Jumble

My thoughts are a jumbled mess and I can't take it anymore! I'm losing sleep, and have a constant knot in my stomach and lump in my throat when I'm awake. I don't know what to do.

John & I made the decision to move onto IVF before IUI#4 got canceled. Now that we've been downgraded to TI, I'm thinking that we need to reconsider that decision. I know it's such a personal choice, and that there's no wrong answer... but in general, I've always been the most indecisive person in the history of the world. This is killing me.

This is my brain without a solid Plan B :-/

I feel like I'm tormenting myself much in the same way as when we were considering the laparoscopy. Something that really helped me then was to just write it all out. So here I go:

IUI + Injects Pros

1. Cheaper
2. Less invasive
3. 30% chance of success

IUI + Injects Cons

1. 70% chance of failure
2. History of beautiful response to meds with no success

IVF Pros

1. 50-60% success rate
2. I believe this will work
3. My response to the meds from this cycle show that I'll get a lot of eggs from an IVF cycle.

IVF Cons

1. More expensive
2. More invasive
3. Are we jumping to this too soon??

Ok, so even after doing all of the above, my head still feels like this:

Here's what I am seeing from looking over the above. It is clear from my past four medicated cycles and laparoscopy that my body would do well with IVF. There are three main factors to consider:

1. Success Rate
2. Money
3. Comfort Level (in terms of our emotional status as well as willingness to be aggressive with treatments)

The success rate is obvious. IVF wins over IUI. Money is thankfully not too big of an issue due to our insurance. We are so fortunate to have outstanding coverage. We will still have to pay for a portion OOP, and obviously we will have to pay more for IVF than IUI, but we are in the financial position where money doesn't have to be a deciding factor. I suppose this means it all comes down to our comfort level.

And that's when my head starts to do this again: 

In terms of the physical aspect, I have already dealt with a lot of pain trying to get pregnant. Yesterday's O pains were at an all-time high; I literally cried from the pain, it was so extreme. But I don't care about physical pain. I know it is only temporary. I can manage it, and it will pass. When thinking of going through an egg retrieval and all the stimming... I know it won't be comfortable and there will be pain involved. That is fine. As long as it brings me my baby, I will endure any pain as long as it won't kill me.

Emotionally speaking... that's so complicated. I don't know how much longer my rope is, but with every failed cycle it seems like I use more and more. I feel like I've been living in crisis mode since January 2012 (see my blog post from the other day, Finding the Center, for a full explanation). I miss my former happy self. I understand life is hard. It has its ups and downs. I just wonder how much longer I can tolerate being down before I break.

It doesn't help that I am on CD11, 1dpo and I feel the clock ticking. With an average 11 day LP, I see that this cycle will be over by September 12th if it is a bust (I hope and pray and wish that I am surprised with a miracle, but it is hard to fully give myself to that thought). That means that we only have a week and a half to make this very important decision. ::big breath:: 

I am open to thoughts and opinions... I know I have to decide for myself, but I value open and honest opinions. It doesn't mean that I'll necessarily agree, but my ears, mind and heart are open. So... what would you do??