Friday, November 1, 2013

Picking Up the Pieces

I am broken. Shattered. Every single piece of me; body, mind, heart, and soul is scattered in a million little pieces.

Every day is a battle. At times, it seems like I don't have the energy to fight back. It feels like I am laying down, and letting the universe kick the shit out of me.

Fortunately, those stretches of time are getting shorter. A week ago... I was down and out for the count. I was so heartbroken... I can honestly say that I had no hope. None whatsoever.

But today... I'm still broken. I'm still in a million separate pieces. But I'm picking them up one by one, and trying to put them back together the way they belong.

Even on the days when I felt no hope, I have still been taking my PNVs. I have really come to resent those two pill bottles. First of all, why are they called ONE-a-day PNVs if I have to take TWO pills? What a hoax. But more importantly, every time I twist the bottles open and take them out, I think, "What's the point?" But something deep down inside convinces me to swallow them down every day.

Today when I was taking my PNVs, I realized something: even on my darkest days, I still have hope. Even on the days when I thought I had no hope, I had hope. I didn't even know it, but how else would I have swallowed down my PNVs in the face of BFN after BFN?

I am broken, but I am not hopeless. And for now, that's ok.


  1. I <3 you.You are one of the strongest and most positive people I know. "Broken but not hopeless" is hard - SO hard - harder than can be put into words, but it means there is still light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so glad to hear that. It WILL get better. Piece by piece you will be whole again and the hope will grow brighter and brighter. And in the meantime, we're all here for you to try to either boost you up or at least to keep you in good company if we're in the dregs too. No matter how awful you feel, always remember that there are a LOT of people who care about you and are rooting for you every step of the way. <3