Signs...

I went to church this morning and I prayed extra hard. I listed my blessings... I am thankful for so much. I was forthcoming with what I want (you don't have to think hard about that one!!). I asked God to be clear. Send me a sign. If there is something that I still need to learn or do before we can get to the next level... just tell me. We'll see how that goes.

The days between ER and ET are the most difficult, excruciating days. I am doing everything in my power to fight off the negative chatter in my mind. I'm trying to keep myself from thinking the worst... It is very, very challenging.

I was actually doing a decent job of keeping myself together. I spent the whole day on the couch yesterday. I was so uncomfortable... yuck. Today, thankfully, I feel better. I went to church, met with a few girlfriends for manicures and lunch (LOVE YOU, JERSEY DREAMERS!!), picked up some groceries, and had a nice, long chat with a dear friend. I was doing great!

And then I opened my email and saw this...

The email I got tonight.... And the pineapple whose core will be consumed! STICKY NINJAS!!

Yeah, that pretty much unglued me. Thank god for the beautiful and lovely Jersey Dreamers. They listened to me cry... Why is God doing this to me? What did I do that was so wrong? What am I supposed to learn from this so that I can just get to the next level???

I wish that I hadn't read this email tonight... during this very frail time when I'm just hoping that my embryos are still alive. I wish that she would have told me a week ago. Or a week later. But I have no control over when people announce their happy news.

Maybe that's what I am supposed to be learning from this... that things are tough right now, but life goes on. Even though I am stuck, the rest of the world is moving on. Maybe God is testing me to show me how strong I really am.

Whatever the case may be, I am putting this out there. It has been vented. And now, I'm walking away from it. I am going to go do my Circle+Bloom, and move on. I need to focus on my embryos, my transfer, my family.

::breathe in:: ... ::breathe out::

Day One Fert Report

14 eggs retrieved

9 mature

1 did not fertilize (will be discarded)

3 fertilized abnormally (will be discarded)

5 fertilized normally

I had a hard time curbing my emotions while I was on the phone with the embryologist. I actually burst out, "FIVE?! That's it?!?!" I am just so surprised that this quickly we can go down from 14 to five. I knew there would be a decline, but I was hoping for more embryos than the last time!!! (Last time, we had 10 retrieved, 6 mature, 6 fertilized)

The embryologist then proceeded to tell me that I should call the lab at 8:30am on Monday morning to find out if I would have a 3- or 5-day transfer. Just like the last time, they will look at the embryos on Day 3. If there are more than two embryos growing normally, then they may push us to a 5dt. If there are two or less, then we'll go for the 3dt. 

I am preparing myself mentally for a 3dt. I feel sick. I feel like we are headed for the same exact outcome as the last time... The only way this could possibly get worse is if we have nothing to transfer on day 3. Heaven help me........

I asked some questions about egg quality and sperm quality. It is too early to determine embryo quality. The embryologist said that there was nothing to indicate that there was poor egg or sperm quality. The sperm count was 110 million with a 64% motility. Ok, fine. 

So now we wait. Again. And hope. And pray. And distract ourselves. I wish I could be placed in a medically induced coma for the next two days. 

I don't know what else to do, but to keep marching on. So... I'm going to go distract myself. I pray that my five little ninjas are kicking ass in their petri dishes right now. Grow, embies!!!! Grow!!!!!!!!!!

Egg Retrieval

This was in the locker at the clinic where I stored my stuff during ER. 

So, yesterday was my egg retrieval. I had a page full of pre-op instructions to follow including no perfumes or scented products, wash my hair the night before, no mascara or make up, wear warm socks, take two Pepcids and a Visaril the night before and one of each in the morning, no food or drink after midnight, etc.

We arrived at the clinic at 8:30 and were taken back to the locker room within ten minutes. I got dressed for surgery and then we were seated in the pre-op/recovery room. The nurse went over all of the pre-op forms with us. I got a fancy looking hair net and a thermometer sticker on my forehead. John assured me that it was a good look. I chewed up two Tums, and the nurse took my baseline vitals. Then the IV. Ouch. I hate that part. It never felt comfortable to me, and I couldn't wait for them to take it out. I spoke to the anesthesiologist and then after a quick trip to the bathroom, they walked me into the OR.

Immediately after walking in, there were three or four people pulling at me, placing me in the right spot, putting the oxygen tubes up my nose. In less than a minute, the room got futz and then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room and felt extremely groggy. One of the nurses walked by and I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I wanted to know how many eggs we got!!! She told me we got 14 eggs. I was so happy to hear this!! John came back to sit with me, and the doctor came back to talk to us before she had to do the next ER.

My recovery was going pretty well at first. The nurse say me up little by little. Then I got some crackers and ginger ale. About three crackers in, I started to feel a bit nauseous. The nurse came over and noticed that I looked pale. She laid me back down and drew some blood so she could check my hemoglobin. Those numbers were a tad low, but that was to be expected after ER. She checked them again later so she could compare, and those numbers were fine. She gave me a shot in my arm to help my heart rate which was low. Then I had sudden, intense pain on my left ovary. It hurt so much, there were tears in my eyes. She rushed to get the doctor who did a trans abdominal ultrasound. I tried to focus on my breathing because I knew I was starting to panic and hyperventilate. Thankfully, the ultrasound checked out ok and there wasn't any excessive fluid around my ovaries. The nurse came in to give me a shot in my hip of some sort of pain medication (Demarall?). The pain of the needle was a welcomed distraction from the pain in my ovary. Ten minutes later, the medicine kicked in and I felt a lot better. I had to lay in recovery for a while longer because the nurse was afraid that the pain medicine would cause me to get sick. I felt nauseous for a while, but we eventually were able to get me home and in bed. I had a puke bag ready to go in the car, but thankfully didn't need it.

The doctor sent me home with Percocet to manage the pain. I took two doses (at 2:45 and 6:45). That stuff knocked me out. The nurse called me within 30 minutes of arriving at home just to check on me.

John did a good job of taking care of me the rest of the day and night. He got me yummy chicken noodle soup from Benny's kitchen. And Gatorade. Lots of Gatorade! For dinner, I was able to have potato skins pizza from Chimney Rock. Yummmmm!!

I knocked out pretty instantly after taking the second Percocet. And then had the most horrifying dreams. I dreamt that Coda was out in the yard, nowhere to be seen, and then three bears came running through. I never saw him again. I called and called for him to come back, but I knew deep down that he was either hopelessly lost or that the bear got him. Then the next day, Mocha and I were outside and the bears were back on the other side of the fence. Mocha somehow jumped the fence and onto the bear's back. I screamed after her and tried to scare the other bears away. It seemed like Mocha was out for revenge, but she was outnumbered and they were so much bigger than her... I woke up before the other bears retaliated.

I am so nervous about my fert report from the embryologist. I have been dreading this moment for weeks. Any minute now... I hope and pray that things go differently this time. In the meantime, I am holding my breath waiting for the phone to ring.

Trigger

I took my trigger shot last night at 9:30pm. That means tomorrow is the big day :D Well... one of the big days :) I will have my egg retrieval at 9:30am.

I am feeling so bloated, full, uncomfortable, achy, gross... and I'm thrilled about it because I have lots of follies in there :) I am hoping and praying that at least one of them will be my sticky baby.

The Bandaid of the Day is Beaker :) I am taking my last shot of the Tev Tropin tonight. I am not planning on a bandaid for that shot though. It's such a quick and easy shot, and I have very specific pre-op instructions (no scented products of any kind, no food or drink after midnight, etc, etc).

Monitoring Appointment #4

CD11, 9 doses of stims including 4,000iu of Follistim, 18 vials of Menopur, 240iu of Tev Tropin, and 4 doses of Cetrotide. Today's follie scan showed the following:

Lining: 8.1 (HOLY SHIT!!! I'm so excited about this!!)
Left: 19, 18, 17, 15, 14, 14, 13
Right: 18, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 14, 14, 14, 13
E2: 2,247
LH: less than 1
P: 1.3

Dr. J was happy to see all those follies and said that things look good. He asked me how my left side was feeling. Apparently, my left ovary is laying long. Well, that explains why I've been feeling like this! My left side has never been this active, and I feel a constant pinch in my back along with pressure on my bowel. I feel like I have to poo all the time, but I don't. I've been drinking lots of water, so the bathroom trips have been plentiful.

I will get a call later to let me know what time I will be triggering. Egg retrieval will be on Friday.

Whenever I think about Saturday, the day after ER... the first fertility report... I get really uneasy. I'm trying not to think about it because when I do, the negative thoughts come flooding in. I want to stay as positive as possible for as long as possible. Circle+Bloom has been helping to keep me on track.

And, finally, the BANDAID UPDATE!! First, let me just tell you that I had to shoot up in the bathroom at work during the 5th & 6th Grade Concert. It was not fun dragging my bloated and grumpy ass back to the auditorium. I had to set up the stage (lifting lots of chairs, stands, percussion equipment, and electronic equipment... don't tell on me!), conduct the Concert Band through their two pieces and direct the Jazz Band through their selection, bring them off stage to put down their instruments, and then when they went to sing with the Chorus... that's when I snuck off. The superintendent was at the concert... he never comes to our concerts! But for some reason he was there last night. I was so nervous that someone would come looking for me. Anyway, I got through my shots as quickly as possible, and luckily no one seemed to notice my absence. I used the bandaid of the day to cover my Cetrotide shot which bled again. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... drum roll please.... The Bandaid of the Day is........ Fozzie the Bear!! Woohoo! Or should I say, Wakka wakka wakka!!

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UPDATE!!! I am triggering tonight at 9:30pm, returning to the lab for blood work and pre-op instructions tomorrow, and ER is on Friday at 9:30am!!! I am to finish the Tev Tropin (40iu tonight and about 20iu tomorrow). AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I'm so excited!!!! 

Monitoring Appointment #3

CD10, 8 nights of stims behind me, 2,825iu of Follistim, 16 vials of Menopur, 200iu of Tev Tropin, 3 doses of Cetrotide. Today's follie scan:

Lining: 7.54

Left: 16, 15, 18, 15, 13, 11

Right: 15, 14, 13, 10, 11, 10, 11, 12, 10

E2: 1,564

LH: less than 1

P: 1.2

I am over-the-moon-happy with the above!! I was completely expecting my 8 follies to be there, but didn't think there'd be any more. Now I have 15 measurable follicles!! And my lining!!! My lining!!!!! I can't believe my lining :D 

I am waiting for the call from my doctor with instructions. My favorite nurse was there this morning. She is awesome, and I love it when she does my appointments. She is very gentle with the blood draw, and when she does my scan she is very verbal. She was explaining everything, showing me all of my gorgeous follies on the screen, making sure I had enough medicine... I'm going to call the pharmacy to order more Follistim, because it seems that I will be stimming for a few days more before the trigger. Good, good, good!! Plump up those follies!! I hope some of the smaller ones will catch up :)

And now the bandaid update :) I fully admit that the use of bandaids for these shots is mostly unnecessary. They are essentially stickers, but they make me smile whenever I see them. Even though I'm up to three shots a night, I've only been putting one bandaid on just for the fun of it. So after my first shot, I opened the wrapping to find Miss Piggy's eyes glittering and gleaming :) My last shot of the night (Cetrotide) made me bleed, so I actually needed a second bandaid. So now Kermit the Frog is on my belly too. It's so adorable. They are making googley eyes across my belly button ;)

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UPDATE: My doctor just called. I will continue with the same dose tonight and return for more monitoring tomorrow. He is estimating ER for Friday, but said that we'll get a better idea after tomorrow. 

Monitoring Appointment #2

CD8, 1,275iu of Follistim, 12 vials of Menopur, 120iu of Tev Tropin and a dose of Cetrotide over the past six nights. Whew!! Today's follie scan showed the following:

Lining: 5.9
Right: 11, 12, 11, 13
Left: 11, 11, 14, 11
E2: 649
LH: less than 1
P: 0.7

I will update later with my blood work results (E2, LH & HCG were measured). Dr. D did my scan today, so he gave me my instructions on the spot. Same doses for the next two nights (275iu Follistim + 2 vials Menopur, 40iu Tev Tropin, and a dose of Cetrotide). I will return for more monitoring on Tuesday.

I am feeling good. Bloated and full. Spirits are up. Maybe not as high as a few days ago, but still up.

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Updated: I was scratching my head to figure out tonight's bandaid. Then Laur figured it out :)

At first I thought Fozzie the Bear, but that wasn't right...

It's this guy! The Chef!!