0/40: Dr. KK Part I

0 days until Dr. KK Part I.

40 days until Dr. KK Part II.

Yup, you read that right! Today was my long awaited appointment with Dr. Kwak-Kim!!! It was quite the adventure which included two plane rides, a rental car, a hotel stay in a far-from-home city all by myself just to get my hiney to the office.

All the travel plans went smoothly, and I arrived at the doctor's office first thing this morning with a full bladder and an empty stomach in order to satisfy the requirements for the necessary fasting blood work and ultrasound.

The ultrasounds were first, beginning with the abdominal. After the nurse (technician?) got the images she needed, she mercifully allowed me to empty my bladder before beginning the transvaginal ultrasound.... which took 40 minutes!! It was really very cool to watch the screen as she did her work. She explained that she was measuring the blood flow to my uterus and ovaries during the exam, and wouldn't you know it, there was a quavering line on the screen pulsing along to my heart beat. It was pretty neat to see my blood flow measurements right there in front of my face!

Next, I went for my blood draw and was pleasantly surprised to learn that they 'only' needed 18 vials, not 22 as I originally thought. I offered up my good vein right away, and I'll be damned, righty was not interested in playing along today. At all! The nurse eeked a vial and a half out before my blood simply stopped flowing. Awesome. Thankfully, she was able to find another good vein right next door (who knew that was even there?!) and we successfully got the 18 vials.

I sat down with the physician's assistant next to go over my medical and family history and to get a basic physical exam on record.

Finally I was ushered into the room to see the wizard herself ::cue music from Wizard of Oz:: Dr. KK and another doctor (perhaps a resident?) went over my results from the ultrasounds along with my treatment history. She was soft spoken, yet demonstrated her expertise in an approachable manner. I liked her! I didn't really like everything she had to say about my case, but that has absolutely nothing to do with her (and 100% to do with my busted reproductive system).

THE RESULTS: the ultrasound showed that I have blood flow issues to my uterus. Ironically, the blood flow to my ovaries is fine. Dr. KK was very interested and concerned about my endometrium lining history (max documented thickness was a one-time 8.2, though my lining usually peaks around a 6 or a 7 during medicated cycles. She was particularly concerned about the two cycles where I had fluid in my lining). She said my blood work results may explain our poor embryo quality but said it is likely that there won't be answers there. The blood work should also provide a better picture about my uterus and lining, so now we wait for our follow-up on Sept 29th. We discussed the possibility of doing a natural FET with any potential IVF cycles in order to minimize any negative reactions my lining may have with the estrogen.

HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT THIS?? My head was spinning out of control for about two hours after leaving the office!!!!! Thankfully, my fellow Dreamer & technically now IRL friend, JayTee, was there to help me regain my balance and talk me off the ledge. My immediate reaction was 'what if I wasted Ninja' but JayTee was able to help me stop that destructive thinking.

Then I started to realize that I am more broken than I thought. I have just barely begun to accept that my ovaries are intent on sabotaging our efforts to build a family. Now my uterus is a problem too?? Ugh....

But I am stopping the one way train to crazy town right there. We won't really know what we're dealing with until our follow-up on September 29th, so what's the point of playing the what if game?

I have accepted the fact that my desire to control the timeline doesn't mean a damn thing in this process, and can see that this will surely take longer than I had ever imagined. Fine. So be it. I will wait. And in the meantime, I'm going to go out for lots and lots of runs and live my life as fully as I possibly can!!