I knew when I was getting ready for work this morning. I decided to take a HPT so I could take Advil guilt free. While I was in the shower, I felt so much anger. Then by the time I got in the car to drive to work, it melted all away to sorrow. I felt an ugly cry coming on and called Melly. She talked to me and helped calm me down. I had to pull myself together so I could go teach. It was really hard to carry on like normal. And I didn't really do a good job of it, but what other choice did I have?
A big reason why I can't shake this feeling is because I have not a single shred of confidence in IUI#3. I am sad, mad, confused and frustrated. I don't want to spend the next 25 days going through the motions again knowing that a BFN is certain. I feel so defeated. Why, if everything looks so perfect on paper, isn't this working? I want to cry all over again.
I started a new cross stitch project. When I saw the pattern, I nearly cried at the store. I love the monotony of counted cross stitch. It clears my mind much like going on a run. Needle in, needle out. Repeat. In the end, I will have something beautiful to show for it. And I can really use the reminder to "dream, hope, wish, and believe."