Why do I keep torturing myself?

I know it is over. This morning's BFN was no different from the others. Yet I am still planning to test again tomorrow morning before my beta. Why? I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

A fellow bumpie posted this link which I've seen a bunch of times: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer ...and then there goes the hope again. What is the matter with me? A FRER would have picked up on it by now. I know this.

What I want to know is when will I be cleared to go running again? I'm going insane over here. I freaking sneezed this morning and had a jolting muscle spasm in my diaphragm. My core is really that weak that I can't sneeze without hurting myself? I'm sick of feeling like my body is weak. It is starting to convince my mind of the same thing.

Part of me wants to say, screw it, and lace up for a run. But the other part of me knows better. If I can't sneeze without feeling it in my ovaries, then it's probably not a good idea to go bouncing along.

This is torture. I just want it to be Tuesday afternoon already so I can get my call with the results from my beta. I need to hear the concrete news so I can stop torturing myself and just move on.