New Seeds

This little diaper bag caught my eye this afternoon. 

I bought it when I was about 14 weeks pregnant with Rosa... How I wish I could put all of her stuff in it, strap it to my back, bundle up little Rosa and put her in her carrier on my front, and show her the world. Sigh. That is a dream that will have to wait until heaven to come true. 

Next, I looked over at the shelf to the left. 

I took in the sight of all the precious items on the shelves. The photograph of my grandparents on their wedding day, Rosa & Robin's transfer day picture, Frostie Ninja's memory box, all the full bins of medical supplies and medications... And then I noticed the three purple flower pots in the basket on the middle shelf. With the best of intentions, I planted some basil, parsley and cilantro seeds last fall. I did better than I expected, but as Rosa's health declined so did my attention to my little seedlings. 

It was sad seeing my dried up dreams along side the cracked soil. I took the basket outside and cleaned out the old dirt. I put fresh soil in each of the pots. Then I planted new seeds... Wildflowers. I do not know if they'll take root, but there is only one way to find out: you have to try. 

As I took in the sight of my small act upon the shelf, I felt proud and hopeful. When I stepped back, I realized just how meaningful this little task of mine was... It symbolized more than I can type out here in this moment... 

So I'll leave it to your imagination to decode it. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm thinking....

Rosa & Robin, mommy thinks of you every second of every day. I love you more than you'll ever know. Keep each other company until I'm there in heaven at last to hold you and kiss you. 

Frostie Ninja, come back to me... I miss you and love you. I don't think our time is over just yet. I believe there is more for us to do here before we can go be with your brother and sister in heaven. 

My four little seedlings waiting for us, I love you so much and we still have yet to meet. We are doing everything we can to give you the best shot at life. I pray everyday that you are healthy and that you'll take root in my womb and in our lives when the time is right. 

Love always, 

Mommy 

Xoxo