Scared...

I have been told by many that hopefully it is too early, but this morning's BFN shook me. It feels all too familiar... the end of a cycle where the same disappointing result is just around the corner. I don't know if I can bear another heartbreak.

Somehow I have restored my hope for tomorrow and am going to test again in the morning. John will not approve. He asked me to just wait for the beta. Does he have any idea how impossible of a request that was?!?

I'm not asking for much here (yes I am), just a little line. It can be faint, but let it be there.

If it is not there tomorrow... is it still "too soon?" It'll be harder to find hope after that.

This is torture. TORTURE. I just wish we could get to the conclusion right now, whatever it is. At this point, it is or it isn't. A few more days won't change the fact. But it might just do me in waiting around to find out!!!!

Wish Stitch

Stitching complete! Just needs a wash, iron, mount & frame.

Does this mean my wish will finally come true?

Feeling Better

I tell ya, progesterone is an evil bitch! My mood just keeps ebbing and flowing, but at least at this particular moment it is up :)

I went in for blood work this morning. This was to check and make sure my progesterone and Estrace doses are what they need to be. No call means the dose is good, and just continue on. So far, no call (I am not-so-secretly hoping to get a call to tell me to do less progesterone!!).

I tested out my trigger this morning. First of all, testing with FMU is really cruel on the eyes. I am pretty sure that line is gone, though there might have been the faintest trace of a line. Like I said, it's hard to focus the eyes at 5:30am!

When to test next? I'm thinking of waiting until Sunday which would be 9dp3dt. I am scared to test again...

Thinking about the what ifs are really depressing. We have no frosties, so if this is a bust then we're going to have to do this all over again. And then why, why oh why, didn't our embies do well?? I'm already very disappointed that we only got two hopefully good embryos... And then I read that the more fragmentation there is, the lower the success rate for that little embryo to attach... one of our two transferred had quite a bit of fragmentation.

The 2WW for an IVF cycle is exponentially more excruciating than any other type of 2WW. There is nothing to do at this point, but wait... and worry... and try to distract my mind. Ugh.

At least this time, with the amount of hormones I'm on, I can count on actually making it to my beta. That's never happened before. Stupid AF always cutting things short.

I am rambling. There's nothing else to do! GAH! This is torture!!

At least my mood is good at the moment. I'll take it!!

Pissy Mood and a Pee Stick

I am in the pissiest mood. And I don't even know why!!! Damn you, progesterone. 

I tested out my trigger this morning. Squinter, so I guess I'll test it out again tomorrow.

The first time I've ever seen a squinter. Trigger's still in my system. 

Yeah, I'm still pissy as all hell. Hmmph. 

When to Pee on Things?

Today I spent the whole day convincing myself that I was experiencing implantation cramping. I am. I refuse to believe otherwise. My two embryos have to still be alive....

So tomorrow, if I remember I will test out my trigger. Then how soon is too soon to start testing for real? John doesn't want me to test at all.... Not happening!!! Maybe Saturday?

No Frosties :(

Well, I take it that we have no frosties since we haven't gotten a call from embryology. I'm so sad that none of the four made it to freeze. Who knows how the two that were transferred are doing. All I can do is hope that they continue to grow and are strong. I can't imagine how I'm going to survive eight whole days until my beta.

I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and snuggle with my dogs. But they'll be all romp-a-room when I get home. And I have to teach lessons tonight.

The progesterone is making me feel nauseous... and crampy... and leaky. And I keep waking up with headaches. I'm a real joy to be around right now. Ugh. I can't even stand the sight of my complaining in this blog.

Progesterone sucks.

It is messy and gross. And makes me feel like my period is coming any second. I know that it isn't possible at this point, but it is really annoying. I feel crampy and nauseous. And I'm leaking. Gross.