Wake-up Call

Did you ever have one of those moments when things happen and you get the sense that God is speaking directly to you? I'm not usually vocal at all about my religion, and I don't mean to get all "God Squad" on you here, but this morning I got a wake-up call from God himself ;)

Yesterday was a bad day... I was feeling so sad and low... I could hardly get myself moving. Those feelings rolled right over into this morning. I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was pushing me down and keeping me pinned to my bed. My body felt tense and heavy, my mind felt groggy, and my spirit felt broken and exhausted. I couldn't move if I tried, and even John noticed that I was struggling. He turned the lights on to try and wake me up, and I snapped at him to turn them off and leave me alone. I'm not the type of person who can just roll out of bed in the morning and walk out the door; I need time to go through my morning routine (shower, breakfast, hair & make-up, walk the dogs). The clock was ticking down and I didn't care that I wouldn't have enough time to do it all.

After John reluctantly left for work, I picked up my phone to look at my Facebook newsfeed. Among the usual filigree that you'd find on your newsfeed, there were two posts that caught my eye immediately:

1. New York Road Runners (NYRR)'s Post:
   "NYRR has been a significant part of my life for the past year. I began to work on my 9+1 credits early this January, with steady races scheduled up until about June. I found out this summer that I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer... that limited my ability to run for some time. After the dust settled a bit... I realized that I still had to complete my credits to qualify for next year's Marathon. What better way to say 'I kicked cancer's butt' than by running the New York City Marathon the following year? This will be a tough completion to the 9+1, but I feel like pulling through will mean so much more to me this time around than if I did not have these obstacles. Thanks for the inspiration! And I can't WAIT to run the Marathon next year!" - Lauren J.
2. Twinkie's Post on IDOB:
   "After yet another 'ghost line' this morning on a wondfo, I was convinced that these must be evaps. I dipped a FRER [to] confirm my suspicions and a second line popped up right away! I think I got my BFP this morning! I can't believe it, I am still in shock. It's light, but no squinting necessary..."

I don't know if I can fully describe how these two posts made me feel, but I'm going to try. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, feeling shattered, broken, and hopeless, and there is Lauren J telling her story of hope and triumph. She's fighting hard to kick cancer's ass. She has been dealt a hand far sucky-er (suckier? Just go with it) than mine, yet she's not laying down and admitting defeat. She WILL run the NYC Marathon next year. And I WILL run the NYC Marathon again in the future. 

Then there's Twinkie... Girl, I know you're probably reading this, so I'll try to keep from getting too mushy. But in all honesty, Twinkie, you are my hero lately! I've been stalking your blog ever since you started it, and had been keeping up with you on IDOB and TB long before that. For those of you who are unfamiliar with her story, here's the cliff notes version: Twinkie recently went through IVF#1. Everything was going fine until right before her transfer... none of her embryos made it to transfer. She did not let this keep her down. She got right back in there for IVF#2. You ever hear that cliche "It only takes one" ?? Well, that's true in this case. Twinkie had literally one embryo make it to transfer and none of the rest made it to freeze. And that's the one that took and is showing that glorious little pink line today!! Twinkie, I'm SO HAPPY for you! You gave me hope when I really thought I was tapped out... seeing your post today literally brought me to tears (tears of joy, hope and inspiration). I am praying that your beta goes well!!

So there you have it. God did speak to me this morning. He made it possible for those two posts to be there right when I needed to see them the most. He made it possible for Lauren J and Twinkie to have a miracle today. It was like he reached through my cell phone screen himself and said, "Cici... get yer ass outta bed. You are a warrior. Miracles happen everyday, and yours is coming soon." 

And you know what? Miracles do happen everyday. Today, mine is that I got out of bed and made it to work (somehow early... I don't know how!!). 

This is getting ridiculous

Ugh. It's one of those sleepless nights. This is so frustrating!!!! I am tired. Exhausted. But I can't shut my brain down to be able to sleep. I hate this. Isn't it enough that IF takes away stability, happiness, marathons, and pretty much the joy from every possible situation? Does it have to rob us of our sleep too?? Ugh.

I just put in for a sick day for tomorrow. I can't see myself falling asleep any time soon, and the alarm is set to go off in three hours. I feel so guilty about missing my 5th graders for their lessons tomorrow. And it makes me cringe to know that we haven't even been in session for two months yet and I've already been out for 3.5 days (now 4.5) thanks to IF appointments. Ugh.

I am going to step away from the blog and try to sleep. First, I am turning the alarm off. I'm sure John will wake me and say, "Don't you have to get up for work?!" That'll probably be the second I finally get myself to sleep.

I hate this.

I feel so angry. And sad.

I can't explain why I feel the way I do. One minute, I'm fine. The next, a wave of sadness and anger washes over me and I don't know what brought it on. Will this ever get better?

I Get Up Again

I don't know why, but I woke up today with a whole new attitude. I was talking to a friend last night about how sad I have been feeling, and let out all of the negative, bad, horrible thoughts that have been haunting me all week. By the end of the conversation, I had an epiphany.

When is it that we learn the most? When things go perfectly and we get what we want on our first try? No, of course not. We learn the most when we make mistakes. Failure is an opportunity for growth.

Well, all of the cycles that we have gone through on our TTC journey leading up to this last one have always gone so perfectly. That is, up until the negative results. Things seemed to be going so well, yet nothing was happening for us. I started to feel like we were "fixing" a problem that wasn't a problem around June.

Then this cycle comes along and turns out to be a colossal flop. It was looking so perfect up until our day three fertility report... Of our six embryos, two were in the normal range with seven cells, one of which with quite a bit of fragmentation. We transferred those, and the remaining four were growing slowly and behind the mark already. They didn't make it to freeze. We still have yet to find out if they grew anymore and just weren't good enough quality, or if they arrested on their own. From that point, I was worried. What if the two embryos that we transferred did the same thing? Well, it seems that they probably did considering we did not get pregnant.

As heartbreaking as this has been... at least now we know what the hell has been going on all this time. I am willing to bet that we've achieved fertilization most of the time that we have been trying... but our embryos just haven't been good enough to make it.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that I am starting to look at this awful failure of a cycle as a learning opportunity. I hope that now my doctor can see exactly what needs to be done to get me good and knocked up the next time around. I cannot wait for our WTF appointment on November 4th. I am hoping that my doctor will tell us that we are not a hopeless case and then tell us exactly how he plans to get us to our goal.

In the meantime, I'm getting back up again. To say I was knocked on my ass this past week is the understatement of the century. I didn't know that there were lows that low. I can't stay there for long. It'll do me in. So I'm getting up. I'm moving on. And I'm fighting back. FUIF!!!!!!

I am Fighting a Battle

...and getting my ass kicked! It sounds sad, but for some reason, right now I'm not sad. It helps to look at it that way. I'm fighting. That means that I'm not just laying there taking the beating. Yes, I'm getting my ass kicked at the moment, but I'm still fighting.

My Garmin is also fighting right now. A few of my friends on Facebook made some suggestions on how to do a reset... nothing worked. One friend said that her husband's watch did the same thing and it was done-zo. They got a new watch. But for some reason this morning, I decided to plug it in just one more time. I just looked at it a few hours later... it's actually showing the correct time and that it is 86% charged! Does that mean that Garmy is coming back to me?!?

I feel that my period is on the way. I panicked this morning at work because I couldn't find any tampons. Luckily, I found two in the side zipper which I never use. Whew. It didn't matter though, because I don't have my period yet.

Fertility Friend thinks I'm pregnant. Asshole. It has stopped predicting CD1 and is showing up to CD34 through the end of October.

I had an observation today, and I thought it was pretty rough. My vice principal was very impressed with it though. I don't understand... I feel like I'm a horrible teacher, but by everyone else's standards I'm doing a great job. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

I'm going back today for another therapy session. Last night's was good, though short. It's impossible to catch a total stranger up on the happenings of an entire life in just an hour. When talking about this past cycle, I said, "It didn't work. It failed." He said, "I like the sound of 'it didn't work' a lot better than 'it failed.'" To which I replied, "But it's true. It did fail. And it could be worse, I could say 'they all died' instead." He laughed at that and said I was right. He has a good sense of humor. It's a good thing because I need to find some humor in my life right now. Everything has been so sad.

Ok, so maybe if Garmy can make a comeback, so can I. He's almost all the way charged up and still showing the correct time. Maybe when I unplug him he will work all on his own. Maybe I just need to plug in and get recharged for a while. Who knows!

My Garmin is Dead

How appropriate. My Garmin watch won't turn on. Won't take a charge. I think its heart is broken because it was cast to the side.

I'm going for a short, light, easy run today with or without my Garmin. I haven't run since October 2nd. That last run was three miles with Amanda. She filled me in about her vacation to Vegas and the status of our runner friends from Team Bacon. I filled her in on the plans for the cycle. She has been waiting in the wings for my NYC Marathon bib. I'll have to call her to make plans to go to the expo with her that weekend. I have to go to show my ID to get the bib. And then I'll hand it over to her. And I'll probably cry.

I made an appointment with a therapist for this evening. I was talking to him on the phone when scheduling the appointment, and he asked why I was seeking therapy. I could hardly make it through a sentence without crying. I am welling up even just typing this. I am sure I will spend the entire session in tears.

Well, I was able to jiggle my Garmen so that now the screen has changed while it is connected to the charger. It's still not doing what it is supposed to do. But at least it is doing something.

BFN

I had my beta this morning, and even though I knew in my heart that it was negative, it still hurt like hell when the doctor told me over the phone that the pregnancy test was negative. 

The doctors will have a meeting on Monday night to discuss all of the new and failed IVF cases. Our case will be discussed and analyzed step by step to figure out why it failed. We will then meet with our doctor next week to discuss the results.

In the meantime, I am to stop taking Estrace & progesterone (thank god), and in a few days I will have a period.

Before this cycle, I decided that I would give my NYC Marathon spot to a friend if this failed. I hoped that it wouldn't come to this... but it seems that it has. I don't want to give away my spot. I want to keep it and run the race next year. But I know that's not a good plan. The real hope is that I will become pregnant and then I'll be in no shape to run a marathon on November 2, 2014. Dammmmmmit. I even got onto the upper level of the Verrazano Bridge this time. 

The doctor said that I can start running again. But I feel things happening in my ovaries, and I'm afraid to go right now. I will probably wait a day or two and see how I feel. Even when I do go for a run again, it's not like I can go out for a long time. I'm going to have to start from square one and build up from nothing. I am not looking forward to that process. Being demoted to beginner status, when I have 10 marathons under my belt... a PR of 3:42:54. That's an average of 8:30 minutes per mile... I don't even know if I could run one mile at that pace right now.

I never knew about my strengths until I became a runner. And then infertility took them all away. Bitch. I will get them back. I will be stronger and faster after all of this. I will feel invincible again. Like I am flying. But today... today, I grieve. I grieve the loss of two dreams in one day.