Monday, June 10, 2013

Count Down to Nothing

21 weeks until the NYC Marathon. I am registered for this race. I paid $227 for the registration fee alone. Over the course of the past year, I have paid hundreds of dollars just to get a guaranteed spot with the 9+1 program. And yet, here I am hoping, praying, wishing that I have to defer my spot to next year (which would cost me an additional $227 when I register for the spot in 2014)....

Verrazano Bridge during the NYC Marathon
Under normal circumstances, I'd be thrilled to have a marathon that is only 21 weeks away. Oh, the thought of a good long run is puts a smile on my face! I wish I had 21 weeks of training to look forward to. But as much as I want to train for and run in a marathon in this moment, I want to be pregnant with my baby more.

So instead of getting excited that there are 21 weeks until the NYC Marathon, I am filled with fear... what if the IUI's don't work? If this cycle results in a BFN, then we will definitely try again with IUI #3. But if that doesn't work... what then?

Part of me is saying, "Cici, stop it. One step at a time, don't get ahead of yourself." But the other part of me can't help it... I need to plan.

I wonder if I should start the conversation with DH. I've been thinking that if we get through IUI #3 without a BFP, then perhaps we should take a treatment break. It would be August by that point. I'd have about 10 weeks to train for NYC and then we could get started with the next cycle after the race is over.

I'm reluctant to bring it up to John because I'm afraid he's not going to like the idea. We put off TTC for years because I wanted to run marathon after marathon. He was ready to start years ago, but I kept buying time and saying, "Just one more marathon." Then I finally had my marathon fill (or so I thought) after my DNF at the Lehigh Valley Marathon, and said let's give it a go! 21 months later, still no baby :(

IF sucks. Its reach is far and wide, and not a single aspect of my life is safe from its pain. Including and especially the happiness that I get from marathon training. So, there you have it. 21 weeks until the NYC Marathon. 21 weeks to count down to an uncertain future.


  1. I'm so sorry dear. The uncertainty of IF sucks SO much. I am hoping so hard that this IUI will be it for you. ((hugs))

  2. I hope this IUI is successful for you!! The uncertainty of IF sucks so much. ((HUGS!!)) Hang in there! Oh! and I ran a mile this morning and after I was done I literally thought "Cici can do 36x this!" Pretty impressive lady!!

  3. Thanks ladies :) I really appreciate your support. As much as I hate that we are trapped on this wild roller coaster ride, I do feel better knowing that there's a community of supportive people out there. I am forever grateful for the amazing 3T ladies, including you both!!

    Sarah, you go girl! I hope you enjoyed your run :) ...and now I'm off to TB to stalk the boards and see if there are any updates, lol. I was thinking of you this morning! I hope you have several name-worthy follies :)