Rosa's Rose

**trigger/tissue warnings**

Well, I just ugly cried at Micheal's. 

My sister is a talented artist, so I gave her one of the handprints Rosa made at the hospital. She drew a gorgeous pink rose, used the green handprint as a leaf on the rose, and wrote out Rosa's full name in fancy script. It is breathtaking, and it was her Christmas gift to us this year. I cried on Christmas Day when I opened the gift, and have been waiting for a sale so we could get it custom framed (expensive!!!). There's a 60%+20% going on at Michael's this week, so I jumped on it.

I did a little shopping before heading back to the framing counter. I wanted colored pencils for my coloring book, and wanted to get a gift for my niece's birthday. I passed by the aisle with memory books... the baby books were on sale. Deep sigh.

After I got everything I was looking for, I went back to the framing counter. The young lady at the desk was very nice and helpful. I showed her the artwork, and she helped me to pick out a few options. As she was pulling samples, my eyes locked onto the artwork. I could not control myself... The tears just started flowing at the sight of the gorgeous piece. And the thought that this is my reality for Rosa. I don't get to fill a baby book for her... I get to make memorial pieces and mount them in fancy frames. I should be, and am, thankful that I have this beautiful piece of art... But it's just not enough sometimes. I want her. I want Rosa. I want to stroke her soft cheeks, and trace a heart on her face with my finger like I did at the hospital. I want to see that face grow up, and light up with a smile. It's just so, tragically, heartbreakingly unfair.

The framed artwork is going to be magnificent. I picked out the most perfect frame and had it triple matted. Even with the sale, the whole thing cost $260. I don't care about the dollar amount, though wouldn't it be nice to spend it on diapers instead? Sigh. I miss her. I will post a picture of the finished piece when it comes in on February 26th.

God's Delay is Not God's Denial

Good morning, Blog Stalkers :)

I had my surgical hysteroscopy yesterday with Dr. B. All things considered, it went well. My septum was resected, and I had a D&C. I was anticipating a 4 week recovery to heal my lining, but woke up in disbelief and tears asking the nurse if it was true that Dr. B said two months. I don't remember speaking with him, but she confirmed that was indeed what he said. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Another delay!! It's just so hard to be patient after going through everything that we have. 

When they moved me into the second recovery room, my husband joined me and without saying a word, he already knew how I felt about the two month recovery time. He is bummed too. He told me about his conversation with Dr. B, and showed me the pictures from my surgery. The reason for the additional time is because the section where the septum was removed is supposed to be smooth. It's not; the texture is fibrous and rough. So he is recommending two cycles before we proceed with our FET. 

I sulked the rest of the day, and woke up feeling better. I still have some moderate bleeding and cramping, but nothing out of the norm. I did have a strange reaction to either the anesthesia, my autoimmune system being in shock, or anxiety. Starting about 10:00 last night, I had tingling in my hands, arms, feet, and legs. It has eased up, but I still feel it in my feet. I will tell my RE or my nurse when she calls today, and I'll tell my rheumatologist at my appointment on Tuesday. Weird!!