Running Away

My go-to coping strategy in life? Running away. Up until recently, I have done that in both the literal and figurative sense.

Literally, for example, say John & I get in a fight. I would lace up and slam the door behind me and put as many miles as possible between me and the problem. The good news about all of this? When I return home from a run, I almost always come back with a clear mind and am ready to look at the problem in a new way. Heck, I have even been known to APOLOGIZE after a good run!!

Figuratively, it's a bit less productive. The most relevant problem that we are facing right now is which direction to go in with our remaining two IVF cycles. We have been thinking about it constantly ever since December 9th, yet just now I feel like we are facing a problem that might turn me into a flight risk: John & I are not on the same page.

I want to finish up with the two remaining consults scheduled and come to a decision for IVF #3. With my eggs. And before my period comes so we can get right to it. John seems to be struggling with the realization that our insurance covers only two more egg retrievals, and is ready to go to egg donation now because it is actually covered (yes, you read that correctly... my insurance is incredible). The problem is... I don't want to do egg donation. At all. Or at least not with IVF #3... maybe IVF #4... though I would be more open to embryo adoption than egg donation for some reason that I can't totally explain (at least without sounding like a selfish bitch). But I know one thing for certain: I don't want to think about it right now.

Clearly, the two of us have to get on the same page before we can proceed with IVF #3. But anytime the topic is brought up for discussion, what do I do? I run away... hang up the phone, storm out of the room, raise my voice and insist that "I don't wanna talk about it right now!!!"

I'm bummed out that we will have to likely sit out the next cycle because we aren't going to be ready to make a decision. Next week is going to be hard...

Monday - Consult #3 (with the same practice as #2 but with a different doctor)
Tuesday - Consult #4
Wednesday - Mocha's surgery (the vet just told us last night that the growth next to her tail is melanoma and it needs to be removed... He doesn't think it is malignant, but won't know for sure until he does another biopsy after it's removed)

...and I'm expecting my period on either Tuesday or Wednesday. With my track record of running away from confrontation, it is unlikely that John & I will be able to come to an agreement for the next cycle by the time my period arrives.

So, fine, we're probably going to have to wait until the next cycle. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm going to have to find a way to be able to talk about this.

Why does this have to be so hard? What is God preparing us for? Why is he putting us through this? What is coming that we have to toughen up for?

I am reaching a point where I want to just see the finish line. Whether I like where we're going or not, I'd rather just know that this journey has an end in sight. As impossible as it is to imagine my life without becoming a mother... if that's where this is going, I'd rather just get to the conclusion already so I can learn to deal with it and just move on with my life.