IF Hurts

In so many ways. Right now, I'm experiencing the more obvious version and am doubled over in pain on the couch. My ovaries feel like they are exploding inside my body, and if you think about it... they kind of are.

I went in for IUI#3 this morning. I think ovulation is happening right now. Ouch, my poor swollen ovaries :( As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't believe that this will result in anything more than pain. My body will ache for the next three days, my mind will agonize for the next 11 days, and then my heart will break all over again when we get to CD 1.

I have five, yes FIVE, follicles that are rupturing at this very moment. I have been very responsive to the clomid from the beginning of this IUI journey. And DH's numbers have always been fantastic.

1. IUI#1 Follies: 22, 22, 17, 13, 13, 13, 12. Moving Sperm: 18 million
2. IUI#2 Follies: 22, 20, 16, 15, 14, 13. Moving Sperm: 41 million
3. IUI#3 Follies: 21, 19, 18, 16, 16, 13, 13. Moving Sperm: 21 million

With numbers that good, we should be pregnant with 11 babies by now. ::eyes rolling:: 

I simply cannot be positive about this cycle. Why should I be? It takes too much energy, and it's useless. So I have resolved to just dismiss the negative thoughts as quickly as possible, and move on. I am working out a long term plan, because going cycle by cycle is too damned painful. My aching heart can only handle so much.

I am reminded over and over again that this journey is like a marathon. And as a marathon enthusiast, I am comforted to think of that. I am a warrior. I have run 10 marathons. I have pushed through pain and made it to the finish line nine times. The one time I didn't make it to the line, I pushed my body, mind and soul to her limit. Vomiting three times on the course, being examined by the EMT, struggling to get control of my core temperature... it was crazy that I made it as far as I did (23.8 miles...). 

I am not afraid of physical pain. That doesn't mean that I like it (though I do seek out self-inflicted abuse in the form of hill repeats and track intervals), but I can tolerate quite a lot. I have also demonstrated the ability time and time again of my stubborn will and mental fortitude. This struggle with IF is teaching me to endure the breaking of my heart and spirit. IF may win the battle on most days, but I'm going to win the war.

I spent three years working towards a personal goal that I haphazardly set for myself while I was on my runner's high from my second marathon. I had such an effortless race and crossed the line in 4:08:05 at the 2010 Disney Marathon. So naturally, I thought the next thing was to aim to break 4:00:00 in the next marathon. How hard could it be?

Turns out, very. I spent the next 10 months training my body for the perfect race. My training was "flawless" (and by that, I mean that at the time I thought it was perfect, but now I look back and see how foolish I was to think that) and I never deviated from my schedule. Race day came in November at the 2010 NYC Marathon. Everything seemed to be going well until I came unglued on the Queensboro Bridge at mile 16. I spent the next 10 miles resenting everything in my path and especially marathons.

As horrible as that race was at the time, it is the best thing that probably could have happened to me. My results from that race were actually pretty amazing as long as you look at it from the right perspective. At first, I was devastated. I crossed the line in 4:33... 11 minutes slower than my first marathon. What went wrong? I spent weeks thinking about every possible thing. There had to be something, and I was determined to fix it.

Finally, I decided to turn to an expert to get some help reaching my goal. That's when I reached out to Coach Vinny. I am not going to go into the significance of this moment right now. Just take my word for it: my life was forever changed in an overwhelmingly positive way.

Throughout the course of those three years, I ran seven marathons where I did not meet my goal. You could call each race a failure, but I don't see it that way. Each "failure" has brought me closer to meeting my goal, even if I was going backwards on the time clock. When I finally crossed the 2013 Shamrock Marathon finish line this past March and the clock said 3:42:54... I simply cannot put into words the emotions I felt in that moment. 

The countless blood, sweat, and tears became worth it in this one moment.

So, long story, but to get to the point: IF is like marathon training. Except now I'm in training for pregnancy. I may not achieve it this cycle, or the next cycle (or if it's anything like my experience with breaking 4:00:00, several more after that). But I.WILL.MAKE.IT. And at the finish line, there will be tears of joy, and a baby (which is so much better than a medal... even though the medals are pretty grand). When I'm looking down at the miracle in my arms, it will not matter how how much pain I had to persevere to get to that moment. I just have to keep going. And of course I will!!