Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Clarity.

You don't need to point out that I've been absent around here for a little while. I know, I know. I've been having a difficult time dealing with my reality ever since CD 1 (well, actually, since CD 22 of the previous cycle).

The truth is, I have been especially lost for the past two weeks. I have not felt like myself. The emotional roller coaster of IF takes me up for a day, sun is shining and I have hope, and the next day I come crashing down, it is gloomy and I have despair. This is the pattern that I have been going through daily without fail for the past two weeks.

Things got really confusing when I went to my WTF appointment with the RE. At our consultation, he presented us with three options for moving forward in the event that this cycle fails. I am convinced without a doubt in my mind that this cycle will fail. I know that is sad and horrible, and I need to think positive... But I'm not saying it as a cry for attention. I'm saying it because I really, truly, honest to goodness believe that will be our reality. I would love to be proven wrong, but I'm not holding my breath. Sigh... Anyway, here are the options we have for the next cycle:
  1. Laparoscopy to look at my uterus and diagnose possible endometriosis. 
  2. Injects with IUI
  3. IVF
I have spent the past eight days tormenting myself over this decision, because I just didn't know which was the right one for us. Each option has it's pros and cons:

Option #1 - Lap:
  • Pro: it is the only way to diagnose endometriosis.
  • Pro: it will give the doctor the chance to look at my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes.
  • Pro: it may give me peace of mind about my arcuate uterus diagnosis.
  • Con: in order to do the lap, we will have to TTA for a full cycle.
  • Con: it is a surgery which requires full anesthesia and a breathing tube.
Option #2 - Injects with IUI
  • Pro: the injects may produce a better quality egg and increase our chances for success.
  • Pro: the doctor will have the chance to figure out my medicine doses so that we have a better quality IVF cycle (should we get there)
  • Con: I do not believe it will work. If I have had a "perfect" response with the clomid and IUI's, then why would there be an advantage with injects? I just don't believe the ovulation is the problem. It is deeper than that.
Option #3 - IVF:
  • Pro: the chances for success are much higher.
  • Pro: I believe it will work quickly for us.
  • Con: it is a much more invasive form of treatment.
  • Con: ER (egg retrieval) is a painful procedure.
  • Con: if we cut right to IVF without ruling out Injects + IUI first, and if IVF fails... it will be devastating.
I went for a solo run tonight. It's been a while since I have run alone because I've been so lucky to have so many running buddies. But it was exactly what I needed to clear my head. Just me, my Brooks, and the road. I swear, a good run can solve any problem. I came home with so much: a clear head, a clear plan, and hope.

Not only did I work out the plan for the next cycle, but I also came up with a plan to train my body to prepare for pregnancy in the absence of marathon training. 

My Plan:
  • I will do the lap in the next cycle. It will be hard to take a break from TTC, but I need it right now from a mental standpoint. Andplusalso (as Jodi would say), I just want to know what the hell is going on in there.
  • We will decide on the following cycles after getting the results from the lap. For now, I'm letting myself off the hook. I don't want to think about it until I have to. IF is making me crazy.
  • I am going to talk to the RE again about my training plans. I think I understand more clearly now what his main concern is about the running (he's worried about an ovarian torsion). I have been ultra conservative, and think that I can push myself a little bit more without putting myself or a baby at risk.
  • I am going to get a new pair of running shoes. I've always wanted to try out a pair of Vibram FiveFinger shoes. This is a good time since I'd have to "ease my way in" for a while. 
  • I am going to register for a race or two. Enough sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. And feeling slow. I'm going to get my damn speed back.
  • I am going to keep track of my food intake on MyFitnessPal. I need to make sure that I'm eating enough, and the quality of my nutrition has been a little under par lately.
  • I am going to continue living my life as happily as possible. It will probably be a while before I get pregnant. I need to accept that reality.
Yay for a plan!! I hope this is all I needed to finally get off the roller coaster. 

Top Left: I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way...
Top Right: I am a warrior. Hear me RRROOOAAARRR!!! And I will have a little cub soon.
Bottom: Making progress on my cross stitch project.

8 comments:

  1. Good luck with the new plan!

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  2. yay!! Love it!!! GL with your plan!!

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  3. Sounds like a great plan. You've inspired me to rethink some things. I'm also considering making a blog too about my IF journey and running. Maybe it will help me sort through some of my thoughts and feelings. Hugs to you!!!

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  4. Cici-sounds like a good plan. The journey really does stink and I know you just want to throw in the towel sometimes. Give yourself the mental break you need.

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  5. Congrats on making a plan. I'm sure that was a tough decision but I'm glad you made it and I wish you luck! I totally hear you on the up and down roller coaster with IF. Hang in there chicky.

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  6. First things first, you are always on point with your plans. I love the way you think things out and present them. It's the over-achiever in you, isn't it? But it's the best and it gets the job done -- and I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will get the job done ASAP. You know I am always hopeful and keeping positive thoughts and vibes for you each and every cycle since we've been friends (seems longer than what it really is), and I LOVE YOU!!!

    I know we talked about this earlier this morning and I really do think the approach you're going to take next is a great idea. You get the lap done along with the other procedure (which I don't think you mentioned since you spoke to the nurse this morning with more details) -- so you will get the whole picture and see what's going on.

    As for other "training" plans -- I think that's a great idea. I think talk more in detail with your doctor and like we discussed also, that I don't even think going an extra mile or few more minutes won't be a problem at all. You know your body best -- you know when you're pushing yourself and when you need a rest day. It's the dreadful north east humidity that makes us even more sluggish and slow. (That's what I'm telling myself -- ugh. I hate summer running).

    Great plans altogether!!!!

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  7. love your plan- is a Bear Mtn run possible? lol I'm happy for you and here to support you any way I can. I love you lots and know you know you're making the best decision for YOU. We're here to affirm that ;)

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    1. How'd I miss this?! Kristina, YES on Bear Mountain!!! Let's go!!

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