You'll Never Walk Alone

This is a sad day. I cannot stop thinking about Colleen, her husband, and their precious Petey Nugget. This song has been coming to my mind ever since Colleen announced the news last week:

When you walk through a storm,

Keep your chin up high,

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm, 

There's a golden sky,

And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,

Walk on through the rain, 

Though your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,

And you'll never walk alone.

You'll never walk alone.

Colleen, I love you like a sister. I know there's nothing that can be said or done to take away your pain, but please know that if there were... it would've been done already. I'm praying for you, your husband, and Petey Nugget everyday, but especially today. I pray that Petey makes a safe journey into God's arms. I pray that someday you will find some peace and comfort. I pray that the storm ends soon, and that the sunshine comes out. And when it does, we'll all know that it's Petey shining down on us.

CCS Results!!!

It was a normal Wednesday at work a few weeks ago. Jazz band in the morning followed by 4th grade lessons throughout the day. As my students were packing up from the 11:28 lesson, I was completely surprised to see a missed call and voicemail from my nurse. I knew that we'd be getting a call soon, but was never given a timeframe. I thought maybe Thursday or Friday we'd get this very important call.

It took all my strength and will power not to run over to the window (only place where I get service) and check the message that instant. I was tempted, but didn't want to lose it in front of my students. One student was taking an especially long time packing up. I ran over to help him saying, "I don't want you to be late for lunch!" Gahhhhh!! Move it, move it, move it!!!

When I was alone, I ran over to the window, said a quick prayer, and then hit the button on my phone to listen to the voicemail. I listened for clues in Nurse Jessica's voice as she started her message... Does her tone sound like it's good news or bad? Please, please, please let this be good news. Her intro sounds all business like... or is that her pity voice? Oh, god, is she getting ready to say the worst news? Her pitch just dropped and her cadence just slowed. Please, please, please don't say the worst. Then her tone picked up about ten notches as she said, "I have really good news for you today!"

Our embryo is chromosomally normal!!! I started crying the second she said those words and didn't stop for about 30 minutes. I was so happy!! And it was like all of the stress from the past several months just came pouring out of me. I couldn't concentrate on the rest of Jessica's message (she was giving me instructions for our FET cycle. EEEEEEE!!!!! We're going to have a FET!!!!), so I saved the message and hung up the phone. I called John and told him the news (through tears again, he was so cute, he said he wished I wasn't crying. When will he get it that I cry when I'm happy?!?!).

There was much celebration and rejoicing. To be honest, we are still blown away, humbled, and head-over-heals happy about this news. We have a fully hatched grade 6C blastocyst with 46 normal chromosomes. This is the best news ever!!! 

We will have a transfer in the future, and we are now praying that my uterus will become the perfect home/dojo/village for Frostie Ninja. 

We plan to keep this part of our journey private for a while, and plan to update this blog on a significant delay. After all we've been through... 2 years of TTC, 1 year of aggressive treatments with the RE, 4 IUIs, a laparoscopy, 3 IVFs, endless blood, sweat and tears... so many tears... we are so happy to have this one blastocyst to show for it. But at the same time, there is so much pressure riding on this cycle, and on our precious Frostie Ninja. I can't think too far ahead, otherwise it sends me into a very negative, dark place as my mind races to the possibilities should this fail. I owe it to our embryo, my husband, and myself to be as calm and positive as possible. When people ask for updates and results, I know it is coming from a place of love and support. But it also adds a layer of stress and expectation on me, John & our embryo. For that reason, we have decided to keep this part of our life private for now. I promise to update you when we are ready & truly appreciate all of your prayers, love and support. 

Xoxo,

Cici

Way to go, Frostie Ninja!! You aced your big test!!
Please, please, please stick around little one!! 

We're Coming Out

I've been thinking about it for a while, and it is looking pretty definite that we will be 'coming out' about our infertility this year during National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).

I remember learning about NIAW for the first time last year as it was 'celebrated' from April 21st-27th. At the time, we were just getting started with the RE. Our initial consultation with the RE was on April 10th, and I had my HSG on April 22nd... (it is so deeply upsetting to know that we are coming up on our one year anniversary with the RE... a full year of aggressively pursuing those two lines, and not a chance that it'll happen for us within that year). I 'watched' with awe and admiration as fellow bumpies talked about how they pulled the trigger, took the plunge, and 'came out.' We ourselves were nowhere near ready to make that step. I was still in deep denial, and just getting acquainted with the constant blood work and dates with the vag cam.

I remember thinking to myself, maybe we'll 'come out' if we're still dealing with IF when NIAW comes around next year. Shit. .... Shit, shit, shit. NIAW 2014 is April 20th-26th. So here we are, still dealing with IF, and realizing that even if we ever "make it to the other side" our lives will still have been changed, scarred, forever by infertility. It doesn't matter how or if we become parents. My body will forever be on the black list of the reproductively challenged... I don't know if I will ever forgive my ovaries for their betrayal. I wonder if I'll ever learn to love my body again.

Starting around January, I had thoughts of making a slideshow about our journey. I have been and still am inspired by a fellow Dreamer who made a beautiful video about her journey. But when I sat down to work on our version, I have always come up with a blank. This just didn't feel like the way to tell our story.

My best friend's husband recently finished his basement with a home studio for making podcasts. We have been very open with them about our infertility, and they have both been tremendously supportive. I asked him if we could do a podcast about infertility to be published and posted for all of the world (meaning FACEBOOK!!!) to hear. He was on board with the idea right away.

But first, I had to talk to John about this idea. Obviously, this is not just my story to tell, and I didn't know how he'd feel about putting it out there for all of Facebook to hear. I love him so much. He says that he is ok with it, and that if it's something that I want to do (and that will make me feel better), then I have the green light.

The next step will be to come up with a list of topics for the podcast. I'd like to be very clear about what things are on the table for discussion, and what things are not. I already joked with my friend that we need to draw the line with how much of my vagina I will be at liberty to blab about. I told him that I couldn't believe that I just said 'vagina' to my best friend's husband. He joked back that I'll have to watch it, and that he runs a clean show. LOL! So I guess saying, "Fuck you, Infertility!" is out of the question. He said I might be able to get away with it a little deeper into the program, where the NSA won't find me ;)

At a loss for words...

***Warning: late term loss mentioned...***

I don't even know where to start... It's all just so unfair.

My heart is absolutely broken for a very dear friend and her husband who received just about the worst news you could ever imagine today. Their anatomy scan showed deformities on their baby yesterday at 18 weeks... Today they went to follow up and the doctors confirmed the worst possible scenario. They are going to lose the baby.

Just typing that makes me bawl my eyes out all over again. It's so horrible... It's so unimaginably unfair. After fighting for two years of infertility to get pregnant, going through IVF, finally getting to a point in the pregnancy where they thought they could relax... It hurts so much to think that the universe would allow such horrible things to happen let alone all to one couple.

Chickin, I don't know if you will read this, but my heart is with you. I am praying for you, Shawn, and your precious Petey Nugget. I pray that you can find some peace and comfort somewhere, somehow. I know it's not much, but I am sending you all my love, strength, thoughts and prayers.

Just yesterday, John & I attended a funeral for his best friend's girlfriend. She was diagnosed with leukemia 11 months ago. She was 33 years old. And just yesterday, we wept in the cemetery as we listened to Khalid say goodbye to Diana, and they lowered her casket into the ground.

Why? Why do these tragedies happen? These are good people. No one asks for this. No one deserves this. Why does life have to be so unfair?

Bad Blogger

Shame on me! I've been absent from this blog for far too long. I could sit here and make my excuses (busy, tired, not in the mood), but the truth is I just needed a break.

We got news of our CCS report last week. I've been holding off on updating my blog because I have some IRL friends who stalk this blog. I'd like to share the news with them personally before putting it out there on the interwebs. I'm almost through my list, so I should be able to publish the post soon.

A lot has happened over the past week, and with our report we gained important information. We now have a path to follow. At least for now, we know what direction we are heading in.

John & I have discussed our current situation and both agreed that we feel an enormous amount of pressure. Our situation is so delicate... we have decided to take a more private stance as we make our next steps. I will continue to post to this blog, but there will be a considerable delay when posting time sensitive information (results, protocols, procedures, etc). Over the past year with my blog, I have always made updates pretty instantly. But in an effort to guard our emotions and claim a little shred of our privacy back, I will not be posting timely updates here. I will continue to use this blog in the meantime probably for babbling about whatever comes to my mind, so come on by whenever you get the chance :)

To my IRL friends, I love you lots & lots. I can't wait to hug you or hear your voice on the phone again soon.

To my internet friends, you know where to find me :) I'll still be around the usual boards, lurking, stalking, and cheering you on!!

:D

Dream...

I had a dream last night. We were waiting for the call with our CCS results, and then the phone rang. I answered it, and was surprised to hear my grandmother's voice on the other end. I was surprised because 1) it wasn't the doctor and 2) she passed away in 1999. (This is the same grandmother who in real life struggled with IF in the 1950s. She and my grandfather tried for nine years before they got pregnant with their miracles, twins: my mother & uncle.) She told me that she had the results of our CCS testing, and that it wasn't good news. We both started to cry, and I begged her to just say it... I wouldn't believe it until she said it. It was not a nice dream :(

I have always thought of my grandparents as our guardian angels. I am praying that it was just a bad dream - a sign that I'm more stressed than I thought. I do not want this dream to come true. I can't shake the feeling that this was my grandmother's way of softening the blow... that we're headed for bad news soon. I really, really hope I am wrong.

I feel so bad for the pressure that we are placing on our precious Frostie Ninja. We have all of our hopes pinned on her. If she decides not to be our baby, then we will likely be waving goodbye to our hopes for a biological child. It is a scary thought, and a lot to ask from one little blastocyst.

But our Ninja is strong. She has to be. She fought to make it this far. I truly believe that if we can just get her in my uterus that I can help her the rest of the way. She is a fighter just like her mommy & daddy. I pray that she is our baby.

We will find out soon... hopefully this week... if she passed the test. Many prayers have been said. I've been visiting her almost daily, and playing songs for her. When I visited on my birthday, I told her that I wished that she would have a birthday too.

Teacup

I heard a lovely story this evening:

A man went into an antique shop and saw a teacup on the shelf. He noticed it right away and commented on how lovely it was. The teacup said, "I did not always look like this. I started out as a lump of clay, and then my maker spun me around and shaped me. I was so dizzy and the stretching hurt. Then he placed me in an oven. It was so hot, I thought I was going to die. Then my maker took me out of the oven, and he smeared a glaze all over me. It smelled so much that I gagged. And then again he put me back in the oven. This time it was three times hotter than the last time. Finally, my maker took me out of the oven and placed me on the shelf. He put a mirror in front of me. I said, 'That is not me! That teacup is beautiful. I am just a lump of clay.' My maker said, 'Yes, the teacup is you. I made you into the teacup and knew from the beginning that this is who you were meant to be.'"

We are all teacups. The trials and struggles of life shape us into who we are meant to be. I can't tell you how many times infertility has made me feel inferior and flawed. The pain of the journey has already scarred me for life. I will never be the same.

But maybe the scars I now carry with me are what is shaping me into the person I was always meant to be. Maybe this pain is making me strong and beautiful.

I can only hope and pray that I will make it through this and become the woman I was always meant to be. I have always dreamed that I would be a mother. I pray that my dream comes true. One thing is for sure: if I do become a mother, I will be eternally grateful. I can imagine no greater love in the whole world.