Me and my ridiculous gut feelings. Ha. I hate that I've been right about every single one of them over the past few years.
August is here and it's the month of my laparoscopy & hysteroscopy cycle. This is the first time in a year and a half that I'm not obsessing over when I'll ovulate. Because of my surgery, we cannot TTC, so we are forced to take a break this cycle. It has been wonderful so far. Exactly what I've needed.
My surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday. That means that it's just four days away. I am doing everything I can to keep my nerves at bay. If I think about the actual procedure, the anesthesia, the IV, the breathing tube, then I freak out. So I stop myself as soon as I catch my mind wandering, and replace the thoughts with something more productive and positive. For example, I focus on the results or distract myself with running or my home improvement projects.
I wonder what my doctor will find in there? I've been (lovingly) referring to my uterus as my "busted uterus" ever since my first ultrasound in January. I really, truly think my uterus is the root of the problem. I will be absolutely flabbergasted if my RE doesn't find endometriosis. It's not that I'm wishing myself ill... I just have a gut feeling, ya know?
Regardless, we will know very soon. Hopefully this will give us all the answers we need to proceed with confidence and finally bring us those two little pink lines. My hopes are so high for September, even without knowing what our protocol will be. I wonder if it'll be injects + IUI or if we'll get fast tracked to IVF. We shall see.
The distractions that I have been keeping busy with are doing a great job during the day. But once the night comes, that's when I can't overcome the chatter in my mind. I haven't been sleeping very well. I guess I'm more nervous about this surgery than I'm letting on. Big breath. I know I can do this. I am a fighter. I have run ten marathons, and crossed countless finish lines where the odds were stacked against me. I am no stranger to perseverance and determination. I am stronger than I think!!!
Yeesh, the things I say and do to get through this journey. It's insane. Five years from now, I'm going to look back on this whole mess and say, "What a nightmare!" But I know it'll all be ok because my babies are coming soon. I have a gut feeling.