Thursday, September 17, 2015

Letting Go

I realized something very important this week. My heart is broken. That much is obvious and expected after everything I've been through. But I realized that life as I had dreamed it is not what it is. I had been fighting so hard to make it into what I thought it should be.... I've only been hurting myself and the ones I love by resisting so hard. 

Life as we know it is not the way I dreamed it. And I realized this week that it's okay. I am okay. 

I am done planning ahead (within reason of course!! I do have a job to keep after all!!). It is one thing to plan for the weekend or a big race (coming up soon in November!! Yay!!). But to plan on things that I have no control over? Silly Cici. That's not your job to do. 

What will I do instead? I'm going to love the life I'm living instead of lamenting the one I wished I were living. 

I admit, it is hard to let go. I can actually feel a little tug on my heart as I type this. But I know what is best for me. 

I had a moment today. I was looking at a picture of those tiny little toes... They are so perfect and loved. And then the words and tears started spilling out of me...

Dear, sweet baby, I love you so much, really I do. But I love myself too, and right now what you're doing to me is not good for me. I have to let you go. And I don't want to let you go, but if I'm going to save myself and live a happy life, then I have to. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you. I never will stop loving you. But it's time I started loving myself first. I know you want me to be happy. I know if I let go that you're still with me. I will set you free and by doing that, I will set myself free. I love you more than you will ever know. Until we meet again, sweet child, fare thee well. 

Love always and forever, 
Your mama