...but it keeps getting thrown in my face.
Today was my nephew's birthday party. Leading up to the party, I was so excited to see everyone. I'd get to see my niece; I was looking forward to snuggling her sweet little face and kissing her chunky cheeks. I was also really looking forward to seeing the rest of the family and just hanging out and having a good time.
I was doing fine... I was having a great time... I was even managing to have sincere happy thoughts for my pregnant SIL. I was a bit surprised by the sheer volume of kids running around and screaming, but after all, it was a 4th birthday party. Could I really expect that such an event wouldn't have a billion kids running around? Of course not.
Then the Buck family walked in and I noticed it right away. The baby bump. It was at that size where if you weren't told she was pregnant, you wouldn't dare go up and ask when the baby was due for fear that your assumption might be wrong. But I knew she was pregnant with #2 as soon as I saw it. I hadn't seen an announcement on Facebook, but then again, I haven't been keeping up with Facebook very much lately. And my DH didn't mention it to me... though it's not unlike him to let those types of things slip his mind.
I felt a sting when she confirmed it during our conversation. But I put on a happy face, smiled and said, "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you." I even tried to mean it. Eventually I do mean it once I've had the chance to absorb yet another pregnancy announcement. But standing there in the moment without a chance to step away and hash it out... it's hard. Nonetheless, I remained graceful about the situation on the outside and no one knew that I was struggling except for me.
Later on, I was passing through the kitchen where my SIL was conversing at the table with some of her guests. I wasn't paying attention to the conversation, but my ears perked up just in time to hear her complain about her pregnancy. In all honesty, what she said wasn't even that bad. I'm just way too sensitive about the topic for obvious reasons. But the comment that "she's not going to do that because she's pregnant" put a knot in my stomach.
When it came time to say goodbye and go home, I couldn't wait to just get out of there. Thank goodness DH picked up on the vibes I was sending him when I told him I was ready to leave. Usually it takes us a long time to leave a place... I just wasn't in the mood for all of the drawn out goodbyes.
Why do I feel this way? Every single time I get blindsided by another pregnancy announcement it is exactly the same string of emotions. Shock (from the blindsiding). Sadness (that I am not pregnant too). Anger (that I wasn't next... again). Guilt (for feeling bitter). Denial (that I am in fact dealing with infertility). Acceptance (that no one is taking a baby away from me. I will have my baby soon). Sadness (for being impatient and just wanting my baby right now). At this point, shouldn't I know how to deal with these emotions? Heaven knows I've had plenty of practice dealing with the situation. It seems like every other day the universe throws it in my face. Ugh.
I'm trying to nip it in the bud this time and get the emotions out without letting it wreck the rest of my day (and the next day too). Breathe in. Breathe out. Stop these destructive thoughts. I will not let myself get down. I will pull myself up. And focus on something positive.