I am trying so hard to put on my happy face... I am doing a pretty terrible job of it. I looked a wreck all weekend because we had nowhere to be. The snow storm caused us to cancel all our plans. So no makeup, shower, or hair styling resulted in a very rough looking Cici. Fortunately, my husband loves me and didn't say a word about how hideous I surely looked (though this morning when I woke up, my hair looked like a mad scientist all frizzy and puffy. I joked that this was how I would wear my hair to work, and we both laughed. It was absolutely ridiculous!).
I'm trying my best to move on with my life and just get through the work day. I went to the restroom and looked in the mirror... even with a fresh shower, hair styled, and makeup on my face, I still look so, so sad. My resting face looks like I've been crying nonstop (which I have been crying a lot). Sigh.
It is so difficult to be this devastated and miserable when everyone around me is buzzing with holiday cheer. I ordinarily love the holidays, and this year I find myself wishing they'd just be over already.
I canceled my annual gingerbread house party because literally one person could attend. I thought about just having fun decorating gingerbread houses with just me and Cath, but the timing was bad. I scheduled it for Friday the 13th thinking I'd be halfway through my 2ww... needing a distraction... In reality, we had our WTF appointment that day. I was not in the holiday spirit after hearing about how my eggs suck. Besides, as much as I love spending time with Cath, I just couldn't deal with it on that particular day. She was in the loop with our first IVF cycle and I learned the hard way that it was a mistake to tell her. She is sincere, but nosey, and doesn't know how to take a hint. I told her very directly that I didn't want to discuss my fertility issues with her anymore back in October. She has still broached the subject a few times after that (asked me if I was ok when I clearly wasn't... I lied and told her things were fine). I knew that there was no chance of putting a happy face on after my WTF, so I canceled.
Christmas shopping? Yeah, I haven't even started. Ordinarily this level of procrastination would cause me to have a mental breakdown, but I'm so sad about our TTC efforts... I don't have any energy left to stress out about gifts. To tell the truth, we don't have many people to shop for... just our parents and the family kids. I don't know how I'm going to get through shopping for the six children on our list... two being babies. I think I'll drag Johnny along with me. I want to get them all a nice gift (I love them so, so much) but I know I can't brave those stores alone.