Sunday, August 4, 2013

True & Good

My subconscious keeps leading me to think about what makes a true and good friend. According to Facebook, I have over 400 friends. But for a long time, I've felt so isolated on Facebook. Every time I would sign onto my newsfeed, it wrecked my day. So I made some changes, hid quite a few people, and did what I had to do to reclaim my newsfeed. Of course, that came along with an unhealthy dose of guilt. I love my friends, but what it came down to was that I need to guard my emotions. I shake off the guilt by reminding myself that when I become pregnant, I'll see them all again. And for now, I can stalk the walls of the people who really matter to me on the days when I'm feeling extra strong.

In real life, I have an extremely short list of true and good friends. I love them all and would do anything for them. I am lucky to have my husband in the number one spot. And my two adorable doggies <3

It hurts my heart to know that my journey through IF has compromised some of my most dear friendships. When I think of it, I feel angry. And sad. And abandoned. But then I try to remind myself that it's no one's fault. It is simply a matter that I've gone down a path and cannot be followed. I hope and pray that when this is over that a few of the important relationships to me can be repaired. But I don't know... and the thought makes me cry.

I feel extraordinarily lucky to have joined a community of Dreamers. I haven't met most of them in real life, but they are there for me on a daily basis. I don't know what I would do without this group. I'm looking forward to meeting two Dreamers in at the CMR in September and another at the RW Half in October. And I can't wait to see the Local Dreamers at our Melting Pot gathering in just a few weeks.

I'm going to shake off this thought right here and right now. Because I can see that if I keep following this stream of consciousness, that I'll ruin a perfectly good day. So, deep breath, dark chocolate, and now it's time to resume painting my kitchen :)

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