Sunday, August 23, 2015

Frostie Ninja 💜

AW: We opened the envelope 😊 Results are at the bottom. Scroll down if you can't wait!!

In February 2014, we did our final egg retrieval with my eggs. That cycle produced the one and only blastocyst from all of my cycles. We participated in the SUMMIT study at RMA, so our precious Frostie Ninja was CCS tested. We found out that s/he was chromosomally normal a few weeks later and began prepping for our transfer immediately. During the nine weeks from ER to beta, I fell in love with my baby more than I had ever imagined possible. I "visited" him/her every day by doing my meditations in my clinic's parking lot, playing music from my car stereo, sending so much love to him/her. Our hearts broke on April 22, 2014 when we got the dreaded call from my nurse: beta was zero. I was not pregnant. 

At the time, we decided not to find out the sex of the baby even though the information was available to us on our CCS report. We had hoped to be surprised on Frostie Ninja's birthday, and with that dream shattered we thought it would be too painful to find out. 

Over a year later, so much has happened, but my love for Frostie Ninja endures. Losing Rosa & Robin has only made me miss Frostie even more. We went through quite a drama to find out the sex of Rosa Kimberly. We feel in our hearts that Robin Kay is a boy, but we will have to wait until we get to heaven to find out for sure. Frostie Ninja was a mystery until this week when we decided to open the envelope. 

Throughout my time with Frostie, I imagined the perfect blend of my DNA with John's. Frostie would have my bouncy curls, artistic streak, and athleticism. S/he would have John's twinkly eyes, irresistible dimply smile, and sense of adventure and wonder. Boy or girl, either would be a miracle to us and welcomed into our hearts and lives. When we had to say goodbye, I wrote a letter to Frostie. I envisioned him/her as a little girl in this image. 

Over the past few weeks, I have been getting signs that Frostie was a boy. Blue and yellow butterflies literally surrounded me, one even landing on my shadow's heart during a hike at the very moment I was talking about him/her with my best friend on the trails. 

Two weeks ago, my nurse at RMA looked up the results from Frostie's CCS testing and put them in an envelope. This past Monday, John & I felt ready and opened it at the cemetery with Rosa. It was a quiet moment of excitement. When I saw the single word through the trifold paper, I couldn't help but to smile. I gasped and John and I embraced in a long hug. I felt and still feel so happy knowing ❤️

I love you, Frostie Ninja. I pray for you to come back to me every day. Until you do, I hope you have found your brother and sister in heaven. 

Frostie Ninja is male 😍


  1. Beautifully written! Frostie Ninja is with his brother and sister. <3

    1. Yes, he is <3 I pray he comes back to me someday soon.