Sunday, June 21, 2015

Maternal Instincts

I feel an intense need to cradle and rock a baby right now. My arms actually ache along with my heart right now. I am yearning for a baby. 

Mocha let me cradle and hold her for a bit. It felt nice. Then she had enough, so I'm currently rocking in the glider with the stuffed puppy we had made for Rosa. It has her heartbeat inside. I've been sleeping with the stuffed puppy ever since we got home from the hospital. 

I have been reading the book given to us by the hospital, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. It has mentioned that all of the above may happen. Along with the feeling that you may be going crazy. When I first read it, I thought no way. Now, I see what the author means. 

I can't believe that this is even a thought in my mind, but I find myself wondering when we can try again. I want a baby in the worst way. I worry that we may not be able to get pregnant again. We had so much trouble getting pregnant in the first place. What if Rosa and Robin were our only chance? 

Dr. Ntoso recommended that we wait at least six months before getting pregnant again. I wonder why... Is that to allow for emotional healing? How much of that is for physical healing? I have wanted a baby in my arms for years now. I feel like it's my only chance of being truly happy... A piece of me is missing. I cannot get the piece back that is with Rosa in the cemetery. My heart is with her and always will be. But I hope and believe that a new life growing will help that piece of my heart to grow back. It'll never be the same. But I just see it as being my only way of repairing. 

Maybe it is too much to pin all of my hopes for happiness on another being that isn't necessarily ever going to exist. But I feel like it is meant to be. I am meant to be an earthly mother. And until that happens, I am incomplete. 

I am just rambling... It feels good to get it out and shed the thoughts like this. No editing, no filter. Even still, the lump in my throat is still present. Just like it has been for the past three weeks. I wonder if it'll ever go away. I wonder if the emptiness in my heart will ever fill in. 

I love you, Rosa & Robin. I hope you are safely waiting for me up in heaven. I think about you all the time. Not a second goes by when you're not in my thoughts and heart. I love you more than you will ever know. 


  1. The hole in your heart won't always feel so cavernous. A piece if it will always live with Rosa and Robin but you won't always feel that acute pain (or complete emptiness). It is impossible to picture that now I know. I am sending you hugs.
    You once asked me how I was able to write about our experience when it feels like there are just no words -- you are doing it my friend. Your words are both heartbreaking and beautiful and I think it is so important to get it out. It was when I held it all in that I would start to feel crazy. Share it here, share it with Hey Jude, with John, with me and Jen, on a private blog... just get it out.
    Love to you.

  2. I am sending many ((hugs)) and so much love <3

  3. Among the many things I pray for, I've been praying for you not to lose your resolve. I'm so thankful to see that it is still there.

    Side note: Last summer, I got mixed up with an oversized squash that had perfect baby shape and weight. I kept cradling it. DH took it away...I think he was starting to worry about me. Anyhow, you are all types of normal!