:14:00.001-07:002015-08-01T21:14:00.999-07:00RawI scream until my voice is raw. The tears in my eyes don't flow anymore. I guess I cried them all out. Either that, or the Sjögren's is mocking me with my chronic dry eyes. <div><br></div><div>There is no way to describe this pain. I am exposed, and there is no shelter. I begged God to take me today. The hurt in my heart is unbearable. He did not answer my prayer. Like so many prayers before, this one went unanswered. </div><div><br></div><div>Just when I think I have healed a little bit, something happens to rip away the scab. My wound is raw again, gushing. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3kuRuYyRxA9G7d9qvNGBn6pLUeBGvaMGLiYlujSENDhSU8ZjmSpcjhhEd0zf3C0JWk8AJmkGs1zEDiMZg8B68aQIKEiTa-rcrSXS3vFsxt6_VKLmPUtTHJ13sR-EHrRqV58HZxOHN4_8/s640/blogger-image-2132139045.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3kuRuYyRxA9G7d9qvNGBn6pLUeBGvaMGLiYlujSENDhSU8ZjmSpcjhhEd0zf3C0JWk8AJmkGs1zEDiMZg8B68aQIKEiTa-rcrSXS3vFsxt6_VKLmPUtTHJ13sR-EHrRqV58HZxOHN4_8/s640/blogger-image-2132139045.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Rosa's EDD is on Tuesday. I am unraveling because of this. Not that I had it together to begin with. I miss her. And I miss Robin. I miss my babies. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-87028380759533136262015-07-15T05:53:00.001-07:002015-07-15T05:53:28.456-07:00Missing My Babies<div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">37 weeks. I would have been 37 weeks pregnant this week. I should have my twins in my arms at this very moment. I am so sad that I lost it all. How cruel to take a baby from a mother in any way, shape or form. I feel like my babies were taken in a way that was meant to hurt and torture me as much as possible. Slowly and methodically, fate kept the losses coming. Just as I would come close to accepting one horrible truth, the ground would drop out from under me yet again. I miss Robin... I hate that day in December when Dr. J said he couldn't find the second heartbeat. And Rosa.... Rosa, Rosa, Rosa... I miss her so much. Watching her make my belly dance, those were the best times. I would wonder if she had a treadmill in there with her. She moved so much! Then to stand by and feel so helpless as things went so wrong... I hate that no one could do anything to save her. Why couldn't we save her? Why couldn't I save her? </span></div><div><br></div><div>I miss my babies. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-69067036026381776872015-07-04T07:12:00.001-07:002015-07-04T07:12:30.481-07:00Running on the BoardwalkI'm out for a run on the boardwalk right now. The breeze is glorious. The sounds of the ocean are like music to my ears. My body falls naturally in rhythm with my old, familiar stride. My muscles ache from the previous workouts, but that only fuels the motivational fire within. Sounds delightful, doesn't it?<div><br></div><div>My thoughts, however, betray me. I see running mothers and fathers pushing their babies in jogging strollers. I see families out for a bike ride with patriotic streamers trailing from their handle bars. I see people smiling and laughing as they enjoy the beautiful day. They all hurt my heart. Not because they are happy and have what I want, but because I am sad and don't have what I want. </div><div><br></div><div>These are all reminders that <i>I shouldn't be here right now</i>. I should be in the hospital. By Rosa's bedside. Watching her fight for her life. Watching her win. </div><div><br></div><div>My friends and family were so concerned about me spending time at family events over the past five weeks. Jack's first birthday party, Emily's baptism, visiting Mel with Liam bouncing along in his exersaucer. "Are you sure you want to go? Isn't that going to be too hard?" I insisted that I would be fine. And I was. Admittedly, there were moments that stung. I couldn't stay in the room when they sang <i>Happy Birthday</i> to Jack. I thought about Rosa while I held Emily, and wished that the two cousins could grow up together. I had to cut my visit short when I reached my threshold for baby talk towards adorable Liam. But I knew I wanted to be there for each of those moments. Infertility already robbed me of so many moments like this. Chances to see my friends and family as the beautiful mothers they are. I won't let that happen again. </div><div><br></div><div>Even these strangers at the shore... I think it is beautiful the way they are enjoying their time together with their families. I just wish I weren't here to see it. I wish I were with my growing family, even if it meant being in a hospital for a year and watching Rosa go through the fight of her life. I wish she pulled through...</div><div><br></div><div>But she didn't. She is in heaven instead. And I am here wishing I could go to her. Someday, I know, I know. But today hurts like hell. And as another mother running with her baby in her BOB jogger passes me, I think to myself, <i>"Do you know how lucky you are??" </i>I hope she does. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-91741510008399531592015-07-03T11:13:00.001-07:002015-07-03T11:13:46.265-07:00In the Clouds<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgslWI26SXIvAzKxVEkEeItisxaUsofWAJ33ff_KTJ4rpsU2Dn7BITzdwibLzoRgvxgPDqgI_n9xRVGhceMhT4g4vG6Qkau2yDBK0FzkFEcPWm00ehc34_a7CD16vMuhm2EZCzwSMEgjrA/s640/blogger-image--1303689437.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgslWI26SXIvAzKxVEkEeItisxaUsofWAJ33ff_KTJ4rpsU2Dn7BITzdwibLzoRgvxgPDqgI_n9xRVGhceMhT4g4vG6Qkau2yDBK0FzkFEcPWm00ehc34_a7CD16vMuhm2EZCzwSMEgjrA/s640/blogger-image--1303689437.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">John & I are down the shore for the weekend. I woke up completely miserable, and feeling so heavy and sad. I miss my baby. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I went for a walk to work out some of my emotions. I was out there for over three hours just wandering around. There were roses everywhere! I walked to the other side of the bay, through two towns, through a park, and on two boardwalks. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">While I was at the park, I spent some time on the swings. I haven't been on a swing in years. When I was a kid, I would swing for ever and ever. I just loved it. As I was swinging, I was thinking about Rosa. Maybe if I swung high enough, I could reach my feet out towards heaven and get closer to my babies. It made me feel better to try. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">While I was swinging, I looked at the clouds and saw a huge, fluffy cloud. It had three heart shaped holes in it... I instantly thought of Rosa, Robin & Frostie Ninja. I think they were there, saying hi to their mama <3</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I love you, babies <3 </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1416037195093007720.post-52656662167009223092015-07-02T06:22:00.001-07:002015-07-02T07:05:09.827-07:00Postpartum OB AppointmentI was so concerned that I hadn't been angry at all since losing Rosa. With all of my losses over the past few years, I had always kicked off my grieving cycle with a healthy dose of anger before settling into sadness, despair and depression. This time, I skipped right over anger and thought it was odd. Well, I found my rage yesterday. All it took was a few pokes from the universe to remind me of how utterly infertile I am.<br />
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Poke #1: John & I are members of a group that has been selected to perform at a convention in December. The application process is rigorous and acceptance into the convention is a huge deal. Yesterday was the deadline for committing to the event. It involves traveling with the group for four days before the holidays out of town and a $2000 financial commitment. The only thing I could think of was "how will this impact our cycling plans?" <b>I <i>cannot believe</i> that after almost four years of trying to conceive that we are <i>still </i>thinking like this!!!</b></div>
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Poke #2: I was nervous about my postpartum OB appointment yesterday for lots of reasons. I knew it would be hard and painful, and I was looking forward to having it behind me. Just get it over with. I walked into the waiting room and the first thought through my head was, "this is the first time I've ever been in this office and not been pregnant." I miss Rosa so, so much. </div>
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Poke #3: I was relieved to see that there were no pregnant ladies or babies in the waiting room when I arrived. I thought I dodged a bullet... until I heard a tiny little voice in the back. A pregnant lady and her toddler walked through the back door and plopped down in the waiting room. Will it ever be my turn to have a child that I don't have to give back? </div>
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Poke #4: I tried to distract myself from the pregnant lady and her child by watching the TV in the waiting room. The Real was on, and they were doing a pajama party segment. Cute, right? Well, it was until their playful game of truth or dare. One of the personalities was dared to call her husband on the show and tell him she was pregnant. She wasn't pregnant, but how fun would that be to play a little prank?! To say the least, I was not amused. </div>
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Poke #5: I was sort of holding it together until the receptionist called me up to the desk. She handed me a clipboard with a postpartum depression questionnaire.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIFqkma5eYTeK53oBESf8yynsiR1Ja7lPheuLgcbGQ_s6Suxss29gjOVEwASN3VxSjI9d0ZTTQFuWegiHpyeqnswg5Lmk1FMo3O8gtdpIfusOaLY1Cy2YteLXyGSm9TU9Q6XXIBuh_w9Y/s1600/IMG_6678.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIFqkma5eYTeK53oBESf8yynsiR1Ja7lPheuLgcbGQ_s6Suxss29gjOVEwASN3VxSjI9d0ZTTQFuWegiHpyeqnswg5Lmk1FMo3O8gtdpIfusOaLY1Cy2YteLXyGSm9TU9Q6XXIBuh_w9Y/s320/IMG_6678.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
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You've gotta be <b>effing kidding me!!!</b> How exactly am I expected to respond to this bullshit?? I was <b>so angry </b>to have to look at this piece of paper. I wanted to tear it up, crumple it, stomp on it, spit on it, burn it, <i>destroy it. </i>I refused to answer the questions and told my doctor that it was not appropriate. I suggested that they have a modified questionnaire for situations like mine. I mean, for crying out loud, when 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth, I can't be the first or last to have this happen in their office. Get your shit together, assholes!!<br />
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The Details of the Appointment: I finally thought that this was enough, and asked the receptionist if there was an empty exam room where I could wait. They were actually about to call me back, thank god. The nurse asked if I wanted to go on the scale. I was actually curious to see my weight, so I jumped on. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Slightly under because I have no muscle mass. She took my blood pressure and it was normal. Then I was given instructions to disrobe and put the gown on. The doctor came in shortly after. She was sympathetic about our loss and everything we had been through. She asked a lot of questions of me, and answered all of my questions. She was apologetic about the questionnaire and that I wasn't immediately seated in the exam room. I passed the physical exam and was given clearance for running (thank god!!), swimming, and intercourse. All exercise restrictions have been lifted. </div>
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Poke #6: We discussed our future family building options. Dr. C doesn't think we need to wait six months to try again like Dr. Ntoso had recommended. Dr. C recommends waiting two cycles at minimum. There was talk about testing our embryos, hoping the placenta results were informative, and then considering adoption. Depending on the pathology report, she advised us to be open minded to the possibility of a gestational carrier. These are both <i>amazing</i> opportunities and paths to parenthood, but.... <b>ouch. </b>I have always had them on the back of my mind, but never invested much thought because I want to believe that our embryos can do this. That my uterus can do this. It is extremely painful to be at the point where we are facing another significant loss. At the end of the day, I just want a healthy baby. But it would be a great loss for me to give up the chance of carrying my child. </div>
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Poke, poke, poke... I was <b>full of rage </b>by the time I left. Infertility sucks!!!! I hate this so, very much!!! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-zn9x1_IjeQ3ZcfDtiF-JhUN7CQ9AY_PMG-bEpAyBcHILm0bzi2RHvfVTClE74gaaaWaylCxYIX6H3wyPTfRkR80t98t8b91eQ6JFTX4DQVjt0W6bz-G9218fpFvaWxWC0BWvjYhmmOE/s1600/IMG_6660.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-zn9x1_IjeQ3ZcfDtiF-JhUN7CQ9AY_PMG-bEpAyBcHILm0bzi2RHvfVTClE74gaaaWaylCxYIX6H3wyPTfRkR80t98t8b91eQ6JFTX4DQVjt0W6bz-G9218fpFvaWxWC0BWvjYhmmOE/s320/IMG_6660.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So I bought these plates at the local goodwill store. </div>
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And John & I blew off some steam by smashing the shit out of them. It felt amazing to unleash on those unwitting, ugly plates. Assholes!!!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEispH8B7tUlfePRfjhZejVK0FdRtq3jby9cLVA4gonl1cmJy8d_rbbHky4qpW3RJeQrXWgTRQJUwVWz-o8ww1efErCLch0V6qWHzblWO-c-rWYePhE3jX3vns_43PamYpoOMU0KDzwuET8/s1600/IMG_6676.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEispH8B7tUlfePRfjhZejVK0FdRtq3jby9cLVA4gonl1cmJy8d_rbbHky4qpW3RJeQrXWgTRQJUwVWz-o8ww1efErCLch0V6qWHzblWO-c-rWYePhE3jX3vns_43PamYpoOMU0KDzwuET8/s320/IMG_6676.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I also pounded the pavement and went for my first run back. It felt incredible! I cannot describe how good it was for me. I could think again! I felt centered and like <i>me</i> for the first time in months. </div>
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