Friday, May 13, 2016

Monitoring #1

The estrogen is really wearing me down this time around. Not to mention all the triggers in every direction I turn. This morning's ultrasound was in the same room we ran to during our Week 6 Bleeding Scare with Rosa & Robin. I can't seem to make it through an hour without tearing up. It's been tough, but I'm doing my best to hang in there.

My lining is slowly and steadily coming along. It measured at 6.3mm Type II today. My ovaries are being a bit obnoxious, albeit harmless, with a 22mm hemorrhagic cyst on my right and 33 follicles less than 10mm. That many follicles is ironic for a lady with a DOR diagnosis.

My estrogen is at 128, progesterone 0.3, I return on Wednesday for more monitoring, and increase the estradiol to 2mg three times a day.

The anxiety is pretty elevated. I was a little rattled waiting for my nurse to call... by 3:00pm I started thinking my doctor would call me to tell me that I was getting canceled. That's just the paranoia thanks to my history talking. My nurse called at 4:00pm, and said everything looks great. I don't feel great.

I also realized that if things go along as we're hoping, then I will be PUPO on Rosa's birthday. I can't possibly describe the flood of emotions that comes along with that realization. I think about it, and my eyes well up (which is, again, ironic for a lady with a Sjögren's diagnosis).

I am obsessed with P!NK's song Beam Me Up and have been playing it on my guitar. It always makes me feel better to sing to my girl, even if it gets broken up with tears. I just miss her. I really hope that she's looking out for her siblings.

I really hope that now is the time to make her a big sister.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


Here we go again! My baseline appointment was on Monday, CD3, and went very well. Hormones were low, ovaries were quiet & lining was thin. Let's do this!!

I wish I could just let the enthusiasm and excitement take over, but there is anxiety and fear mixed in there too. I'm on 2mg oral estradiol twice a day... That is definitely cranking up the anxiety. Today, I noticed a bit more than usual hair loss. Am I just being paranoid? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage the cycle before it even gets started? Or am I being proactive? I called my nurse to ask for my thyroid blood work to be added to the order at Friday's monitoring appointment. Better to check and be safe. 

I miss my baby girl. I just miss her so much. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

What are you wishing for?

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. I made an announcement during church to spread awareness, and to ask the congregation to keep all bereaved mothers in their thoughts and prayers. Father Bruce thanked me after mass and asked me to continue advocating. 

We went to the cemetery like we always do after mass. It was gloomy and raining, as I spoke a few words to my baby girl & her twin. They made me a mother. I held them in my womb, and gave birth to my darling Rosa 11 months ago. I will never forget the time we spent together and the bonds we formed in those short months. 

There was a lone wish flower to the left of Rosa & Robin's plot. I asked them, "What are you wishing for?" In my heart, they responded, "I'm wishing for you. For my brother. For my sister." I have faith that they are looking down on us all from heaven. They are guarding us and protecting us.