Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Broken Dreams...

Frostie Ninja is no more... Ninja is gone. Our dream, our miracle embryo, ceases to exist. We had 7+ glorious weeks from the time of ER to FET. During that time, we had so much which we thought was lost forever. We had hope, dreams, and the joy of our imaginations for what might have been. 

April 13th was the day when we met our precious Ninja once again. We watched with hope and joy in our hearts as the embryologist loaded Ninja into the catheter. I even saw the little white blur on the ultrasound screen as the doctor transferred Ninja into my uterus. It looked like a little shooting star, and I don't have to tell you what I wished for. 

Every 11:11, every prayer, every opportunity to make a wish has been for our beautiful Ninja. It breaks our hearts that our plea hasn't been heard. 

On April 22nd, John & I gathered around my phone as we listened to our nurse tell us that she was sorry, it was negative, my beta was zero, and I was not pregnant. 

What now? What could we possibly do now that our hearts are so truly broken? I don't know. The past week has been filled with heartache, tears, and grief. The pain ebbs and flows. Sometimes, we have a period of a few hours which is filled with smiles and laughter. The next moment, I am sobbing and so completely broken. We had truly believed that Ninja was finally the one. How are we possibly going to recover from this great loss?

At this point, there is not much to say. Which is probably why I have been absent from this blog. I wish I were here reporting happier news. I am still in disbelief that this is real life. How can it all be so unfair? 

The love, hugs, support and space from my dear ones has been overwhelming. Thank you for giving us what we need to work through this terrible nightmare. It will take us more time to figure things out. It will be slow and painful. But we will persevere. I don't know what the future has in store for us... But I know somehow we will move through this. And on the other side, we will come out stronger. Better. 

14 comments:

  1. I cannot wait to give you a hug. Sending you my love. Always.

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    1. <3 The feeling is mutual, Chickin. Love you.

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  2. Sending the biggest of hugs! <3 This truly is unfair. :-(

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    1. Thank you for the hug, Jessica <3 It really is so unfair...

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  3. (((hugs))) Sending all my love <3

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    1. Thank you, Jaytee. Lots of love to you too, dear <3

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    1. Thank you, TTU <3 I hope all is well on your end.

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  5. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending you lots of love <3

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  6. You are in my thoughts and prayers, I wish it was easier, I'm sorry for your loss.

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    1. Thank you, Leslie. You are the first person to actually say that (sorry for your loss). I appreciate you putting it that way because this is a huge loss to me. I can't believe Ninja is gone, and even more so that we probably will never have another ninja without a miracle from god.

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  7. I am so sorry. You are strong, you and your husband will find your way out of this dark time together. Hold on to each other. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you, Kati. We are clinging tightly.

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