Complicated

Why do things have to be so confusing and complicated? And painful? Infertility is so unfair... nothing is left untouched...

We are still absolutely THRILLED to have a blastocyst waiting for a FET. Assuming the CCS testing comes back normally, then we will actually have a fair shot at this. That in itself is a miracle. The entire month of December, when my head and heart were stuck in the darkness, this was something that I couldn't even imagine anymore. I am out-of-this-world happy to even have this chance at a biological child.

So why am I feeling so lost and confused? Because I'm thinking too far ahead... that's always what gets me into trouble.

*********WARNING: Sensitive and personal content below. Read at your own risk. And if you find yourself passing judgement, then just stop reading. Also, if you are an IRL friend lurking in, feel free to read, but please do not bring the topic up in conversation with me unless I bring it up first.*********

Here's the situation... we are trying to decide what to do with our next cycle. Our options:

1. If the CCS testing on our one ninja frosty comes back normally...
1. Do a frozen transfer and pray that ninja sticks!!!
2. Leave ninja frosty in the freezer for another cycle while we do our final IVF cycle. Hopefully we'd get another embryo who makes it to blastocyst so we can have more than one try or (I can't believe I'm even typing this) the chance for a sibling.
2. CCS testing on our one ninja frosty comes back abnormally
1. FET is canceled and we start researching other options (adoption, egg donors, embryo adoption, live CFNBC, child-free not by choice).

Ok, so let's get into the nitty gritty here and talk about each of these options. I'm being so optimistic about our frosty ninja, that I'm not even going to entertain option 2.1 right now (CCS results come back abnormally). We will find out in a few days, but for now I am so happy that we have a blastocyst, I can't spend time worrying that it's abnormal.

Option 1.1 (FET right away) is probably what we'll do. I can't wait to see if our frosty ninja will result in a baby!! Though, I have to say, the thought of the transfer not working... it makes me so sad. I hope the miracle isn't only that we got a frosty... I hope the miracle is that we'll get a baby.

Option 1.2 (put FET on hold while we do one more ER) is what I really want to do. I have a lot of reasons why. What are they? Funny you should ask ;)

• Get it over and done with: our insurance covers four ER cycles, and so far we have used three. Even if our frosty ninja works out, we'll end up using this fourth cycle at some point to try for a second. And if it doesn't work out... well, we'd use it one way or anther to try again for our miracle. I am already dreading another IVF cycle.... it is so hard... physically and emotionally. I just want it done and over with. Leaving a loose end like this makes me crazy... I feel like a constant burden has been on my shoulders and it's been looming over my head all this time. I'd rather just KNOW what our reality is rather than spend a whole pregnancy (GOD WILLING) wondering how I'll drudge up the courage to do it all again.... and wondering if it'll even result in a good blastocyst or just more heartache. 
• I get my body back: I have been making a lot of really hard sacrifices for a really long time to pursue IVF. I gave up marathons & training... my heart still aches when I think about the NYC Marathon. I miss so much about my former lifestyle... I miss my Sunday long runs with friends. I miss my fit and lean runners body. I miss the buzz of registering for a marathon and the months of training and counting down to the big day. I miss the opportunity to go blow off steam at the track after a hard day. I miss pushing my body to the top of the hill just to prove to myself that I can do it. I miss the amazing, empowering feeling of accomplishment. I miss it all so much. Once we get this ER out of the way... I can RUN again. I can drink alcohol and caffeine (assuming I'm not pregnant). I don't have to worry if I forgot to take a dose of my CoQ10. I don't have to worry about my eggs aging, or living such a clean and perfect life for fear of ruining further my (probably already ruined) egg quality. The only time I'd have to make these sacrifices again would be for a PREGNANCY. Which, obviously, I would gladly do without thinking twice!
• We don't have to worry about my aging eggs: presumably, we will have gotten the best ones out, and then that's it. We're done with my eggs. I'm off the hook. I have spent months resenting my body for betraying me. I have felt broken. Unable to produce. Unable to fulfill my duty as a wife and a woman to bring a precious egg to the table. It has been and continues to be extraordinarily difficult for me to navigate... it cuts to the core of my self worth. 

Sounds reasonable, right? And it would only delay us from transferring our ninja frosty for about a month. An exercise in patience? Yes. But at this point... I'm willing to wait one more month in order to gain my peace of mind in return... my body... my mind... my sanity.

Where's the problem with this? John doesn't agree. Like I said above, it's complicated. My side of the story isn't the full story. Here's what is holding us up:

• My insurance covers donor eggs: I feel bad even admitting this here... I know that some of my most favorite blog stalkers are 100% OOP, and don't get a penny from insurance... My insurance covers a lifetime maximum of four egg retrievals... and they'll even cover the cost of donor eggs for those four cycles. I am humbled and blown away by this. I understand the enormous gift that this is... it's a game changer for us. If we were OOP from the start, then there is NO WAY we would have been able to pursue this much treatment. You're probably thinking, "Good for you!! Why exactly is this a problem?" Well, the issue is that it opens a can of worms. Donor eggs is a choice, whereas it wouldn't be if our insurance didn't cover it. I know, I know. That doesn't exactly make sense. Here's the thing: personally, I don't even want to consider using an egg donor. I have a lot of reasons why not, but I'm not going to get into it now. I think it's a great choice for people who are ok with it... but I'm personally not. Why is this a problem? Because John wants to keep this as an option. See what I'm saying? The fact that it's a choice opens a WHOLE CAN OF WORMS. And has been a fuel to the fire in that it has caused several fights and ugly cries. 

It's messy... it's complicated... it's going to be painful working through to a decision. Thankfully, we have a session scheduled with my therapist on Thursday. John will come with me, and this will be the topic of discussion. However, we won't have much turn around time if we even reach a decision during that session. I'm expecting my period by the end of the week. As a matter of fact, my average LP would make Thursday CD1. Sigh. See what I mean? Complicated. Confusing. Painful. I fucking hate infertility.