Ugh, that is a hard pill to swallow for a total control freak. I get it, Universe. You've been trying to teach me this for years now. There are certain things in life that you just can't control, and if you're wise you'll accept that and move on.
Everything in my life always came so easily as a kid. I set goals for myself, and not only would I achieve the goal, but I'd knock it out of the park. I am the definition of an over-achiever (I know I sound like a lot of fun to be around... control freak AND over achiever, lol). I guess I should just count myself lucky that I had a good stretch of years where things just went my way. But more than anything it all just set me up for the false pretense that if I worked hard enough at something then of course it was going to work out the way I had planned. Sigh.
I don't mean to sound completely hopeless over here. Quite the contrary. I really just think that I went through my early years completely naive to the fact that life is hard. You don't get to plan out every little detail. A friend recently told me, "If you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans." I think if anything I'm just finally starting to understand that you just have to go with the flow. It will work out the way it's supposed to in the end. After all, "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."
I guess I'm just cranky because I was hoping that this TTC cycle I would feel a little more in control. It is our first medicated cycle, and I couldn't be happier that I don't have to POAS every day, I don't have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to take my BTT, I don't have to obsess over my stupid chart. I thought going into this, "I won't have to worry about guessing when O will be. The doctors will tell me." Which they will... but I guess I just thought that even if I wasn't in control of my own body, at least the doctor would be able to definitively interpret what was going on to give us a reasonable chance... and they will make their best guess, but at the end of the day, a lot of this is simply a mystery. Even our diagnosis is a mystery. Unexplained infertility. Gee, thanks for clearing that up.
What I wasn't counting on was that my head is still going to run interference and play stupid mind games. I should have known better. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take a sip of wine. Maybe a taste of chocolate. Go for a good run. Anything to just shut my brain off!!
Intellectually, I know what I must do. The thing that is worrying me at the moment... it'll be ok. The nagging feeling I have in my gut... just ssshhhhhh!! Trust the doctor. He says CD12 is ok for mid-cycle monitoring. I hope he is right and I am wrong. I just can't help but worry that my body will hijack this perfectly laid plan and O before my appointment. Intellectually, I know that I must let these thoughts go. They are no good for me. And even if I'm right... who cares?! It's going to happen. I will be a mom. Soon. I guess I just want it now (actually I wanted it yesterday... IF really sucks).
Anyway, I'm just gonna keep swimmin' over here. It's out of my control. And I guess that's ok. Humph.