Sunday, June 1, 2014

The Plan

Ay, ay, ay. Let me tell you: the power of a solid plan is a wonderful thing. The problem? Our plan sucks.

About three weeks ago, I had one of those sleepless nights when my brain just wouldn't shut off. I decided what I thought was a genius plan. John even woke up, listened to the plan, agreed it was good, and rolled back to sleep. The next morning, I asked if he remembered the conversation, he said he did and he thought it was great. Ok, so we had a plan.

As it turns out, it wasn't The Plan. It seemed like every other day, I had a sudden panic stricken realization that I hated the plan. Are we headed down a dead end? Is this going to be a waste of valuable resources? Time, money, energy? I started to notice along with these questions that I just want a baby in my arms. Now. Yesterday!! I am so, completely exhausted of being in crisis mode. I just want this chapter to be over. I want to move on and resume the otherwise happy life I once lived.

But it's not that simple. Because I simply cannot imagine living a full and happy life without becoming a mother. So we must press on.

But how? Where do you go after the most aggressive form of baby-making fails you? IVF was supposed to be the last resort that should have worked. We were stunned when IVF #1 failed. We were absolutely blindsided when IVF #2 produced not a single transfer-worthy embryo by Day 3. We were heartbroken that our one and only blastocyst from IVF #3 failed to implant from our FET.

It is clear that this isn't working. The definition of insanity... Well, you get it. More IVF and more IUIs is just insane.

I have learned though the many running accomplishments I have made to never say never. I remember the days I said, I could never run a marathon! I could never run a 5K in under 24 minutes! I could never break 4 hours in the marathon! I have run 10 marathons, I have run a 21:45 5K, I have run a 3:42:54 marathon. Never.say.never.

But I find myself saying at this point that I never want to do IVF again. It has been so traumatizing... The time from ER to ET... Watching them all die... Knowing how expensive it is and how there's nothing we can do to fix it.... I cannot put myself into that situation again and expect to come out sane on the other side. It makes me sick to even imagine doing another IVF.

So what next? How are we supposed to overcome this great obstacle set in our path? What will The Plan be?

16 comments:

  1. Huge hugs! Healing can take a long time and you seem like you've come such a long way. I hope your plan finds you soon.

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    1. Thanks Nicole :) I *think* we have the plan, but I'm not a fan of having to wait for it. Money sucks!!!

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  2. first of all, i'm so sort for the place you are in. it sucks. bad. i hate sleepless nights like that.

    what does your doctor recommend? i knew it was time to move on when our doctor pretty much said we could keep banging our head against the wall or try donor eggs. sometimes just determining your next move makes you feel better even if you have to wait a little while.

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    1. It depends on the doctor. One doc proposed a plan for IVF with my eggs and told us he estimated a 15% success rate. The other doc said that he thought that was too generous and optimistic. Realistically speaking, we don't have the money (or emotional reserve) to do endless IVF cycles until we maybe get lucky.

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  3. I am so sorry. IF sucks, it is so incredibly unfair and total bullshit. You have been through such much and you deserve a child, your child. I really hope that you find a plan that you are comfortable with and that will bring you happiness.

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    1. Thank you for saying that, Leslie <3 Even though I'm feeling impatient and hopeless at times, I do believe something's going to work out at some point. And when it does, we'll say, this is exactly the way it was supposed to be, we can't imagine it any other way. Until then, we must persevere!!

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  4. I'm so sorry you're in this position. While I love that there are so many options, it's so hard when not one of the options jumps out and seems right. Wishing you and your H the best of luck as you go through this process. I hope you're able to find a decision that you're both happy with. And moreover, I hope you find a decision that ends up with your baby in your arms. <3

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    1. Thank you, Packer <3 I have never been good at making decisions. And I reeeeeally stink at waiting. I feel like I'm being tested!! Come on already!! Haven't I proven myself by now?!? Sigh. It'll sort itself out somehow!!

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  5. 'IVF was supposed to be the last resort that should have worked.' This really hit home, but remember that's just because when you first start looking at IVF you don't know how many other options there are.
    Take the time you need, your perfect plan will come to you - I think it's close!

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    1. Thanks Geordie <3 Sometimes I feel like it is option overload! We'll figure it out :)

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  6. Im so sorry Run. You're such a driven person and I'm sure the lack of logic that is infertility is incredibly frustrating. For anything else you just have to work harder, or smarter or better and it doesn't work that way with IVF. It drives me nuts. I hope you find the plan that helps you to achieve the family you deserve to have. I know it's a difficult process looking at other options but I hope you find something that can give you hope and a focus to work towards. Sending big hugs xoxo

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    1. It is frustrating, TTC. I feel so helpless and that there's nothing to do. Finding hope is key, so I'll keep looking and waiting.

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  7. It reminds me of what that certain someone told you -- ONLY YOU WILL KNOW WHAT'S NEXT AND WHEN THE RIGHT TIME IS. It will just click. For now, take control of what you can -- I will help you enjoy those things: running, painting, more running, freezing foods, even more running... I hope you see the pattern here. Love you lots.

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    1. Soooo much running!! Love you, Soley <3

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  8. I am so sorry you find yourself here. I can only imagine how discouraging it must be to be back at IUIs after all you have been through. I am rooting for you so hard and hoping with every fiber of my being that you will get your miracle this cycle. <3 <3

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    1. Yeah, discouraging is the right way to put it. I have absolutely no hope in these IUIs, but I appreciate that you're holding onto it for me. I wouldn't turn away a miracle!! But at the same time, I have to keep my guard up because my heart can't handle the ups and downs like it used to. Sending love, TTU!

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