I am broken. Shattered. Every single piece of me; body, mind, heart, and soul is scattered in a million little pieces.
Every day is a battle. At times, it seems like I don't have the energy to fight back. It feels like I am laying down, and letting the universe kick the shit out of me.
Fortunately, those stretches of time are getting shorter. A week ago... I was down and out for the count. I was so heartbroken... I can honestly say that I had no hope. None whatsoever.
But today... I'm still broken. I'm still in a million separate pieces. But I'm picking them up one by one, and trying to put them back together the way they belong.
Even on the days when I felt no hope, I have still been taking my PNVs. I have really come to resent those two pill bottles. First of all, why are they called ONE-a-day PNVs if I have to take TWO pills? What a hoax. But more importantly, every time I twist the bottles open and take them out, I think, "What's the point?" But something deep down inside convinces me to swallow them down every day.
Today when I was taking my PNVs, I realized something: even on my darkest days, I still have hope. Even on the days when I thought I had no hope, I had hope. I didn't even know it, but how else would I have swallowed down my PNVs in the face of BFN after BFN?
I am broken, but I am not hopeless. And for now, that's ok.