CD1, you heartbreaker...

I told you that I wouldn't be wondering much longer. Today was quickly declared CD1. IUI#2 is a bust. I cannot begin to express the sadness that fills my heart. Even though I knew this was coming, I have not been able to stop the tears or the aching in my soul. The cramps don't help much either.

I knew when I was getting ready for work this morning. I decided to take a HPT so I could take Advil guilt free. While I was in the shower, I felt so much anger. Then by the time I got in the car to drive to work, it melted all away to sorrow. I felt an ugly cry coming on and called Melly. She talked to me and helped calm me down. I had to pull myself together so I could go teach. It was really hard to carry on like normal. And I didn't really do a good job of it, but what other choice did I have?

A big reason why I can't shake this feeling is because I have not a single shred of confidence in IUI#3. I am sad, mad, confused and frustrated. I don't want to spend the next 25 days going through the motions again knowing that a BFN is certain. I feel so defeated. Why, if everything looks so perfect on paper, isn't this working? I want to cry all over again.

I started a new cross stitch project. When I saw the pattern, I nearly cried at the store. I love the monotony of counted cross stitch. It clears my mind much like going on a run. Needle in, needle out. Repeat. In the end, I will have something beautiful to show for it. And I can really use the reminder to "dream, hope, wish, and believe." 

A new project to keep me hopeful...

Introducing Coda!!

We went to the animal shelter with the hopes of finding a furry friend for our 6 year old cairn terrier. The trip was a success! We were approved for a same-day adoption, and (after several hours) were on our way home with our new dog. Allow me to introduce you to the newest member of our family: Coda!

Coda in his safe spot. He hasn't wandered far from it... yet.

This is our first experience with a shelter pet. Mocha was the first pet we ever got together, and we went through a breeder to get her. So far, it's been a great experience :)

We drove an hour and a half to get to the shelter. We brought Mocha with us so we could do a "meet & greet" prior to making a final decision. Our first priority was to please little miss Mocha, who we thought would be the pickiest person to please. John & I had to take turns going into the shelter and staying in the car with Mocha because she was not allowed inside the facility.

We introduced Mocha to two dogs: Jeter and Dakota. Mocha seemed to get along with both of them very well. Jeter, who was absolutely adorable, was 19 weeks old. When he first came out of his kennel he submissively urinated... a lot. Poor thing was so scared! Mocha corrected him once briefly during their walk together.

Next we took Dakota out to meet Mocha. Dakota, a 6 month old male lab mix, was sweeter than ever, and so deeply scared. The associate had to carry him outside because he refused to walk out on his own. Mocha and Dakota sniffed and got along beautifully. We decided to go to the dog park across the street to see how they did off-leash. Mocha led the way, and Dakota followed. Their time in the dog park was excellent! That's when John & I decided that Dakota was our dog :)

New dog tags!!

After waiting two and a half hours for our application to get processed, we were approved! I went inside to sign the papers. But there was a little problem: the associate on the floor told me that Dakota was treated for an upper respiratory infection and that it had been resolved. This was not the case. Dakota still needed to take two antibiotics twice a day until July 5th. Do you still want to adopt this dog? John & I discussed it briefly and decided, yes, we still wanted to adopt Dakota. We signed the papers, got the meds from the vet, bought a crate, and made the journey back home with an extra passenger in the back!

Now you're wondering, "Who is Dakota and where is Coda?" Dakota is Coda. Dakota is the shelter name, which the associate recommended we change to avoid any negative associations. Besides, she said, it is unlikely that he even knows his name at this point.

We decided to name him Coda for three reasons: 1) It kind of sounds close to his shelter name. 2) The obvious (to us) musical reference. We are musicians, so a musical name makes sense. 3) There is a significance between the definition of a coda in music to Coda's journey. A coda in music is the final section of the piece. In Coda's case, he was previously adopted by another family and then returned to the shelter. (The reason they provided to the shelter was that they were "afraid he would have no feelings." ....what does that even mean?!?! I have no clue. I'm just glad that they brought him back because they obviously shouldn't have gotten a dog in the first place.) Coda has been on quite a journey to find his forever-home. We believe that he has completed the final steps in that journey by coming home with us. So, in a way, yesterday's adoption was a "coda" of sorts.

Mocha goes shopping at PetSmart for her little brother.

Mocha is being an awesome big sister. She is doing a great job of showing him the ropes around the house. This afternoon, John, Mocha & I went shopping to get some things for Coda (he couldn't come because of the upper respiratory infection). While we were at the store, we signed up for some training classes!! Yup, that's right, we're all going to be schooled :) We start with our first class on Friday, July 5th (assuming Coda is cleared by the vet). 

Hooray for our happy family of four! I have been dreaming of this for years now, and piece by piece... it's all coming together :') We just need one more thing to make it perfect...

The Cup is Half...

...empty? Full? Who knows at this point, so let's just say it's halfway. The past few days, my cup was so empty that there wasn't a trace of a droplet in there. But today, CD 25 and 11 dpIUI, the cup has been restored to halfway.

I don't really know what to think of the outcome of this cycle. To be honest, I'm not a good judge when it comes to reading the signs. I have a moment of nausea and I think, "This could be pregnancy related... or it could be PMS... or I could be hungry..." It really can be anything. The human body is complex and mysterious.

Let's take a minute to analyze the situation, shall we? My "symptoms" and the "facts" of this cycle include:

1. 11 DPO.
2. No flow, so far AF is a no show.
3. Brief spotting at 6 DPO. Literally a single spot and a few wipes with the TP. Then it vanished like a fart in the wind.
4. My BBT is still above the cover line.
5. On paper, this IUI is going extremely well. I had two follies of a great size at my mid-cycle monitoring, and maybe one more who could've caught up by the time of the IUI. John's numbers were outstanding at 41 million moving sperm. 
6. I am experiencing these phantom symptoms: nausea, headache, mild cramping, copious CM (I mean A LOT. It is downright grossing me out). All of these symptoms could be signs of early pregnancy or PMS.

Now let's pretend for a moment that the cup is half full. Here's what I'd say to all of the above:

1. My LP is an average of 11 days, minimum of 9 days, and maximum of 13 days. I have a good chance of making it to my testing day (CD 27, 13 dpIUI)... !
2. You're not out till that bitch, Aunt Flo, shows her ugly face. She's not here. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant... !
3. That spotting 6 DPO just might have been the elusive implantation bleeding... !
4. As long as my BBT stays above that cover line, then I have a real shot of being pregnant... !
5. This one is harder, because the last cycle was perfect on paper too. Buuuuuut, maybe we had bad luck last time, and maybe #2 is our lucky cycle... !
6. The phantom symptoms could really be early pregnancy symptoms. How could I possibly know the difference since I've never been pregnant before? Maybe this is the real thing... !

And to be fair, here's the half empty version:

1. The last cycle saw me all the way through 11 DPO, and it was on the 12th day that AF showed up and CD 1 was declared.
2. She could be coming any minute...
3. Maybe I ran too hard. Maybe it was residual from the IUI. Maybe it was just random spotting. It happens.
4. Tomorrow could be the day my BBT plummets... 
5. IUI#1 was perfect on paper. It did not work.
6. All of the above phantom symptoms happen every.damn.cycle. 

I feel like I have to leave things on a positive note, so the final sentence of this post must be positive. Therefore, I will say this: the cup may be half full, or it may be half empty. The results of this cycle have already been determined by a higher authority. The results will be revealed very soon. I just need to be patient. Wait. And hope.

My Lucky Charm - the necklace given to me by my Grandmother

Half & Half

Throughout this 2WW I have been going back and forth. One moment, the glass is half empty; the next, it is half full. Over the past 24 hours, sadly it has shifted to be entirely empty. I'm all out of hope. And strangely, I'm sorta ok with it. I'm already looking forward to the next cycle (or actually, two cycles from now when we have a new plan. The next cycle will be IUI#3, and I've just had a gut feeling that these IUIs aren't going to work for us).

My usual PMS symptoms are in full swing, and I suspect that AF will be here either late tomorrow or early on Friday. 

In other news, John, Mocha & I are heading to the animal shelter in search of a furry brother for Mocha. I hope we find someone who will match our little family (and run with me!!). 

Losing the Battle to Stay Positive

I have genuinely been making an effort to replace every negative thought with a positive thought. Today, I am doing a bad job at it. Here's why:

• CD 21, 7 dpIUI
• Spotting yesterday (although it is possible that it was IB, it is not probable)
• PMS symptoms started yesterday and are intensifying today
• Today's temp dipped down to my cover line
• I just have a feeling...

Since I am not able to come up with any positive thoughts right now to replace the above, I'm going to get busy with my day. I get to see my beautiful, adorable niece and give her the Baptism gift that I made (pictures to follow). I get to spend time with my family. I wonder if Krissy will be showing... AH! I just caught myself with another negative thought. Erase, erase, erase!!! 

What the ??

Things have been pretty uneventful around here lately. I'm on CD 20, 6 dpIUI... la dee dah. I woke up early today to meet Rachel for a run. When I got home, I was getting ready to take a shower when I went to the bathroom. What the heck?! I was spotting. Not much, but definitely spotting. It is way too early for AF, though I wouldn't put it past her to pull a trick like this. I know it's rare, but I suppose I am in the window of time when it could be implantation bleeding. I certainly hope that's what it is, but I'm not going to hold my breath. There's nothing I can really do at this point, but to continue to wait. Here's hoping I make it to my testing day without AF cutting me off!!!

I'm back several hours later. Cue the cramping. Typical timing of this PMS symptom.

I am not making this stuff up...

Today was the Band Breakfast Party. I love that I get to treat my students after a year of hard work :) I know that they're getting a lot out of the program as it is, but this is just a simple gesture to say thanks for a year of before-school rehearsals, hundreds of practice minutes, and making the class a true joy. I spent two and a half hours making 84 Belgian waffles last night for the party. The kids were so excited :)

After the party was over, I was cleaning up and decided to move the leftovers to the Teacher's Room. My colleagues would surely enjoy the waffles (and they wouldn't all go to waste). That's when I noticed that there was already a little breakfast tray set up. That's no surprise; there is always food in the Teacher's Room. But the surprising part was that the breakfast was sponsored by the "Preggo Posse" of our school. Providing a thank you breakfast was really a sweet gesture, but you can imagine how it made me feel to see that sign. 

Signs explaining the treats in the Teacher's Room

One of the "Preggos" insisted that I add my name to the sign saying that the waffles, donuts, and fruit were brought in by me and not them. I didn't want to mess up their cute sign, so I added the post-it. The "Not Preggo!!" was an after-thought. A colleague saw the post-it before I added that and said, "Wait... you're pregnant?!?" Oh, no. That shit is going to stop right there. Let's make this perfectly clear that I am NOT pregnant. For now, I have to be happy with being in the "Wanna-be Preggo Posse."

::eyes rolling::