Saturday, January 23, 2016

Snow Day Tears

**possible tissue warning***

My husband & I were eating lunch and talking about the snow storm. We are snowed in, not a plow in sight, and it's still coming down hard. Good thing we have nowhere to be! We are enjoying a warm, cozy day inside relaxing, cooking, and coloring. The conversation was light and merry until he brought up the snow storm from March 5th... and then the flood gates opened up for both of us. 

March 5, 2015 was the beginning of the end for our dear, sweet Rosa. It goes down in my personal history book as one of the worst days of my life. It was two days before my birthday, the snow/rain storm caused flooding in my house, and we were first learning of Rosa's fatal diagnosis. 

All it took was one little mention of that storm to bring back all of the horrible memories that we've both been holding in... 

How I miss my darling Rosa & Robin. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Thaw, Biopsy, Refreeze

Our four little ninja squirrels were thawed, biopsied, and refrozen today. Dr. S said they did beautifully, and all four survived. Now we wait about two weeks for results. PRAYERS!!!!!!

Dr. S also said that she looked over my films from my hysteroscopy and saline sonograms. She and another doctor discussed my case and decided it would be best for me to have another hysteroscopy to have my septum resected. She said that she's being overly cautious and that there's a chance that they'll get in there and decide to leave it. Given our history, she is being extra thorough to make sure there are no stones left unturned. Fine by me! Make sure everything is perfect before we give it another go! 

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Getting Ready

I'm happy to say that I'm in a good place these days. It hasn't been easy, but with a lot of dedication to my self-care & sleep hygiene, my anxiety, depression and insomnia have been under control. Dare I say that I've felt "normal" and like my old self lately? Maybe that's not entirely true, losing Rosa & Robin has changed me. They made me a better person, and the old Cici is never coming back. I miss them so much, and think about them everyday. 

I have been meditating daily with the Calm app. It's really great & I highly recommend it! I have also been coloring, making daily entries in my gratitude journal, praying, running, reading, and doing yoga. It's a lot of work to keep myself balanced, but it is worth it!

My first week back at work was a success. Even with four doctor appointments scheduled, I was able to keep my stress level under control. I felt a little blue on Tuesday, but I managed to complete my tasks for the day. I went for a run after work and rang the bell at my church. I have no idea why the bell is there, but my husband and I have made it part of our Sunday ritual to ring it twice after mass. One ring for Rosa, and one ring for Robin. 

Now about those doctor appointments: my rheumatologist gave me clearance to do my FET cycle. The prednisone did a good job of getting my blood work back in line. She said that now that the Sjögren's and (possible) lupus are well controlled, it's a good time to get pregnant. Fingers firmly crossed!!

We had our preconception consultation with our new MFM. It was a very emotionally draining appointment. I cried through more than half our time with the doctor. It was so upsetting to hear his explanation of Rosa's fetal demise. We were grateful that he took the time to explain it to us, and now have a better understanding of why she died. But, oh my aching heart, it's just so hard to dig up all those painful and helpless feelings again. The doctor said that her demise was entirely fetal and not maternal... In one way, it gives me hope that I will be able to carry a healthy pregnancy in the future, and relief that my body didn't attack or harm my daughter. But in another, it just makes me so, so sad that Rosa was so sick. It doesn't compute in my head anytime I try to apply logic. She was so pure and innocent. How could her body have been so flawed? 

The doctor said that Rosa's condition was genetic, although it was something that isn't screened for in standard testing. Her placental analysis doesn't show any genetic abnormalities, and if we had done an amniocentesis or CVS, they both would have come back normal. Apparently, there is a test we can do for our embryos, but it's considered "experimental" and not covered by insurance. We could never afford to do it, so we're going to have to hope and pray that our four embryos are ok. The doctor said without anymore information, he can't give us a reoccurrence rate other than anywhere from 1:10,000 to 1:4. Just the thought of going through another pregnancy like Rosa's.... I can't think about it too long. It's too scary. This is the part where I remind myself that doctors are not God. I will continue to pray on it and have faith that God will see us through. 

I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday, and it was rather uneventful. My doctor called me today to check on me & to see if we're ready to proceed with our cycle. We are just waiting for results to come back from my endometrial biopsy and embryo testing, then we are ready to go. She wants me to go in on Tuesday for a saline sonogram to look at my arcuate uterus one more time just to be certain that the septum isn't going to cause any problems. I appreciate how thorough she is being with us. 

That's pretty much it for now! I'm still on the pill (blech!) and just getting all our little ducks in a row.