Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Proud Auntie :)

I got a text from my brother last night announcing that he and my SIL were heading to the hospital. SIL will be induced in just over an hour from now, and hopefully my nephew will arrive safe and sound very shortly! 

I am thrilled to become an aunt again. I love all of my awesome nephews and nieces (even the "step-step-niece" who isn't technically my niece, but I consider her to be one). They are all blessings and they fill our family's lives with joy.

When you are dealing with infertility, however, joyous events like this are a little tainted. It's not that I don't feel happy for my brothers and sisters as they build their families. It's just that it is a reminder for me about how sad I feel that we are still waiting for our blessing.

I cannot believe that SIL has gone through an entire pregnancy already. I still remember the day that my brother announced the news at Easter dinner... I was so blindsided. I did my best to act happy in the initial moments as the news hit me in the face. I even managed to feign a smile and squeak out a "Congratulations!!" Then as the conversation moved away from my pathetic reaction, I quietly excused myself to "go to the bathroom." In reality, I grabbed my wine and went straight for the front porch. I couldn't keep the tears from spilling out, and I didn't want my family to see.

I guess my acting skills just stink, because it wasn't even thirty seconds before my brother was out on the porch with me. Ugh... now the tears were gushing out, and I had an audience... and worst yet, my brother was on the receiving end. I didn't want to cry to him because I didn't want to take away from his happy moment. But he left me no choice because he followed me out there. 

God bless him, he tried to make me feel better and smooth things over. And he really seemed to be understanding, and didn't seem to be upset at my reaction. This all happened about two weeks before we were scheduled to do our diagnostic cycle with the RE. To say that I was emotionally frail would be an understatement.

My brother tried his best, but then put his foot in his mouth when he said that I was "overreacting to the situation." It came out wrong, it wasn't what he meant, but it sent me into hysterical sobbing. I think he was trying to comfort me and tell me that everything would eventually be ok... but put into those words, I couldn't handle hearing any more.

Now here we are, nine months later... and the baby will be born any time now. I can't believe that we are still not pregnant... we don't even have the possibility of a "happy and healthy nine months" before we can say that we are finally parents. 

It makes me so sad... I know that some way, somehow, it will happen. But when?? Will they be genetically related to me and my husband? Will we have to pursue some other way? 

In spite of the above emotions, I was doing an amazing job of making it through my day. I had a great lesson with the Concert Band at work, and I was texting my brother to offer help and ask for updates. I was genuinely happy, and somehow at peace with the situation. Then I saw this...

This is the first thing that popped up in my News Feed.
I don't know why it surprised me so much!!
::stab to the heart:: I want to be part of the club too!!! I want to be a mother... I want to make my parents proud and produce a grandchild... I want my children to be close in age with their cousins... I just want my babies RIGHT NOW!!!! :(

I'm taking a deep breath and moving on with my day. In about three minutes, I'll have five eager flute students bursting through the door anxiously awaiting their lesson with Mrs. Z. I have to push all of this aside and find my inner warrior.


  1. Sorry you are struggling. I can relate. As much as I want to be happy for others when they get their bfp, I can't help but be sad for myself. I think it is even harder when it is a family member and everyone around you is so excited for them.

    Sending you big ((HUGS)).

  2. I can so relate to you hearing about your brother's announcement, if you remember, I was msging you while hiding in the basement sobbing, and chugging some wine! I think it is totally understandable to feel the mix of emotions you do. Of course you're happy for them and happy to be an aunt (being an aunt is so amazing!) but that doesn't make the ache in your heart lessen.

    You are strong, you are a warrior and I believe with my whole heart that you will be an amazing mother. I sincerely hope that time comes real soon, I am crossing everything for you!!! <3 <3 <3

  3. Congrats on becoming an aunt again...even though it is rough. I hope you will be in that club soon! IVF#2=lucky #2!