Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Running Away

My go-to coping strategy in life? Running away. Up until recently, I have done that in both the literal and figurative sense.

Literally, for example, say John & I get in a fight. I would lace up and slam the door behind me and put as many miles as possible between me and the problem. The good news about all of this? When I return home from a run, I almost always come back with a clear mind and am ready to look at the problem in a new way. Heck, I have even been known to APOLOGIZE after a good run!!

Figuratively, it's a bit less productive. The most relevant problem that we are facing right now is which direction to go in with our remaining two IVF cycles. We have been thinking about it constantly ever since December 9th, yet just now I feel like we are facing a problem that might turn me into a flight risk: John & I are not on the same page.

I want to finish up with the two remaining consults scheduled and come to a decision for IVF #3. With my eggs. And before my period comes so we can get right to it. John seems to be struggling with the realization that our insurance covers only two more egg retrievals, and is ready to go to egg donation now because it is actually covered (yes, you read that correctly... my insurance is incredible). The problem is... I don't want to do egg donation. At all. Or at least not with IVF #3... maybe IVF #4... though I would be more open to embryo adoption than egg donation for some reason that I can't totally explain (at least without sounding like a selfish bitch). But I know one thing for certain: I don't want to think about it right now.

Clearly, the two of us have to get on the same page before we can proceed with IVF #3. But anytime the topic is brought up for discussion, what do I do? I run away... hang up the phone, storm out of the room, raise my voice and insist that "I don't wanna talk about it right now!!!"

I'm bummed out that we will have to likely sit out the next cycle because we aren't going to be ready to make a decision. Next week is going to be hard...

Monday - Consult #3 (with the same practice as #2 but with a different doctor)
Tuesday - Consult #4
Wednesday - Mocha's surgery (the vet just told us last night that the growth next to her tail is melanoma and it needs to be removed... He doesn't think it is malignant, but won't know for sure until he does another biopsy after it's removed)

...and I'm expecting my period on either Tuesday or Wednesday. With my track record of running away from confrontation, it is unlikely that John & I will be able to come to an agreement for the next cycle by the time my period arrives.

So, fine, we're probably going to have to wait until the next cycle. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm going to have to find a way to be able to talk about this.

Why does this have to be so hard? What is God preparing us for? Why is he putting us through this? What is coming that we have to toughen up for?

I am reaching a point where I want to just see the finish line. Whether I like where we're going or not, I'd rather just know that this journey has an end in sight. As impossible as it is to imagine my life without becoming a mother... if that's where this is going, I'd rather just get to the conclusion already so I can learn to deal with it and just move on with my life.

14 comments:

  1. I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sending you big, squishy internet ((hugs)). Thinking of you and always hoping for the best.

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    1. Thanks, ttu, that means a lot to me :)

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  2. {{{{big hugs}}}} You're going to be a mother! Please never give up hope for that happening! This is such a hard decision and one that I really hope you don't have to make! I know it's a long shot but I'm still pulling for you and this IUI! But if you do have to continue treatments and they're covered I don't see the harm in doing 2 more retrievals. Will insurance not cover the egg donation if you max out your retrievals?

    I have a friend who went to RMA and used egg donation. She is significantly older and was allowed 5 retrievals so they did 3 in a row (all that she had left at the time,) banked 60 eggs and only had 1 emrbyo to show for it, which didn't make it to day 5. That's when they used the egg donation, which worked on the 1st try. They did an excellent job picking the donor because her daughter looks very much like her and her husband. Ultimately, she still got to carry her child which gave her the time she needed to bond and feel connected, which she was worried she wouldn't feel. But first she tried everything to have her own baby, and that made her much more comfortable with using the donor (after all her only other option was adoption.)

    Sorry for the long comment! Basically my point is, you have to do what feels right for you! My opinion is do everything you can to make it work with your eggs and leave the donor for IF all else fails. Otherwise you may look back and wonder what if you had done things differently, which is never good! This pretty much leaves no possibility for what ifs.

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    1. "Will insurance not cover the egg donation if you max out your retrievals?"

      Now THAT is the golden question :) I'm going to call my insurance (again) and ask!

      Thank you for your positive thoughts, vibes and energy, Jessica! And also for sharing your friend's experience. I feel like we are prematurely considering the egg donation/embryo adoption thing too - I still believe in my eggs. I just wish I could get John to understand why I feel the way I do... eventually he will at least hear what I'm saying (even if he doesn't agree), but it's going to take some work on both our part.

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  3. I am so sorry you're in this position at all, Cici. I wish I knew what to say to make this even a little better or easier for you, but I don't know what that would be. The only thing I know with certainty is that you are an amazingly strong, compassionate, caring, thoughtful woman - you will be a fantastic mother. I have looked up to you throughout my IF journey and couldn't be more grateful to call you a friend. I know next week is going to be a tough one, I will be thinking about you and praying that this IUI works, and if not, I really hope you and YH can figure out a way to talk about the next steps, when you're ready. If there is anything I can do, you know I'm here for you. Sending lots of love <3 <3 <3

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    1. Thank you, JayTee, as my husband says all the time, "We'll figure it out." I think once we get on the same page, it'll be easier. And if not, tomorrow is always a new day!!

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  4. I think I understand embryo adoption vs. egg donation and I agree that I will also sound like a bitch if I say it:) If we can't make any normal embryos, this is what we will do. I hope you and DH can get on the same page ASAP. I know that waiting is hard!

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  5. It's not selfish to want to try getting your own, genetic egg to create your baby! It is a difficult and stressful situation, but there is still hope for your situation and I am sending positive thoughts that you never need to go further than your next IVF cycle with your own eggs!

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    1. Thanks, doodmama :) I guess the part that makes me feel selfish is that if I don't get a genetic connection to our baby, then I don't want him to have one either... I would just feel so left out. Thanks for the positive thoughts!

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  6. I don't think you are being selfish at all. You want to know you tried everything you could before taking that next step.
    I hope you can get on the same page. I am sending you so many positive thoughts to help you through this.
    Of course I hope that you don't need to make that decision at all. <3 you so much

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    1. <3 Thanks, Kris. Lots of love going your way!!

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  7. I know exactly how you feel on just wanting to know the finish line - whatever it is. I'm glad you know he needs to hear what you're saying even if he doesn't understand it. Wanting a bio child if at all possible is not selfish, it's human nature. Big ((hugs)) as you work through what to do.

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    1. Thanks, Kati. I've been thinking about you a lot lately... I hope you are finding comfort and peace <3

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