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Monday, December 9, 2013

Over.

I was watching the clock, waiting for the seconds to tick by so I could call embryology this morning. I was instructed to call at 8:30am for a report and instructions, so naturally my plan was to dial in at precisely 8:27am.

I did not get that chance. At 8:20am, my phone rang and the caller ID said it was my clinic..... Ok... Maybe the lab is calling me instead? I picked it up and the voice on the other line was my doctor..... My head flashed back to a few months ago when Dr. J told me that if I get a call from him after ER, I should sit down because it is not good news.

The tone in his voice as he said hello said it all. I couldn't keep my voice from sounding instantly strained as I squeaked out one word: "Hi."

He delivered the news quickly and honestly, like tearing off a bandaid. He told me that none of our embryos had grown past two cells, and that there was nothing to transfer.

The tears instantly started flowing as I processed his words. He instructed me to stop all my medications, in a few days I would get a period, the doctor and embryology team would have their meeting to discuss my case tonight, and that I could come in to discuss this further anytime after today.

I controlled my sobbing long enough to ask him what happened... Begged him to tell me exactly what happened to my five embryos. He went through it with me... 14 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 5 fertilized, 2 made it to the cleavage stage and stopped growing, 3 didn't even get that far.

How is this possible? What is the cause of this? Through my tears I asked him these impossible questions. The doctor said that he suspected egg quality, though he wanted to take the time to talk to the embryologist before coming to that conclusion.

We said goodbye. Commence the ugliest cry imaginable. I called John. He was teaching Symphonic Band, but he picked up. He couldn't understand a word I said for at least the first three minutes because I was bawling, gasping, sobbing. Finally I managed to tell him that our embryos were dead and that we were not doing a transfer. Which lead to more sobbing, gasping, hyperventilating. My dogs were gathered around me wondering what was going on... Coda barking, Mocha trying to lick my face.

What do you do after your heart is broken? Again?

12 comments:

  1. Cici, my heart is absolutely broken for you. This isn't fair. I hope they can come up with some answers for you. Lots of love coming your way! <3

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  2. Cici, I wish so much I could wrap my arms around you and give you a huge hug. This is so not fair, I am so sorry you had to get that phone call this morning. I am here for you, for anything you need. Sending all my love and strength your way <3 <3 <3

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  3. I am heartbroken for you, Cici. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. There are simply no words. We are all here for you if you need anything. Wish I could give you a real hug but since I am so far away an internet hug will have to do. ((HUGS)) Keeping you in my T&P.

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  4. I'm so heartbroken and so sorry that this happened to you. I wish there was something that I could do or say to help lessen the pain. Sending lots of love and hugs your way <3

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  5. Reading this makes me cry all over again for you, this is heart breaking news. You're so good and this journey is so hard and so unfair, I wish there was a way we could take away the pain and give you back your embryos. Please don't lose hope, remember we're all here for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers! Sending you big hugs and lots of positive thoughts. <3

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  6. Cici, I can't even imagine the pain you are in right now. I wish I could help or hug you or do anything. This is so heartbreaking and so unfair. I'm so sorry. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call. I love you and you guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  7. So absolutely unfair. I am so so so sorry. I know that nothing can take away your pain so just know I'm giving you BIG virtual (((Hugs)))

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  8. So so sorry, so completely unfair. (((hugs)))I wish there was something to do or say to give you some comfort. You're in my thoughts <3

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  9. You know I love you. I so wish there was something I could do to make this all just be a bad dream. I can't wait I hug you for real... Until then I will always be sending you my love and strength. I'm so sorry dear. (((Hugs)))

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  10. Stay strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys. Sending you lots of hugs.

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  11. I'm so sorry Cici. I am crying with you. I wish there was something I could say or do to make this all just go away. I'm so so sorry. Huge ginormous hugs coming your way <3 <3 <3

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  12. Cici, I am so so so sorry. Like others have said, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I know I can't. HUGE hug coming your way. Take all the time you need to grieve. FU IF.

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