The world is whizzing by, and I am stuck in an endless pit of incredible pain. Dramatic? Yes, but that's what it feels like.
I have come to accept that I will be the last one in every possible social circle to have a chance at motherhood if that blessing is ever bestowed upon me. So I guess if I have to be last, then I should be ok with everyone else moving on. It's not that easy.
I am slowly and painfully working my way through the stages of grief. Anger, denial and depression - very much depression - back and forth, over and over. I tend to get stuck the longest on depression. Bargaining has never been my thing, and acceptance seems so far away.
We have some options with how to proceed. They are confusing and unfavorable and I feel like my mind is sprinting in 20 different directions. Everything sucks right now.
I'm so sorry that things are so difficult right now. I wish I had some magical advice that could make everything better for you. All I can say with certainty is that you are not alone, even if you feel that way, we're here to love you, support you and help pick you up when you feel you can't keep going. You are one of the strongest women I have met, you are a warrior, and I know that you will get through this, in your own time, you can't rush this, as much as you may want to. Sending lots of love and praying for strength and peace for you <3
ReplyDelete<3 thank you for picking me up time & time again
DeleteSending big hugs. I am right there with you dear, and sending my love.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are in pain too, Chickin. I'm sending you lots of love
DeleteI wish there was a way to move beyond the helplessness. You will make it out of the dark, I promise. If you need help during this time - don't be afraid or ashamed to seek it out. Big (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThanks Kati. It's a strange thing, this time around I rationally know what is going on. It's just a matter of letting my heart run through it. Though this time is different because it seems we are at the end of a chapter. Holy hell, that is scary.
DeleteBig ((((hugs)))) CC. I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. The grief after a failed cycle- especially with so much riding on it- is so intense and all-consuming that it feels like it will never end. After my last cycle I thought I would never feel happy again but with time and enough drug free days you do start to feel moments of happiness again. I promise. Even options that were once upsetting and unimaginable can be seen in a different light. While no path is easy and without its challenges I hope you feel comfort in the fact that there are others on a similar journey. We feel your pain, your grief and your hope and we will be with you along the next part of your story xoxox
ReplyDeleteThank you, TTC. It's so strange that there ARE stretches of time of genuine happiness. There are moments when I imagine us taking our next steps, and I'm ok with it. And then there are moments where I'm just depressed. It's hard to believe that this is real life. But I know I'll keep moving on. What other choice is there?
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