Signs...

I went to church this morning and I prayed extra hard. I listed my blessings... I am thankful for so much. I was forthcoming with what I want (you don't have to think hard about that one!!). I asked God to be clear. Send me a sign. If there is something that I still need to learn or do before we can get to the next level... just tell me. We'll see how that goes.

The days between ER and ET are the most difficult, excruciating days. I am doing everything in my power to fight off the negative chatter in my mind. I'm trying to keep myself from thinking the worst... It is very, very challenging.

I was actually doing a decent job of keeping myself together. I spent the whole day on the couch yesterday. I was so uncomfortable... yuck. Today, thankfully, I feel better. I went to church, met with a few girlfriends for manicures and lunch (LOVE YOU, JERSEY DREAMERS!!), picked up some groceries, and had a nice, long chat with a dear friend. I was doing great!

And then I opened my email and saw this...

The email I got tonight.... And the pineapple whose core will be consumed! STICKY NINJAS!!

Yeah, that pretty much unglued me. Thank god for the beautiful and lovely Jersey Dreamers. They listened to me cry... Why is God doing this to me? What did I do that was so wrong? What am I supposed to learn from this so that I can just get to the next level???

I wish that I hadn't read this email tonight... during this very frail time when I'm just hoping that my embryos are still alive. I wish that she would have told me a week ago. Or a week later. But I have no control over when people announce their happy news.

Maybe that's what I am supposed to be learning from this... that things are tough right now, but life goes on. Even though I am stuck, the rest of the world is moving on. Maybe God is testing me to show me how strong I really am.

Whatever the case may be, I am putting this out there. It has been vented. And now, I'm walking away from it. I am going to go do my Circle+Bloom, and move on. I need to focus on my embryos, my transfer, my family.

::breathe in:: ... ::breathe out::