Monday, September 30, 2013

Being Present in the Present

When I got home from work today, I went about my usual routine. I was sitting out on the porch while the dogs did their business in the yard. It was such a beautiful afternoon, so we lingered in the moment for a while and enjoyed the sunshine.

My mind started to wander, and before I knew it, I was day dreaming. I was thinking of the future, the days ahead when I finally have my babies in my arms.

I can see it so clearly. I'll come home from work and pick up the kids. We'll all go out for the dogs' walk, have a little snack, get in the jogger and go for a run, make dinner, and do some chores around the house. It is such a beautiful thing... I cannot wait for these days. I know they are coming. And just the thought makes me so happy that there are tears in my eyes.

This whole thing has changed me. I sit here and think back to the Cici of Yesterday and wonder where she went. I was so happy, motivated, and focused. Nothing bothered me and I never seemed to run out of energy. I truly felt invincible. There was nothing I couldn't do.

This is not a way to live, always thinking of the future. I used to be so good at living in "the now." I can hardly find a second where I'm happy with the way things are right now. This is just so hard, I want it to pass quickly. I don't want these days to linger. I want time to just get on. But at the same time, I don't want to wish away the days of my life.

I'm told and I recognize that these feelings are natural. I used to be really scared that after I finally get through this, that I'll never be the same carefree-happy-go-lucky-Cici. But the moment on the porch today reassured me that I will be happy again. I don't think there are anymore carefree days ahead for me... those are long gone when you step fully into adulthood. Being a grown up is so much responsibility... sometimes it is really overwhelming.

But I see what's ahead, and I like it. I see my family in this amazing house. Spending our days laughing in the sunshine and dancing in the rain (I love running in the rain, no joke!). I just can't wait for my day dreams to become simply my days.

On the more technical side of things, I had blood work this morning to see how things were going with my cycle. I waited all day for the RE's office to call me back with further instructions. I was thinking about how I was going to ask for my E2 levels, and isn't it funny the way that the doctor only calls when there's bad news (like my canceled cycle), and when the news is ordinary it is usually a nurse who makes the call. Well, my phone rang at 3:30 this afternoon and I was completely caught off guard that it was the doctor. Fortunately, there were no surprises, and my instructions are very simple (continue with the same dosage tonight and tomorrow, blood work & ultrasound on Wednesday). But I forgot to ask about my E2 levels!!! Augh!! Oh well, I'm sure they're fine. I'll find out on Wednesday when I go in for monitoring. In the meantime, I'm going to get ready for shot #3. Is it completely messed up that I'm actually looking forward to jabbing myself with a needle?! ;)

1 comment:

  1. I cannot read this and not smile. Your babies will be so lucky to have you for a mom, I can't wait for your day dreams to become your reality. I so hope this cycle will be the start of that. xoxo