20/60

20 days until Dr. KK Part I.

60 days until Dr. KK Part II.

When we first scheduled these appointments, they seemed like an eternity away. It's still pretty long of a wait until the follow up, but the countdowns are chipping away :)

I went on the pill a week and a half ago. I know that seems counterintuitive... why would you go on the pill if you're trying to conceive? My pharmacist gave me an inquisitive look when I filled the prescription and asked where the prenatal vitamins were in the same visit. Ha! I decided to go on the pill this cycle because I cannot have my period for my appointment in 20 days. After all of the IVF fun I've been through, my neat and tidy little 26 day cycles have gone rogue. The past two unmedicated cycles have been 31 days, which means that CD1 for this cycle would have probably been the day of my long-awaited-for appointment. No freaking way! So this chick got herself on the pill.

I have to say... it feels SO GOOD to know that there is absolutely no chance in hell that I could have a surprise miracle pregnancy right now. That might seem like a weird statement to read if you've been around this blog the past year. I want nothing more than to become pregnant, and I don't care how it happens. A surprise miracle... wow, I'd take it!!

But it's just so exhausting to go through a natural cycle knowing that our chances for success are 2-5%. I have never been a lucky person. I don't play the lottery, I don't gamble, I don't call into radio shows hoping to be the 100th caller for that awesome prize. Why not? Well, I have learned from the past that I am never the lucky one who wins unless the odds are seriously stacked in my favor. So you can imagine why I'm happy to take a break from my one in fifty odds this month.

So what have I been doing? Am I weeping in a corner while watching the clock tick down? Hell to the no freaking way!! I can't believe it, I don't know how, but I am enjoying my summer. Here's a few ways how:

• Marathon training - 38 days until race day!!!! Which means four runs a week (including a weekly long run... this weekend is 20 MILES - holy shit, I'm a little scared!! But I know I can do it!), yoga, core & strength workouts, fuel & nutrition, running gear, and otherwise scheming with my Soley & Bestie, Rachel, on our next big run :)
• Sleeping - I'm enjoying sleeping in most days (hooray for summer vacay!!), and it's a rare occurrence if I don't get my afternoon nap :)
• Hanging out with friends & family - John & I have enjoyed lots of quality time together with our doggies. And my little sister just spent the past three days staying at our house. We had lots of great times!!
• Home improvement projects - we've been working on the Fab Room for the past several weeks. It is shaping up so wonderfully!!! Paint and new baseboards are all done! It looks awesome!! We're working on furnishing the otherwise empty room. It's going to look AWESOME!!
• Lots and lots and LOTS of relaxing :)

What have you all been up to? How's your summer??

30/70

30 days until Dr. Kwak-Kim Part I.

70 days until Dr. Kwak-Kim Part II.

Today is also CD1. My ovaries are getting shut down. This chick is going on the pill. I can't risk getting my period for my appointment (my average cycle has been 31 days after all this IF nonsense). These ovaries have caused me nothing but pain. They had their shot.

Marathon training has been going well. Rachel & I pounded out 18 miles yesterday. It hurt. But it felt great.

40/80

40 days till Dr. KK Part I.

80 days till Dr. KK Part II.

I ovulated later this cycle, and if it goes the same way for the following cycle then I will get my period for my appointment. That's a no-no, so I'm planning to go on the pill just to make sure.

We did HIO with great timing for this natural cycle. I don't expect anything at all, but it'd just be silly to let it pass us by. Stranger things have happened!

Marathon training is going well. This weekend is a 16 mile long run. Rachel and I will take it down (possibly in the rain, but I personally love running in the rain! Just no lightening. That's dangerous!).

Have a happy day & thanks for reading!

50/90

50 days to go until Dr. KK Part I. 

90 days to go until Dr. KK Part II. 

My ovaries are doing their usual thing. Presumably making a big fuss over producing another sub-par egg. I don't know if or when I ovulated, because I'm making no efforts to figure it out with OPKs or BBT. 

Other than that, marathon training is where it's at! This is week 4 of 13 until race day! Woohoo!

The Hormonal Fog Has Been Lifted!

I tell you: these hormones are no joke! Even on an unmedicated cycle, the power of your hormones can turn you into a certifiable loon. Add fuel to the fire, and the results are downright turbulent. Sheesh!

I think the hormone haze from the last cycle is finally leveling out. Thank goodness! I can think again. I can see clearly. I don't feel the need to eat pint after pint of ice cream while sobbing one second and raging the next.

I am focusing on my marathon training and it is glorious! Even if I can't seem to stay up on my two feet (yeah, I kinda fell... again... while out on my long run this weekend. Second time this month! What do you do when you fall? Well, I get right back up and run 10 more miles!).

The Dr. KK Countdown is slowly ticking away. We are down to 56 days until Part I (initial consult with testing) and 96 days until Part II (follow up with results). I have to admit that I don't know much about the world of reproductive immunology. I worry that it's too late for me. Maybe there's something that can be done to improve our chances, but I'm worried that it's not going to be enough to make the difference for us. ::shrugs shoulders:: I dunno. There's only one way to find out!!

How do you put the glass down?

I read a quick photo caption on Facebook about how heavy a glass was perceived to be when you hold it. The longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes. Hold it a minute, it's not heavy at all. Hold it an hour, your arm starts to get sore. Hold it a day, your arm becomes numb and you are paralyzed from doing anything else. The concept was then related to the thoughts that we hold onto.

How long have I been holding onto my infertility glass? To be honest, I haven't put it down since before we saw the RE. The obsession started in October 2012. We were still TTC on our own, but it was the first time I realized that we had been trying for over six months, and I was obsessed.

I was crushed when I got my period (again) and realized that our cycle did not work. The previous cycles weren't as hard to brush off. "Next time," I said, "That just wasn't our baby." Then I 'decided' that John and I could use a TTC break. I tried to put the glass down.

The problem was, I couldn't forget about it for long. It was like I put the glass down, but I was still attached. Maybe I was walking around and put some distance between the glass and myself, but there was a string that held us together. The 'break' wasn't much of a break, because I agonized over when I ovulated and still kept track of my cycle. And when I got my period I was crushed again. That time did not help that it was in the midst of Hurricane Sandy, we were displaced from our home due to power outages, and it was the period from hell.

Now here I am, a year and a half later... almost two years... will be two years by the time we can have hope again for a cycle... The glass is still in my hand, my arm is a dangling appendage, nearly rotted off my body by now. I am trying to put it down, but I am still bound. This time the string has evolved into a chain with barbed wire. And the distance has shortened so severely that there may only be an inch between us. I can put it down, but I can't walk away. I am a prisoner to my glass.

So how do you escape? I am going for a run. Thank god for marathon training. It is one of the few things in my life that brings genuine relief. I wish I could constantly be in running mode. I wish I could run so long and hard that my ovaries would become numb.

**********************

This is not the end of me,
This is the beginning.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I've been doing this whole "pretend I'm ok even though I'm not" thing the past few weeks. Today, it blew up in my face. I woke up to the usual PMS cramps at the usual dpIUI time.

When I was leaving the house to go to work, I looked down at my thumb nail... as silly, sad, or pathetic as it sounds, I had painted my nails with my Ninja manicure on April 20th, two days before our beta. I never had the heart to remove the chipped polish, so I let time chip it away. Well, the final speck was gone when I looked this morning. Cue Ugly Cry #1 of the day. Not fun or recommended while driving. Why does that always seem to happen?!

I started the usual PMS spotting late this morning. And I don't know what set me off, but suddenly I was swept away by Ugly Cry #2 at my desk at work. It's usually a safe place to let loose, but I heard the door open and a man's voice. I made a run for the storage closet, but didn't get away with it. The sales rep from our local music shop was making his rounds, and followed me asking, "Hey! So now you see me and run?" He was joking until he saw my red-eyed, blotchy face. Awwwwwwk-warrrrrrrrd. Then he couldn't run out of the room fast enough. He was abundantly apologetic, saying that he was so sorry and that he would come back later, so sorry to bother, you should really get a cup of coffee, do you want me to get you a cup of coffee?? Oh, god, so awkward.

So, I guess I'm not fine. I wish I could shut off my ovaries for a little while to give my brain a break. Sigh.

And, this just in, I just got my period. BIG SURPRISE, IUI #5 is a bust. I don't know if I should count today as CD1 or if tomorrow is CD1. I DON'T CARE. In the end, it doesn't really matter. We are not doing another IUI.

I AM DONE. D-O-N-E.

I had the realization - why am I torturing myself with more IUIs while we're in this holding pattern?? I didn't have a single shred of hope, I knew that it was basically going to guarantee when my period would come and that is it. It is not worth the pain. It is not worth the planning. It is not worth anything at all!!!

So what now? We continue to wait. 62 days until Dr. KK Part I, 102 days until Part II.

Somehow I need to find a way to keep my brain distracted. I will be running a lot to numb the pain.