Monday, July 1, 2013

Searching for Hope

I've been having a hard time bouncing back from the last failed cycle. After IUI#1, I was devastated and spent all of CD1 on the couch with my dog crying until there were no tears left. But the next day, I woke up with new hope and energy. This time around, the "mourning period" has quadrupled. Yeeesh!

I don't want to come across as completely pessimistic... but I have had a feeling that these IUIs wouldn't work for a long while now. I'd love to be wrong, but I just can't shake the feeling off anymore. I'm trying so hard to be positive. I really do believe in the power of positive thinking. But this runs deeper than just being a Negative Nelly. I am not saying it to be dramatic. I just see the probable reality that IUIs will not be the way for us.

I went in for my baseline monitoring this morning and scheduled a mini-consult with my RE. We would discuss our options if this cycle fails. One thing that I really love about my RE's office is that they don't keep you waiting. I was able to schedule the appointment for later the same day! 

I went in for my blood work and then for my ultrasound. I wasn't even really paying attention when the doctor said that there was a small cyst on my left side. Shit. Did he really just say that? Don't cry. Hold yourself together. The doctor told me that he wanted to look at my hormone levels from my blood work before giving me instructions for this cycle. 

I was driving to meet Rachel before work for a run and doing everything I could to hold back the tears. When I pulled up, I couldn't even look at Rachel for the first few seconds because I knew it would open the flood gates. I just wanted to get out there on the road and run. I wasn't expecting a cyst, and now here I was just hoping and praying that we wouldn't get canceled this cycle!

The run turned out to be the perfect thing for me. Rachel pointed out the similarity of a marathon training cycle to an IF 3T cycle. The analogy is perfect. I ran ten marathons before I finally met my goal of breaking four hours. That means that I technically failed nine times (although I don't see it that way. Every marathon was a victory in my mind!). But when I finally did it, oh boy, was it ever the best feeling in the world. I still get chills when I think back to that glorious moment. The whole race was everything I had dreamed of. And crossing the finish line... I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Running with my solemate soothes my soul
I went to summer band next which turned out to be pretty insane thanks to flash-flood warnings. There was a tornado that touched down literally one mile away from the school! It was pretty scary. The program director told us to move away from the windows, so we brought our rehearsal into the (windowless) gym. 

John & I went back to the RE for our mini-consult after summer band was over. First and foremost, we didn't get canceled this cycle!! I started my third round of clomid this evening and will go in for mid-cycle monitoring next Wednesday. As far as the future plan goes, the RE gave us three things to think about:
  1. Laparoscopy to see if I have endometriosis (I have some symptoms, but have never been diagnosed)
  2. IUI with injectables
  3. IVF
We haven't finalized anything yet, but John & I both agree that we are not interested in the lap at this moment. I'd rather not go through a surgery unless it was absolutely necessary. If we make it to the next cycle I think we'll try at least one IUI with injects. At the very least, it'll give our doctor a chance to see how I respond to the meds. Depending on how that goes (and also how things go with my insurance approvals), we'll see about how many more IUIs we try before saying, forget it, time for IVF. 

I'm happy that we don't have to figure it all out right in this moment. I'm sure I'll have a clear vision of the whole thing after a few good runs.


  1. Oh Run, I'm sorry, a lot of what you wrote struck a chord with me. I'm happy you don't have to cancel this cycle and glad you have a chance to think about what next steps you guys want to take. FX for this cycle. (((Hugs)))

  2. It's crazy how the day turned out yesterday -- one minute it was upsetting -- and slowly, it picked up. We went on our run, you were semi-distracted between work + tornado warnings, you got ready for appointment #2 and the good news that you can start the third round of medication. I was thrilled to get that text that all was good with starting the meds. (Yes, I was dancing in my swivel chair).

    I hope that the third times a charm and keeping positive thoughts -- but I understand from our past discussions how you feel about it and if it boils down to the next step, I hope you can choose what YOU want to do and that the doctor agrees with you.

    There's a light at the end of this tunnel -- and out of that tunnel is baby Z waiting for you. Keep up the hope. I'm so proud of you for keeping it together.

    Love you.

    1. P.S. I think what I liked the most about the analogy (or gospel of the day) yesterday was that you "hit the wall" but it wasn't because you were giving up. You never gave up -- you just didn't break the 4-hour time. You never lost faith, you never gave in -- you know what you want and you will get there. It's also like, how we were talking about how the reason why you want to move onto a new treatment is like a training plan. Something didn't work with that training plan so we need to tweak it. It really does all relate one way or another. -Rachel Hills Sanchez