Friday, August 30, 2013

Finding the Center

I woke up this morning and couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. Luckily, I didn't have to being this is the last week of summer vacation. So I laid in bed wallowing in self pity. John took responsibility for the dogs, and I texted with my Local Dreamers through our Facebook Chat. I love those ladies so much.

Finally, I made the decision that I didn't want to feel down in the dumps like that for the rest of the day. It was time to get up and put myself together. So I got out of bed, made some breakfast, and made a journal entry to my fabulous pen pal.

My journal entry to my awesome pen pal, Say1009 :)

It was so therapeutic to write out the events of yesterday in the old fashioned way with pen and paper. I only skimmed the surface with yesterday's blog post (Well Shit.) so I was able to go a little deeper with the entry. My emotions are so complicated and jumbled up... it always takes me so long to sift through and figure out what I'm feeling inside.

After my journal entry, I did an hour of Fertility Yoga. Let me tell you... this DVD is amazing. It may not actually "increase blood flow to the reproductive organs thereby increasing fertility" but it does clear my mind and help me get centered. I feel like the stress and sadness has been lifted outside of my body. It is still there; but now it's hanging over my head rather than festering within my body, mind and soul.

I felt so good yesterday when John & I made our Plan B decision. I felt like it was final, and maybe I could rest easier (and sleep at night) knowing that we have a good plan. But that was before we got the call from the doctor to cancel IUI#4. I wonder if we're jumping the gun going to IVF so soon. But at the same time, I feel like all signs are and have been pointing us in this direction all along. 

I don't know how much longer my fragile spirit can endure failure... I firmly believe that we will have a baby. But when? Will I break before then? When it finally happens, will I have lost myself so much that I won't come back? I like the person I was before all of this started... going back to our horrible house hunting "adventure" in March 2011... 

Listing our condo; finally getting a realistic offer in October 2011; bidding on a house and getting to a week before closing before it fell through in January 2012; deciding to go forward with the sale of our condo and frantically moving into an apartment while we house hunted all over again; days turning into weeks into months with nothing out there; looking at over 100 houses and only finding disappointment; bidding on two houses where we couldn't make a deal because the sellers were going through a bitter divorce and couldn't agree on accepting our offer; finally finding our house in April 2012 and making a deal; feeling like at any moment we would get a call telling us it had fallen through; holding our breath while going through the motions again of attorney review and inspections; finding out one week before our closing date that there was a problem that would delay the process; finally getting the keys to our house on June 18, 2012. 

Selling and buying a home was stressful and horrible and rolled right into this even more stressful and horrible journey with TTC. I feel like I haven't been myself since January 2012 when the shit hit the fan and our deal fell through. Those were some dark days... with a little ray of sunshine when we finally bought our house in June 2012... which was quickly dissolved back into darkness in October 2012 when I realized that we had been off the pill for over a year and actively TTC for half a year without any success.

Do you think after you get through such a long and deep personal crisis that you could ever be the same again? And more importantly, do you think it'll be possible to be happy, positive, and hopeful again? 


  1. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so conflicted and down. I DO think that you/we can be happy, positive, and hopeful again some day. I'm not sure if we'll ever be the same, but I really want to believe that we'll be even better. Hugs for you <3

  2. I'm sorry :( I'm not sure we can be the same, how do you go back to before you knew and felt all of this? But I do firmly believe that you can get back to being happy and hopeful again. I think every experience, especially the negative ones, shape the person you become. I think the things you have had to overcome and face have made you into a stronger, more compassionate, more aware, more grateful person. The path may get dark and scary, but I think if you keep moving forward, you can get back to the light. I sincerely believe this. Let's hope I'm right...
    <3 you girl, sending loads of virtual hugs your way!