Wednesday, December 18, 2013


People ask me throughout my day, "How're you doing?" I've never been a big fan of small talk or just shooting the breeze, but lately... it's been pissing me off. I know they are trying to be polite, and fill any awkward silences with conversation. But I'm getting sick of the stock replies: "I'm good. How are things with you?" and "Hanging in there. Can't wait until break." I am lying through my teeth, I feel like such a fraud.

Sometimes I want to scream out the truth, "I'm miserable! I'm infertile and even with the most aggressive forms of medical intervention, I'm still not pregnant after 21 months of actively trying. My heart has been broken so many times in the past several months that I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible to glue it back together. Other than that, things are swell. How are you and your ninety billion kids??" Yeah.... only in my dreams would I ever respond that way.

Speaking of dreams, I had my first ever pregnancy dream last night. It was a very strange dream. John and I were at the hospital for some reason (maybe to visit a friend?) and we spontaneously decided to get an ultrasound. And guess what... the nurse found a baby in there, heart beating away. We left to go find our friends and were talking about it in the elevator. I asked John, "Do you remember what the heart rate was?" And he replied, "I don't know... was there a heartbeat yet?" We giggled and reveled at the thought that we were pregnant.

Then I woke up. UGH. No fair, no fair, no fair. I want to go back to my dream.

Have you ever had the thought that maybe all of this is just a very, very bad dream? This can't be real, this isn't actually happening. Soon, I'm going to wake up and say, "Oh, thank God, it was just a dream!" Sigh. Wishful thinking.

On a more technical note, I finished two out of three new patient packets. The second one was an epic novel. Gees, it's a lot of paper. Then I called my favorite nurse to straighten out the meds order for our upcoming IUI cycle. I'm praying for a miracle. Yup, still praying for a miracle. Who knows... I'm sure stranger things have happened.

Now it's just a waiting game for AF to make her inevitable appearance. I really wish she'd get on with it so we can put this whole terrible cycle behind us. The daily cramping is getting old. I have been cramping literally every day since my ER. Thanks a lot for the painful reminder that my ovaries fucking suck. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!


  1. I feel the same way sometimes. It feels crazy that the world keeps on spinning even through the long road that is IF. How does everyone not notice we're slowing fading away inside?

    I hope your period shows so you can start moving forward.

  2. I had one last night too. I woke up absolutely devastated. HUGE ((hugs)) Cici. I'm so sorry this is happening to you