Ninja Nostalgia

I will never, ever forget about our precious Ninja, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her. Our precious little Ninja might have only existed as a blastocyst for a few weeks, but she represented all of our hopes and dreams while she was with us. She still does. I love her and miss her. I pray that she comes back to us someday in some shape or form.

I should be honest here and admit that the Reading Room is truly dedicated to Ninja. Sure, it's my special room in the house, and I'm making all the decisions for how to decorate the space. But I'm doing it all for Ninja. And my grandmother. And for my heart.

I plan to turn the largest wall in the room into my personal art gallery. I have a vision. It is a bit difficult to describe, so just take my word: it's going to be fabulous. I want to display my paintings in a special way, and I can't think of any better place than the Reading Room's Art Gallery. Maybe I'll even go so far as to make a plaque that dedicates the room in Ninja's honor. Maybe I already did that with my most recent painting (pictured below).

Sigh. I love you, Ninja! I always will!

The Reading Room

Travel back in time with me to learn the history of our Reading Room ;)

June 18, 2012 - we closed on our dream house after quite the struggle to sell our condo and find a new home. We were living in John's mother's old apartment (in a 55+ community...) while we were house hunting, and 75% of our belongings had been in the moving company's warehouse since January.

June 20, 2012 - moving day!!! We decided the Reading Room would be a nursery someday, and over time it became the dusty storage room. We kept the door closed because I didn't want to see all of our junk.

June 29, 2012 - the hardwood floors in the house were stripped and refinished. They went from drab to fab :)

April 10, 2013 - we saw the RE for the first time. The door stayed firmly shut on the Should-be-a-Nursery as it was too painful to think of the shouldas and wouldas. Every BFN and failed cycle opened the wound.

The Should-be-a-Nursery quickly became a catch-all

So much stuff...

April 22, 2014 - the day we said goodbye to Ninja, our BFN :( John & I decided in the hour of receiving the news that we needed to take control of the Should-be-a-Nursery and turn it into something else... Something useful for us right now rather than a sad reminder of what hasn't happened for us. 

Purple is my favorite color. It has always made me think of my grandmother.

Look at all the work we did in one day!! 

July 7, 2014 - paint in progress!!

Accent wall!! I love this deep, rich purple!!

John & I made a super team. He rolled the paint, and I cut the room. 

July 21, 2014 - we learned how to install new baseboards!

August 1, 2014 - I started searching for the perfect chair to relax in. We already have four recliners in the family room, but I wanted something that would rock or move. So I found a stunning white glider with gray damask on eBay. Only problem was that it was astronomically expensive!!! A few weeks later, I found a knock-off at Target.com!! And was able to get the matching ottoman for cheaper than just the chair on eBay!!!

September 14, 2014 - the chair and ottoman were delivered earlier in the week, and we moved it in! Looks perfect!! This room is now declared the Reading Room!

September 20, 2014 - decorating!!! I got a fancy crystal lamp and mirror accent table... Completely not my usual style, but wow!! I love it!!

I guess I'm fancier than I realized! I was texting Renee from the store and she reassured
me that the lamp & table were perfect. I'm glad she did, because WOW!! I love it!!

Lights on!!

This mirror will look fabulous... now, where to put it??

There's still a bit to do before the room is complete, but it's already so special to me. I'd like to hang the valences, get a bookcase, decorate with a few nicknacks, and hang some art on the walls. I have a few paintings that will be displayed on the main wall that the chair is facing. So the Reading Room will also function as my personal Art Gallery!! I'm so excited, and I love it so much!!!

Ramblings

::tap tap tap:: Is this thing on??

So, yeah, I've been sorta MIA around here, and the last time I checked in wasn't exactly pretty. But things are better, and busier than ever now that we're back to school. I ran the marathon two weeks ago, and it was challenging but incredibly rewarding.

I feel like so much has happened, yet there's not really much to report. We are getting closer and closer to our follow-up with Dr. KK. 8 days to go!

I have been running a lot. And it has been so wonderful to have that back in my life. I have one more race to complete of my 9+1 and then I'll be guaranteed a spot in next year's NYC Marathon. Rachel & I set an aggressive yet reasonable goal for our next race: run the Staten Island Half Marathon in 1:53:00 on October 12th. This past week, I did a 5K time trial on the track (23:17!!) and a race pace run on Thursday (8:31, 8:28, 8:31). Tomorrow, we're going to go out and run 20 miles.

Why exactly am I running 20 miles when my marathon is behind me? Well, Rachel has a spot in this year's NYC Marathon... and it looks like I do too!! Things are still up in the air. I need to ask Dr. KK if running a marathon will have any impact on doing an IUI or IVF cycle (I have no clue what she'll recommend for us...). I also need to finalize the details with my friend who has the bib. Regardless, I told Rachel that I'd help her train, so that's what I'm going to do!

I went out shopping today and found a lamp and accent table to go in the new Reading Room along with my new chair. After our FET failed, John and I decided to clean out the bedroom that we'd been saving for a nursery. The mountain of stuff in there needed to go! So out it went, and we painted the walls purple. I ordered a beautiful gliding chair with a matching ottoman, and ever since it has been delivered last week I've been gliding to my heart's content. The lamp and accent table are perfect!! Much to my surprise, all this stuff is so fancy... the lamp has crystals... the table has mirrors... the chair and ottoman are white with a gray demask pattern. It's really not my style, but for some reason it just feels right for this very special room.

The Ugly Truth About Being Last

Let me just start this post by saying that I really am ok. I'm not spiraling out of control or cascading down the slippery slope of depression. Consider yourself warned, this post is going to be whiney as all hell. And I'm not filtering any of the yucky negative thoughts, so I'm sorry in advance if it's hard for anyone to read. I'm just...

FUCKING SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!

When is it going to be MY TURN? At this point, I really feel like the answer to that question is NEVER.

You know, I was doing so well the past several weeks... all summer long really. I honestly and truly repressed the pain that infertility brings and did a really great job of focusing on other positive things in my life. I put the baby brain aside and was able to focus on spending quality time with my friends and family (all of whom have children and/or are pregnant). I buried myself in my marathon training, I let myself get consumed by my house projects. I was happy and light again. I was free.

The negative thoughts all got triggered on Saturday. It's a long, complicated story... I'll spare you the boring details, long story short: my one and only frenemy got her first BFP.... Whatever, I really am happy for her, and hope that this is the real thing. But WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. This was IUI #2, the first that was medicated. It's not fair! It sucks that she had to go through infertility at all, but I'm just jealous that it was "so easy" for her (I know that no IF journey is ever easy... it doesn't matter if it takes three IVFs or if you get lucky on your first IUI... this shit is still hard. Just... play along with me here, cause it's my pity party and I'll whine if I want to).

I mean... are you kidding me?? Why do some people get to swallow a few clomid pills (and she didn't even have any side effects... lucky) and take ONE, that's right ONLY ONE, injection and get KTFU??? Why do some people get the luxury of a fun romp in the sack with nothing but the cost of a bottle of wine and find themselves shocked when they finally have the bright idea to POAS??

NONE OF THIS IS FAIR.

When you first start TTC, I think it's only natural to feel the sting of jealousy when other people announce their happy news. But then you rationalize to yourself, 'it could be my turn next and besides, she didn't take my baby from me.' Then when you start to realize that you're having Trouble-TTC, you think, 'ok, so we need a little help from the doctor to make this happen... hopefully we'll get lucky and this will happen in the first IUI or two.' And then when you try enough IUIs to realize that you have to move onto IVF you think, 'well, at least we're trying something new with a much higher chance of success... this should actually work!!'

But what happens when it doesn't work?

That's a thought that I was too afraid to ponder for a long time. I used to shake it off telling myself, 'that's a negative thought and I don't need to bring myself down with destructive thinking... besides, the chances of nothing working for us... well, that's not going to happen.'

Well, I guess the joke's on me. Because now here we are two and a half years later, one and a half spent with the RE, with nothing but BFNs to show from all of our well-timed natural cycles, 5-1/2 IUIs, and 3 IVF cycles.

So that brings me to the question: what happens if nothing works? We're going all out for this next (and most likely last) cycle. I don't want to recall the long list of doctors who have looked at my vagina and case, but it's l-o-n-g. We're not going to make our move until we have all of the information set out in front of us. It's going to be fully and fairly considered. We will have done our due diligence.

THIS BETTER FUCKING WORK.

And if it doesn't? Ugh. It just makes me sick to think of it. So I won't.

All of that to say, I'm fine with being the last person in line. And at this rate, I see that I really, truly am. But when our number is finally called, there had better be something left for us besides heartache.

END RANT. If you read all of the above and don't think that I'm a horrible brat, then I've got Ben & Jerry's and I am willing to share.