As you may know from reading my blog, I've been having an internal struggle with the upcoming NYC Marathon. In 2012, I spent the whole year earning a spot into the race through their 9+1 program (run nine NYRR races, volunteer at one). Back in May, I registered for the spot because I didn't want to lose it, and over the course of the past several months it has become an enormous source of stress.
I do not believe that I can adequately prepare to run a marathon on November 3, 2013 while dealing with infertility at the same time. I've already overtrained and injured my ankles because I've been trying to force long runs back into my routine after a three month hiatus. With ten weeks to go until race day, I must throw in the towel. I want to cry because I feel like I'm giving up.
I have two options at this point. 1) I can defer the spot to 2014. I will not get a refund for this year's race fee ($227) and I will have to pay again next year to keep my spot. 2) I can give my bib to a friend and be done with it. NYRR does not do bib transfers, so I'd have to do this under the table.
Option 1 makes me uneasy because what if I'm pregnant or newly postpartum at the time of the 2014 race? Also, it makes me mad about wasting money. Option 2 also makes me uneasy because I'm a rule follower... I don't like being shady. No matter what way you look at it, I'm in a lose-lose situation.
In the end, I have decided that I am not running the 2013 New York City Marathon. I have a friend who is willing to take my bib, and she said she'd even be willing to take it at the last minute. If I'm pregnant by November, then I will defer the spot and use the 2014 marathon as my comeback race. If I'm not pregnant by the November, then I will give my bib to my friend and cheer her on from the sidelines. At least the spot will go to good use.
This decision breaks my heart and liberates my spirit at the same time. I am not a quitter. I do not give up. And I am NOT quitting. I am NOT giving up. I will run more marathons than I can count when I finally make it to the other side of the rainbow. It will be challenging to keep up my training while being a mother, but I will persevere. Infertility does not win. Infertility sucks and I hate it, but infertility is a loser.