Monday, June 9, 2014

Deja Vu

AGAIN!! I can't believe it! Though, I guess given the circumstance, I should not be shocked.

I'm at work, tracking down kids to let them know about a schedule change. I walk into a 6th Grade classroom to deliver the note to one of my clarinet students. And what's on the screen? The health lesson. You know, THE health lesson. There's the perfect little female reproductive system with the perfect little fertilized egg floating down the perfect little Fallopian tube on its way to the perfect little uterus. So perfectly easy, right guys?!?!?


Same deal as last year (here's the blog link if you'd care to review). And ironically the SAME EXACT POINT in my cycle. Well, last time it was 2dpIUI #1... this time it's 3dpIUI #5.

So much has happened in this year. When I read back last year's post... wow. My tone is genuinely optimistic. I really thought that there was a shot that all this would've worked. One year, five IUIs, three IVF ERs, two IVF transfers, and one laparoscopy later... I'm over it! I am not so foolish to invest my heart this time around. I know where we stand.

I don't mean to sound completely negative. I'm not over here crying my eyes out day in and day out. All things considered, I'm back to living my life (something that I was not doing from September through March of this year). Though I did have a serious wake up call this weekend. Somehow, my head was so far up my ute that I missed out on some pretty important details. Thankfully, I have an understanding family. But still. Holy shit.

I spent so long singing Mumford & Sons's I Will Wait as my anthem for our TTC journey. You know what? I am done waiting. I can't let my life pass me by and sit around here praying for a miracle. If it is meant to come, it will come. And if it does, I will be overjoyed. But for now, I have to carry on.


  1. How frustrating! You have such a good attitude about things though. Thinking of you lots and hoping your miracle is right around the corner. <3

    1. Thanks, TTU. I can't do anything but laugh! The school nurse probably didn't understand the reaction 100% but she was amused :)

  2. Oh how awful to walk into a lesson on that topic of all things. Glad you could see the funny side afterwards- it's always good to have a sense of humour. I know if I didn't laugh sometimes I'd cry so I try for the former rather than the latter where possible. I totally relate to the loss of optimism...ignorance is bliss I think but experience is a more realistic teacher. Sending big hugs anyway- I hope it helps that there are others out here on a similar journey xoxoxo

    1. It does and it doesn't help to know that there are others out there, like you, who are on a similar path. It helps to know that I'm not alone (and a total freak, even though I feel like I am many days!). But it pains me to know that others are struggling like this too.