Monday, August 5, 2013

Crazy Fog

Anyone else feel like they're constantly walking around in a fog of crazy? No? Just me?

I'm getting so tired of the emotional roller coaster that goes along with IF. I wonder if it'll ever even out. If I'll ever be able to get off this ride. It's bumpy and makes me sick. I did not sign up for this!

I'm on a break cycle, but I guess there's no such thing as a break from infertility. It's a diagnosis and experience that will scar you for life. I wonder if I'll ever be "the same" after the hard part eventually blows over.

But maybe the whole purpose of this journey is that you're not supposed to go back to being the same person you were before. My marriage will never be what it was prior to all of this madness. But I've never felt so connected and in sync with my husband as I do now. The truth is, this journey does make us stronger.

Every ache and pain of IF is like a stab to the heart. It stings, it shatters, it breaks you. But then you start to heal. A scab forms and new tissue grows back. You toughen up, and you come back stronger. Until the next time when IF takes you lower than you thought was even possible... but the lower you go... the stronger you come back. It has to work like that. I must believe that's the way it goes. There's no other way to persevere through this unless the above is true.

What do you think? What is the purpose of this journey? I believe everything happens for a reason and there's a lesson in everything if you slow down enough to take it in... I can't wrap my head around it quite yet, but one day... this will all make sense.


  1. Hello love. I am totally in a fog lately and I cannot WAIT the sun breaks through. I guess we will just have to believe that it WILL break through one of these times...

    As for the purpose of this journey?? I saw a quote once that said "Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives." Maybe that's the purpose. My marriage is also stronger because of this journey and that is a good thing.

    T&P for you my dear!

  2. Thinking of you today my friend! Sending you good juju!

  3. I think you hit the nail on the head - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And we can be stronger than we ever thought we could be, when that's the only option. You are strong and tough and that's all going to help you through the surgery today and your recovery. Thinking about you and sending lots of good thoughts your way!

  4. Hi,

    I ended up on your blog through link from a post you put up on arcuate uterus. After seeing that your lap & hyst are scheduled for today, thought I just had to comment.

    I had same op done in June and have recovered well. My RE said my arcuate uterus is a "variation of normal" and is just a little dip(and has a blood supply).

    Before I had the op I thought the worst but things seem to be not nearly as bad as I imagined!

    RE found endo that was only spots and removed them too.

    I am first time on clomid 50mg now just took my last tab for this month. cycle 2 since op- here's hoping.

    I want to wish you the best of luck and I hope that we both soon have our BFPs and successful pregnancies. Babydust to you!

    1. Glad you stopped in on my blog :) thank you for sharing your experience! I'll be making a full update tomorrow, but the short version is:

      I'm doing a lot better now that the nausea has gone down. I'm in & out of sleep, making trips to use the bathroom & drink some water. My throat is sore from the breathing tube, and my abdomen & ute are sore from the procedures. But I'll survive!!

      I'm looking forward to seeing my doctor soon to go over my results. From what he told John, I only had a small spot of endo... Whaaaaa?? That news really surprises me. But he was able to resect at least a good portion if not all of my septum. I'm curious to see pictures. But if all of this means that I now have a comfy, cozy uterus for a baby to nestle in, then the surgery was worth it 110%.