Let me just start this post by saying that I really am ok. I'm not spiraling out of control or cascading down the slippery slope of depression. Consider yourself warned, this post is going to be whiney as all hell. And I'm not filtering any of the yucky negative thoughts, so I'm sorry in advance if it's hard for anyone to read. I'm just...
FUCKING SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!
When is it going to be MY TURN? At this point, I really feel like the answer to that question is NEVER.
You know, I was doing so well the past several weeks... all summer long really. I honestly and truly repressed the pain that infertility brings and did a really great job of focusing on other positive things in my life. I put the baby brain aside and was able to focus on spending quality time with my friends and family (all of whom have children and/or are pregnant). I buried myself in my marathon training, I let myself get consumed by my house projects. I was happy and light again. I was free.
The negative thoughts all got triggered on Saturday. It's a long, complicated story... I'll spare you the boring details, long story short: my one and only frenemy got her first BFP.... Whatever, I really am happy for her, and hope that this is the real thing. But WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. This was IUI #2, the first that was medicated. It's not fair! It sucks that she had to go through infertility at all, but I'm just jealous that it was "so easy" for her (I know that no IF journey is ever easy... it doesn't matter if it takes three IVFs or if you get lucky on your first IUI... this shit is still hard. Just... play along with me here, cause it's my pity party and I'll whine if I want to).
I mean... are you kidding me?? Why do some people get to swallow a few clomid pills (and she didn't even have any side effects... lucky) and take ONE, that's right ONLY ONE, injection and get KTFU??? Why do some people get the luxury of a fun romp in the sack with nothing but the cost of a bottle of wine and find themselves shocked when they finally have the bright idea to POAS??
NONE OF THIS IS FAIR.
When you first start TTC, I think it's only natural to feel the sting of jealousy when other people announce their happy news. But then you rationalize to yourself, 'it could be my turn next and besides, she didn't take my baby from me.' Then when you start to realize that you're having Trouble-TTC, you think, 'ok, so we need a little help from the doctor to make this happen... hopefully we'll get lucky and this will happen in the first IUI or two.' And then when you try enough IUIs to realize that you have to move onto IVF you think, 'well, at least we're trying something new with a much higher chance of success... this should actually work!!'
But what happens when it doesn't work?
That's a thought that I was too afraid to ponder for a long time. I used to shake it off telling myself, 'that's a negative thought and I don't need to bring myself down with destructive thinking... besides, the chances of nothing working for us... well, that's not going to happen.'
Well, I guess the joke's on me. Because now here we are two and a half years later, one and a half spent with the RE, with nothing but BFNs to show from all of our well-timed natural cycles, 5-1/2 IUIs, and 3 IVF cycles.
So that brings me to the question: what happens if nothing works? We're going all out for this next (and most likely last) cycle. I don't want to recall the long list of doctors who have looked at my vagina and case, but it's l-o-n-g. We're not going to make our move until we have all of the information set out in front of us. It's going to be fully and fairly considered. We will have done our due diligence.
THIS BETTER FUCKING WORK.
And if it doesn't? Ugh. It just makes me sick to think of it. So I won't.
All of that to say, I'm fine with being the last person in line. And at this rate, I see that I really, truly am. But when our number is finally called, there had better be something left for us besides heartache.
END RANT. If you read all of the above and don't think that I'm a horrible brat, then I've got Ben & Jerry's and I am willing to share.