Life as we know it is not the way I dreamed it. And I realized this week that it's okay. I am okay.
I am done planning ahead (within reason of course!! I do have a job to keep after all!!). It is one thing to plan for the weekend or a big race (coming up soon in November!! Yay!!). But to plan on things that I have no control over? Silly Cici. That's not your job to do.
What will I do instead? I'm going to love the life I'm living instead of lamenting the one I wished I were living.
I admit, it is hard to let go. I can actually feel a little tug on my heart as I type this. But I know what is best for me.
I had a moment today. I was looking at a picture of those tiny little toes... They are so perfect and loved. And then the words and tears started spilling out of me...
Dear, sweet baby, I love you so much, really I do. But I love myself too, and right now what you're doing to me is not good for me. I have to let you go. And I don't want to let you go, but if I'm going to save myself and live a happy life, then I have to. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you. I never will stop loving you. But it's time I started loving myself first. I know you want me to be happy. I know if I let go that you're still with me. I will set you free and by doing that, I will set myself free. I love you more than you will ever know. Until we meet again, sweet child, fare thee well.
Love always and forever,